Nick Clegg’s radio phone-in programme ‘Call Clegg’ on LBC is to go ‘late night’ before the general election the Lib Dem leader announced. Babestation are favourite to host the show.
“I’ve not watched Babestation but it can’t be that different,” Clegg explained. “From my understanding I just need to speak to callers on a phone whilst on a webcam.
“I’ve been warned that occasionally I may be asked to make things go tits up but if I’m honest, that a speciality of mine.”
Experts are warning that the new ban on smoking in cars with children may become impossible to enforce, so numerous are the loopholes in the legislation.
The law was expected to completely eliminate children’s exposure to cigarette smoke, but trials have already shown that smokers will go to great lengths to continue enjoying their habit.
Over ten percent of smoking motorists stopped in the Harold area were found to have fixed their child seats precariously to the roof or bonnet of the car, with their offspring getting perhaps more fresh air than strictly necessary.
Hands off, Scotland. This is England’s precious.
Though only six days have passed since David Cameron attempted to love bomb Scotland into voting against independence in the forthcoming referendum saying he couldn’t bear to see the “the most extraordinary country in history” torn apart, the government has now ditched the nice approach and gone for the jugular saying that Buckfast Tonic Wine would not be exported to an independent Scotland. Continue reading
David Cameron off-duty: chillin’ out maxin’ relaxin’ all cool.
Seekers of the truth are today convinced that they are on to something with David Cameron’s behaviour as he visits areas hit by flooding being taken by many as proof that he is in fact a giant lizard.
“He just looks too comfortable in that environment,” said Harold resident Adam Cassidy. “I’ve been watching all the footage of him striding about in his Wellington boots and black fleece then discussing it with my friends on wakeupsheeple.com. Look how Cameron doesn’t listen to anyone and can’t convey convincing emotion when people are showing him their devastated homes. I bet he was itching to cast off his disguise and swim freely with the flood water playing over his scales.” Continue reading
An elite River-Warden delivers an urgent bill for overdue mooring fees on this detached house
Flooded-out residents of usually sleepy Oxfordshire town Henley-on-Thames have received unexpected demands for mooring fees from the Canal & River Trust. “At first I thought this was just some cruel practical joke” said Deputy Mayor Jarvis Marten, whose mostly-submerged dormer bungalow is more often a good two streets away from the Thames, “but sadly not.”
Canal and River Trust took over care of 2000 miles of historic waterways in 2012, when stick-in-the-mud British Waterways with its rather old-fashioned values ceased to exist. Robert Pearce, the Trust’s Chief Executive explained the rationale for sending out invoices to house-owners.“Trustees of any registered charity have a legal duty to maximise their charity’s income, so when we spotted this potential income-stream we were on it like bankers on a bonus bond. Continue reading
Following In the footsteps of Labour leader Ed Miliband, North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un has been accused of trying to capitalise on people’s misery and enhance his image in the West by visiting flood affected areas in the UK for a photo opportunity.
“In this situation he has about as much power and influence as Miliband,” one angry resident of Purley said.
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Filed under environment, News, Politics
Could we really be back to scenes like this by Easter?
Amazing but true! Here is a round up of the latest flood news:
Hosepipe Ban Despite floods covering vast swathes of the West Country and now, the Thames Valley, it has emerged that a hosepipe ban is still in force in some areas. In confirming the news, a spokesperson for South West Water from the Isle of Taunton, said “We usually gauge the need for maintaining a ban by checking the reservoirs; however, the reservoirs have mysteriously disappeared so we have to remain cautious, otherwise everyone will be whingeing about a drought by Easter. We don’t know what happened to the reservoirs but we suspect looting.” Continue reading
Don’t ask why, don’t ask how: just watch and be outraged.
The Facebook drinking game neknomination has claimed another victim as an old lady died shortly after posting a video of herself swallowing a horse.
Mavis Watkins took part in the deadly game after being nominated by her grandson, and initially tried to outdo his effort by swallowing a fly. Seeming to not fully understand the rules she then repeatedly nominated herself to take part in ever more extreme challenges before eventually swallowing the horse that killed her. Continue reading
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At this range a good quality taser will get them up on their feet and dancing
Workers who are sick and off work for more than four weeks will soon get government sanctioned advice, to help them get back to the workplace. The Health and Work Service’s default advice will be ‘get back to work you idle sod or you’ll regret it’, although the new government-funded agency will also offer non-compulsory amateur medical assessments and d.i.y. treatment plans.
Duncan Smith believes a much-needed economic stimulus would be provided if the bedridden could be genitally-tasered and has personally volunteered to pull as many triggers as possible. Continue reading
In hindsight, the daily cleaning of graffiti on the house should have been a clue
In the light of immigration minister Mark Harper resigning his position after it emerged he employed a cleaner who did not have permission to work in the UK, a separate incident has seen a foreign-born cleaner leaving their post after it emerged their employer was a Tory.
The cleaner has apologised for not carrying out reasonable checks on the person whose house they clean and said that although they had been a British citizen for the last 13 years, being from another country means they should have checked their employer was not, in fact, a Tory.
Some Christians ‘entirely ignorant’ of what’s in his wand.
Children and parents have warned of ‘widespread ignorance’ of Potter lore amongst the members of the Bible Society.
A small number of the organization have never heard of Dumbledore, let alone Hagrid, Hermione or Viktor Krum.
The study revealed a generation of middle-aged adults with little knowledge of the most important Harry Potter stories. A high proportion of these people were observed to wear cardigans.
“Harry Potter has a huge influence on modern society”, claimed muggle Melanie Hostage. “It’s as relevant today as it was 16 years ago. It provides us with some guidelines on how we should treat other people, if we’re too stupid to work it out for ourselves without the help of a barely believable story.”
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Religion
If the Taliban steal the British Army’s kittens as well then polls indicate that 98% of us would advocate the use of nuclear weapons.
Britain has become overwhelmingly pro-war overnight following the news that the Taliban has kidnapped one of the British Army’s bomb disposal dogs after it was loaned to US Special Forces.
“I didn’t really care about the war,” said Harold resident Melanie Delaney. “I’m mean it’s been going on for so long, like I was in junior school when it started, but now the Taliban have kidnapped a dog we should totally kill them all.” Continue reading
After yesterday’s announcement by Twitter it had made a loss of $645M, the micro-blogging site’s share price and ‘trial by twitter’ credibility took another hit today when Coronation Street actor Bill Roache was found not guilty of historical sexual assault charges.
“It turns out that sometimes our policy of users finding someone guilty without any facts isn’t as full proof as we thought,” Twitter’s CEO Dick Costolo told us.
“Normally, with the likes of Sally Bercow on our Jury of millions, we can call someone guilty before they have even been arrested, replacing the traditional ‘innocent until proven guilty’ judicial system with a ‘throw enough shit and it might stick’ technique.
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Filed under breaking news, Entertainment, Law and Order, News
Please don’t try this at home. Or in Rio. Please.
Plans to rationalise Olympic judging will see many of this month’s winter games’ scoring systems being adopted at the proper Olympics in Rio 2016. “Here in Sochi, how good you look is at least as important as the more workaday factors such as speed and distance.” says IOC President Thomas Bach “I’m not sure about girth though, let me get back to you on that”.
“Ski jumping for instance is assessed on ‘style’ during take-off, flight and landing, plus a small proportion of marks allocated for distance actually travelled.” Continue reading
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Filed under International News, News, Sport
The Conservative MP at the heart of a Nazi-party controversy has announced he will step down from his position saying even he thought “the party was drifting further right than the Third Reich”.
“I may have bought Nazi costumes but I didn’t realise there was a serious risk they would become standard uniform,” Aidan Burley said.
Having a bit of trouble getting in is no reason not to attend work.
Iain Duncan Smith has stopped all benefits for people living in flooded areas after branding them all scroungers.
“Just because your home and community are underwater that’s no reason not to be making a contribution to society like millions of hard-working tax-payers up and down the country,” the Secretary for Work and Pensions said. “It has come to my attention that those in receipt of benefits and living in the worst hit areas for flooding are responsible for shockingly high rates of workplace and job centre absenteeism and this is unacceptable.” Continue reading
Filed under environment, News
Castaway looked sheepish when asked if he would toast his rescuer.
A castaway who survived a 6,000 mile journey adrift in the Pacific has paid tribute to his ‘brave and filling’ crew mate.
Jose Albarengo left Mexico in December 2012, only to wash ashore last month in the Marshall Islands.
But survival experts were amazed to discover that he gained three stone during his ordeal, and confused that his dinghy smelled quite so strongly of pork.
“I had little to sustain me, just the odd seagull and some dead fish”, revealed Albarengo. “Thank goodness Jose had the sense to pack a gas barbecue in his duffel bag.”
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‘Disabled claimants could work from home’ : IDS
Under COBRA emergency powers, Ian Duncan Smith will soon deploy benefit claimants in the battle against rising flood levels. “The Prime Minister asked me to try to sink the unsinkable” the charismatic Work & Pensions Secretary announced today “and my next logical move is to use claimants’ innate spongy-ness for the public’s good”.
Starting next week, long-term benefit claimants will lie down in flooded areas, sop up moisture until they are fully saturated, then go home to dry off overnight. “Research has shown that poor people don’t move very much anyway,” says IDS “nearly 40% of them are inactive, exercising less than 30 minutes a week. This way, they’ll simply exchange a stained sofa for a soggy field contaminated with sewage. In practice they’ll find very little difference”. Continue reading
We have so much in common. Everyone in England also thinks John Brown and Queen Victoria totally did the filth.
Drunk and emotional, a sobbing England last night made Scotland a specially selected playlist of their greatest hits together in a desperate bid to rekindle the passion and ensure that Scotland won’t break England’s heart in September’s independence referendum.
“We’ve been together since 1707,” England slurred. “S’long time and we’ve made it work, haven’t we? We’ve had good times. Brilliant times! There was the Empire, we did that together, you and me taking over the world. And what about haggis? Invented in Lancashire and then you took it to another level: that’s teamwork.” Continue reading
Ed Miliband, leader of the Labour Party has vowed to reform the way the party choses its leader to prevent the mistakes that stopped his brother taking charge.
It was because of the unions’ powerful votes that Miliband took the helm of the party despite the majority of party members preferring his brother David, a shock result that Ed himself described as ‘a travesty’.
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