The National Rifle Association have said they are “upset and confused” by the verdict in the Oscar Pistorius trial that says he has “no mental illness”, so shot at his then girlfriend through his own free will.
“As we keep reminding you after every high-profile shooting, only those with serious underlying mental disorders use guns to shoot at other people,” an NRA spokesperson said.
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Filed under breaking news, International News, News
After finally admitting he is a ‘one nation Tory’ and that he disagrees with the political leanings of his former bosses, the BBC have announced they are lining Jeremy Paxman up to present Top Gear.
“He is pretty much ready to go,” a spokesperson for the show said. “He’s right-wing, called Jeremy, and already has a sizeable amount of people that dislike him.
The officially approved NHS logo
The Health Secretary confirmed that the Government is to publish the dossier which details every blunder currently possible under the National Health Service.
Speaking in Parliament, Jeremy Hunt confirmed that the publication of the so called “Catalogue of Errors” will enable patients to choose which bungle they would prefer in the probable likelihood of an error taking place. Continue reading
Much better
Harold inventors John Goody and Rachel Guest are to receive the village’s highest award for innovation following the massive success of their latest product. Their See Savile No More glasses have sold out and pre-orders taken for dozens more pairs. Continue reading
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Apparently the exact shade is called mendacity
Though declared not guilty on all counts by a jury many people are struggling to believe Rebekah Brook’s innocence. The reason given in every case is the same: her hair.
“I don’t like to judge by appearance,” said villager and head of Harold’s Neighbourhood Watch Janice Logan. ‘However there’s something about that woman’s hair that just rubs me up the wrong way. I’ve seen Brave, the girl in that had the same hair and she was a most violent and deceitful person.” Continue reading
Kim settles down at the Rovers.
The Queen of Reality TV, Kim Kardashian, is reported to have accepted a role on Coronation Street; television’s longest running soap opera.
According to insiders, scenes have already been filmed in which curvaceous Kim, 33, has been cast as a barmaid and distraction for Steve McDonald, the landlord of the Rovers Return. Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment, News, Showbusiness
An exact replica of the one that should have been worn by Luis Suarez
Are you partial to a bit of Italian meat during your football match?
Do you prefer your half-time oranges to be blood oranges?
Are your opponents keen on finishing the game with the same amount of digits as they started with?
Then you need the World Cup edition of the Luis Suarez mask. With enough space for even the most horse-like set of teeth, this mask will give you comfort without the risk of you taking a lump out of someone’s shoulder.
In the colours of the Uruguay national team, this replica is exactly the same specification as the one that should have been worn by the Uruguayan Number 9.
This muli-purpose mask can also be used in conjunction with a straight jacket by radio DJs from the 70s
To order yours, simply call Harold 999-I8U
Warning: Keep children’s fingers away from ventilation holes. May contain someone who is nuts
Filed under News, Sport, Uncategorized
David Cameron has announced that with immediate effect he will be making Andy Coulson the Conservative’s prison advisor. Andy Coulson was advised of his new role through his lawyers voicemail.
“As with all advisory roles, I like to have someone on the inside,” Mr Cameron told reporters.
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Filed under breaking news, News, Politics
Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has said he has found the answer to all of the NHS’s problem and has asked for the public’s help in fixing it.
“Stop using the bloody NHS” Mr Hunt pleaded in a press conference to announce his plans.
“Every time we sort a problem out, patients decide they need to use the service putting pressure on it and making us go backwards.
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MI5 have started a government-backed crackdown on any UK citizen wishing to go to Syria to fight in the war against the Assad regime by launching a dawn raid at an address in Central London and arresting prime minister David Cameron.
“We have been looking through footage of our suspect talking of sending more fighters into region than any jihadist could hope to recruit,” MI5 head Andrew Parker said.
Filed under Defence, International News, Law and Order, News, Politics
Ed Miliband has announced Labour’s plans for welfare reform should they get into government at the general election.
Concentrating on those claiming Jobseekers Allowance he has promised Britain will have the most skilled and educated unemployed in Europe.
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Thinks: Howard, you utter ‘chump’
Jeremy Paxman will front his last Newsnight tonight. Paxman sprang to international prominence after his 1997 ‘grilling’ of Michael Howard. Hopes were high that the irritatingly smug veteran might be persuaded to appear tonight and interview the former Tory leader again.
The BBC still doesn’t know if Howard will be there however, as revealed in this transcript leaked to the Evening Harold.
With laws coming into effect today making forced marriage illegal, Nick Clegg has found himself desperately searching for other excuses to remain a Tory after the next election.
“It seems he will no longer be able to use the ‘they made me do it’ card,” the BBC’s Nick Robinson explained.
Researchers from Dunstable University have released the findings of a study that shows people who regularly sleep at some point during a 24 hour period have a high rate of mortality, with the chances of dying at some point as high as a 100%.
The government backed study, which lasted 20 years and cost £50m, followed a sample group of 5000 people. 3500 people died during the study and 100% of them regularly had some sleep over the course of a day. However Prof Edwards who led the study said for the survivors the future doesn’t look bright.
It’s no use looking up there, Tone. God’s not the slightest bit impressed.
There is fear and confusion on the streets of Harold this morning following the publication of an essay on Iraq by Tony Blair. In it the former PM states that “We have to liberate ourselves from the notion that ‘we’ have caused this.” Continue reading
Filed under Around Harold, News
Accurate representation of how worried the nation is about the missing Chancellor
Police launches are searching the Westminster stretch of the Thames for George Osborne who dived into the water while fooling around with House of Commons pals. Continue reading
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The baboon is on the left.
“I first had an inkling when I saw that photograph of the wind lifting Kate’s dress above her waist,” said Professor Luke Thorne. “Immediately the thought ‘baboon’ flashed across my mind and I decided to investigate.” Continue reading
“Just a few finishing touches needed”
With 48 hours to go to the kick off it was clear that a lot of work was still required, but the head groundsman was pleased to report that the field was looking more ready for football with the goal nets having been hung on the runner bean poles now relocated to either end of the ground. Continue reading
Harry Potter author and marketing expert JK Rowling has said she intends to help the ‘Better Together’ campaign appeal to a broader range of people by wrapping it in a more adult wrapper.
“The trouble with the Yes campaign is they are looking at Britain as having an immature, childish and petty veneer,” Rowling explained.
“But if we wrap it a sleeker, more adult looking cover they may just get it.
Family will flee to Universal Studios in future.
A family from Harold has spoken of their desperate journey to Disneyland, after their passports were processed a bit slowly.
With time running out fast for the Smiths, dad Michael feared they may be forced to seek holiday in Norfolk. He wasn’t prepared to subject his two children to such a fate.
“We’d done everything right”, claimed Michael. “There was a good 16 hours to go until the ferry left at the point when I filled in the passport application forms. Then I popped them on the mantelpiece for Linda to take to the post office. And yet somehow, they still haven’t bloody arrived.”
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