George Osborne missing after Thames dive dare


Accurate representation of how worried the nation is about the missing Chancellor

Police launches are searching the Westminster stretch of the Thames for George Osborne who dived into the water while fooling around with House of Commons pals.

“This happens every year,” sighed DC Laura Norman of the Met’s Marine Policing Unit. “It doesn’t matter how many barriers or warning posters we put up, MPs will recklessly jump from the Palace of Westminster into the river for a dare.”

“People say we shouldn’t blame the MPs themselves,” she said. “Because at this stage in their lives they’re inherently foolish and believe they’re immortal and that rules do not apply to them. Add that mindset to the freely available and cheap alcohol within Parliament and MPs can easily buckle under peer-pressure and make stupid decisions.”

It is believed that Osborne dived off a terrace in response to a bet.

“Typical Gidders,” said one witness who wished to remain anonymous. “He didn’t check the water level or the tide just went in head first. The bet was only for a fiver and he didn’t bother to take his phone or wallet out of his pockets before going in so that’ll all cost who knows how much to replace.”

“That’s the problem with George. At the end of the day he’s just no good with money.”

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