Even after a hectic week, some men are flat out around the house at weekends
Harold’s fathers are busy planning what not to do on 21st June when, in a break from tradition, their womenfolk will undertake the bulk of cooking, cleaning and childcare.
Many men are still recovering from their Mothers Day exertions, believing it was only ‘a couple of weeks ago’ that they left an unwrapped box of Milk Tray and a small bunch of dayglo flowers on their mum’s’ front doorstep.
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Filed under Around Harold, Greetings cards, Lifestyle, News
Rufus D Jackson in his mayoral robes
Harold Mayor and one time US movie star Rufus D. Jackson has been ‘outed’ as a white man by his parents.
Derek & Rita Jackson wrote to The Evening Harold from their home in South Yorkshire, alleging that Rufus has been falsely portraying himself as black for many years.
We spoke with Derek, a retired duck farmer, and Rita, a former nursery nurse. They told us that Rufus was born Richard Derek Jackson, and began blacking up in 1972 in order to break into the blaxplotation film industry. Rufus enjoyed a successful movie carer, staring in many films including Black Knuckle Sandwich, Black Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, and Black Fruit Punch, before returning to the UK to pursue his love of local politics.
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics
The Queen’s birthday honours list can be confusing. With so many names and different gongs being handed out it’s hard to keep track of who’s got what. So here’s our guide to determining if you’re one of the lucky ones who now has to shog off to the palace and not flinch when an old woman comes at them with a blade.
a) fuck huts for proles.
b) pretty good for the price.
c) the single greatest achievement in human history. Continue reading
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There’s something wrong with your pen mate
“So, our customs override their traditions, right?”
Eleanor Hawkins, the British backpacker accused of causing an earthquake by stripping off at the summit of a sacred mountain, has denied she or any of her fellow naked tourists engaged in any fracking activities.
Speaking from her cell in a Malaysian jail, the 26 year old, “I admit we took off our clothes for a group selfie, and I admit that we all urinated on the mountain. But wouldn’t anybody if they found that their leader had jokingly replaced the drinking water with champagne?” she asked defiantly. Continue reading
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Filed under International News, Travel
British banks are to have in depth investigations in suspicious FIFA account to see if there is anything they can learn.
A spokesman for Barclays said: “It is looking like FIFA may have had some dodgy dealings happening through their accounts for the last 25 years. That’s impressive in anyone books, and we know about dodgy books. Continue reading
A Harold Council health and safety training course due to be held on Monday has been postponed following concerns about the weight of the training folder.
The updated folders were delivered to the council offices on Friday, but due to their now excessive weight they have been left on the floor, surrounded by highly visible tape, a warning sign, and a copy of the council’s public liability insurance certificate.
“The delivery driver romantically dropped off the training material on bended knee, with a straight back, and arms at shoulder length,” Joan Willis, the council’s health and safety officer said. “It was text book manual handling. Well at least we think it was.
“Sadly we can’t be sure as the amount of health and safety rules we now need to follow means the health and safety training manual is too heavy for anyone to move and check.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, News
‘Hacker’ demonstrates how to immobilise the drinks trolley.
A 34-stone ‘hacker’ claims he gained control over an aircraft, by simply swapping seats in the cabin.
Barry Whale works as an IT consultant in a phone shop in Dunstable: his expertise is ‘hacking’ SIM cards so they can fit in an iPhone.
“It’s a job that involves moving from the front desk to the ‘customer service cabin’, so I know a fair bit about moving between seats”, said Whale.
When the tech geek got up to use the rear lavatory, he noticed that the plane noticeably pitched up.
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An artist’s impression of Liverpool in 2019
As a tribute to Liverpool FC’s departing captain and arguably greatest ever player, Steven Gerrard, the entire city is to be demolished and rebuilt in his image.
The work will start as soon as Gerrard, the most talented footballer to ever grace the Premier League, heads to the USA to join LA Galaxy in the summer. It is expected to be completed by 2018, in time for him to return to the club and fail as a manager. Continue reading
We Might As Well Be Strangers
Aides close to Ed Miliband have depicted him as a broken man desperately believing that his beloved Party will call him and reject his resignation as Leader following last week’s General Election.
“People don’t realise the sacrifices Ed has gone through for the cause,” said close confidant, Cath Drucker.
“The poor man is still combing nits out of his hair after that interview with Russell Brand, Continue reading
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Filed under Election 2015, News
Jobless former Liberal Democrat MPs are asking for just one more vote on benefit reform before their first appointment at the job centre on Tuesday.
Speaking after losing his seat to the SNP, Danny Alexander said he can now see the dangers of reducing benefits for those who find themselves out of work and thinks now would be a good time to reverse the cuts and sanctions he once supported.
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Filed under Election 2015, News, Politics
Kim Jong Un has been the first international leader to congratulate Nicola Sturgeon on her party’s success in Scotland in the General Election.
Following the type of victory in one country normally reserved for dictatorships, Mr Kim has said he was impressed at the lack of purging of political opponents involved in her landslide.
“I can’t help but get a general who fears for his life to take my hat off to her”, the North Korean leader said.
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Filed under Election 2015, News, Politics
Please God, don’t let it be put out to stud.
Whenever I used to visit my local racecourse, my friend and I would devise sure fire ways of picking the winner of the next race.
Eventually, I settled upon putting my fiver on the horse being led by the best turned out stable lass. Meanwhile, my cannier mate studied the horses carefully and put his money on the horse which dropped its .. er .. droppings before the start or the race, the theory being that the horse would be less encumbered when it came to the serious matter of racing.
Now it’s highly unlikely that any of the candidates for the General Election will be dropping their load in public before the off, but with just one day to go, here is the Evening Harold guide to the main runners and riders.
Nick Clegg (Yellow): Unlikely to win, but sure to could influence final outcome. Will stud with anyone in exchange for 5 year tenure in comfy stable.
Nicola Sturgeon (Tartan): Feisty little filly showing good breakaway form in practice. Unable to run outside of Scotland but although she can’t win the race may have an influence on final placings. Several of the other runners are keen to stud with her. Continue reading
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Filed under Election 2015, News
The death of novelist Ruth Rendell has prompted a police investigation after a suggestion on Twitter that her death may the work of serial killer, following the recent death of her friend, bestselling author PD James.
“It sounds like an unlikely plot from one of their own novels, but it is true that our enquires were prompted by a social media report,” confirmed a uniformed police commissioner, whose only apparent qualification for his exalted position seemed to be an ability to panic in the face of a hostile press; and thus provide an object of scorn for the investigating officers.
“The killer is at large, but there is no need to panic, unless you are the author of character based crime fiction set in the UK with a quirky but well-meaning police inspector as the hero,” he continued. Continue reading
Residents in Baltimore have been out in force celebrating the Duchess of Cambridge’s admission into Hospital.
“Nothing brings an oppressed community together like the impending birth of an over privileged white child” one protester said.
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An apologetic Kate promised she will hurry up and give birth now she remembers this bit was her job and not the nanny’s.
“It’s a little embarrassing, I thought nanny Maria was just slacking off as she constantly played that strange game with George where she keeps putting some sort of cloth on his bottom only to take it off a few hours later” explained Kate.
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Barred from the election campaign
Following mounting concern amongst Ballsfandom followers at Ed Ball’s absence from the political front line, the Labour Party’s publicity machinery has clanked into life to assure Balls fans that their hero is alive and well and will be seen again soon after the General Election.
“Other than Ed himself, there is nothing sinister about Ed’s disappearance,” said a pro Miliband Labour spokesperson. “He has been told to concentrate on his next budget and to help him with this we’ve provided him with all the things he needs like a safe and secure house, several minders and his usual six square meals a day.” Continue reading
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Filed under Election 2015, News
UKIP would issue everyone in Kent with an emergency flag.
Nigel Farage has condemned ‘media bias’ for encouraging the government to give foreign aid to Nepal.
Britain has pledged £5 million to the earthquake-ravaged region, money that could be ‘better spent’ on a British earthquake, if one were to happen.
UKIP opposes spending on foreign aid, because its members don’t read the ‘World’ section of newspapers.
“By shamelessly reporting about foreign countries, the media is encouraging Britons to care. And that’s not something UKIP thinks we can afford to do”, said Farage.
“I don’t see Nepal giving money to people in Thurrock who may or may not be trapped in an avalanche”, he revealed. “And that can only be for one reason: they have a news blackout.”
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Another person of no fixed address is spotted.
Members of the EC have called an emergency search and rescue meeting, to look for some safe moral highground.
Reputations have been dashed like a small dinghy against a rescue ship, but so far, no-one else has been found responsible for the deaths of hundreds of refugees.
“We thought of blaming the victims, but that didn’t go down well at all”, said Jean-Claude Juncker. “So now we’re hoping to target the people smugglers.”
“But they insist they are only responding to market forces and that someone else created the demand in the first place. And quite frankly, that’s outside of our remit.”
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Harold’s fattest man, Billy McKean, has welcomed today’s news that physical activity does not reduce obesity.
The British Journal of Sports Medicine says it’s time to “bust the myth” about exercise.
Most Villagers will know that McKean starred in the TV documentary ‘Help! My Liver is the size of a Dog’ and has himself done extensive research.
“If they’d only asked me first” says Billy “I could have saved them a lot of time. Are you going to eat all those chips?”
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Filed under breaking news, Health, News
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