“WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!”
Following John Lewis and Sainsbury’s, Bargain Booze have become the latest retailer to unveil their Christmas TV advert.
The UK off licence chain have worked tirelessly on the ad, which aired for the first time at 9.15 last night on Challenge, during the first break in a repeat of a 2011 episode of Pointless. Continue reading
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“Hang on a minute, it’s ALL sugar???”
Following the news that homeopathic ‘treatments’ may be added to the list of ineffective things that doctors are not allowed to prescribe, fans of the sugar pills with nothing else in them have started to realise that the technique may be ‘bollocks’, it emerged today.
The controversial practice is based on the concept that easily-led people are likely to pay for anything which sounds cosmic, but the most ardent adherents are now noticing that even after much expense, they still seem to have hayfever, cancer or the clap. Continue reading
Jeremy Corbyn’s Privy Council swearing-in proved to be less frosty than envisaged thanks to the Queen quipping ‘while you’re down there sonny’ as he knelt before her.
Royal protocol is that new Privy Councillors kneel before the Queen and lightly kiss her hand, and there was concern staunch Republican Corbyn wouldn’t play ball.
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Sticking to the middle lane gives me the option to doze off
The Department for Transport says the ‘unproductive’ left hand lane and grass verges of the UK’s busiest motorway will be redeveloped for social and affordable homes.
“We were going to teach people to drive properly but when Hammond called for more departmental cuts I thought ‘why bother?'” said minister, Chris Grayling.
“As the former justice minister I’m used to destroying redundant structures, such as the prison service. In fact I might pop along help with this. I’ve still got the sledge hammer I used on the Legal Aid system Continue reading
Local killjoys, who couldn’t stand the sound of children playing next door, now face a fine for installing a device that, when activated, sent the youngsters scampering back to the safety of their computer screens.
Mr and Mrs Green read about anti-loitering equipment online, and decided to fashion their own to counter the sounds of joyful enthusiasm coming from next door’s garden.
“I don’t mind children” said Mr Green, “but they should be seen and not heard. It got so bad that we couldn’t sit out in the garden without hearing them laugh or politely ask their mum if they could help with anything.”
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No-one’s allowed to protest any more, because picture
Sanctimonious free-market apologists have slammed so called “anti-capitalism protesters” for their hypocrisy in propping up big business by having the cheek to buy sandwiches and wear clothes.
“Look at them,” ejaculated big nob in the City Toby Ffitch-Romper this morning. “Look at them with their jeans and their bread-based lunch snacks. Bought from a shop. The hypocrisy’s lost on them, of course.”
“Don’t get me started on those Guy Fawkes masks. They’re made in China you know, by workers struggling in terrible conditions. I know, because my bank owns the factory.”
“What these sheeple don’t realise is that even their clothes are made by poorly-paid workers to enrich the very elite which they purport to be protesting against! Me, I don’t take any protester seriously unless they’re naked, with no hair product, and haven’t eaten in six months. Anyone else is just a bastard.”
Chartered Accountant Alan Renfrew was of a similar opinion. “They’re out there with banners, letting themselves be photographed by iPhones! I mean, can’t they see the irony?”
“Personally, I make all my telephone calls to my wife Beryl by means of a long length of string and two cans. That’s not a statement about our throw-away society, I’m just a weirdo.”
“I might not choose to take to the streets to bring down the giant corporations, but if I did, the fact that I dress entirely in my own fluff would mean I’m not literally drenched in the blood of Bangladeshi factory workers.”
“Were it not for the fact that I unfortunately happen to be a mass-murderer specialising in loom-workers from the Bangladesh area.”
“That is, however, by the by.”
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Have you tried caring about people before they’re dead, Prime Minster?
As politicians prepare to gather at the Cenotaph this morning the government has admitted that it absentmindedly used the Armed Forces Covenant as toilet paper.
“At least that way it saw some practical use,” said Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson. “The covenant is supposed to acknowledge the moral obligation the Government owes the armed forces, ensure they’re not disadvantaged in the provision of services and get special consideration if needed but tits to all that. Have you ever met an ex-squaddie? I have and they’re unbearable, it’s all ‘spare some change, mate’ this and ‘I need a specially adapted home because an IED blew off most of my limbs’ that. You can’t get a positive word out of them.” Continue reading
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Pensioner Rod invokes the horror of war
There was a collective sigh of relief at this evening’s annual Festival of Remembrance when the traditional two minute’s silence finally commenced after the onslaught of the ‘popular’ songsters introduced to bring the 1914-18 Great War bang up to date.
It’s not often that the start of the solemn moment is met with a cheer from the audience at the Royal Albert Hall however the pain and suffering inflicted by the bombardment of howitzers from Pixie Lott and Rod Stewart took many onlookers back poignantly to the horrors of trench warfare and the cease fire brought about by the silence was greeted with much the same delight as the signing of the Armistice all those years ago. Continue reading
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A single crate of sun cream can protect a ginger Glaswegian for up to 45 minutes
The RAF have carried out aid drops of high-factor sun cream to ensure ginger tourists in Sharm el-Sheikh are protected from the sun until they can be brought home.
Urgent action was taken after Nicola Sturgeon highlighted that there were at least 700 Scots, many of who will be pale and ginger, among the Brits stranded in the region. Continue reading
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A UK citizen killed abroad is a tragedy. If they’re killed by their own government it’s an economic necessity
David Cameron says that flying UK citizens home from Egypt is a top priority as he much prefers it when they’re killed by his government and not Islamic fundamentalists.
“The decisions that I am taking are about putting the safety of British people first,” the Prime Minister said. “Until they’re back home and then Iain Duncan Smith can hunt them with dogs for all I care.” Continue reading
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Stuck here. Gutted.
The estimated 20,000 Brits who are stranded in Sharm el-Sheikh are doing their best to sound like they are not happy about the situation.
When interviewed for news reports tourists are muttering about ‘poor information’ and ‘not really knowing what’s going on’ while edging away, keen to get back to the bar of their all-inclusive resort before a queue forms. Continue reading
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You disgust me
New surveillance laws will see Theresa May turn up at your house, tut and shake her head disapprovingly if you have been looking at porn online.
The Home Secretary has unveiled the latest plans in the Commons today after initial proposals for her to follow you to work yelling “Pervert!” at the top of her voice were blocked by the Lib Dems. Continue reading
“Votes, lovely votes. I’ll count the votes in…”
David Cameron’s main concern about the Chilcot report delay is being unable to learn its lessons.
“I mean, I can’t actually see a problem in launching air attacks in Syria” mused the PM to close friends today “But without Chilcot, it’s just impossible to know what might go wrong.”
“Then there’s the plus side. To see RAF jets – not the Red Arrows, proper ones – in action… ‘I counted them all out and I counted them all back’… Continue reading
Nicky Morgan wonders if she could change the currriculum on Boxing day
The nation’s schools are today toasting Nicky Morgan, who plans to review how primary school pupils are assessed.
“That’s fantastic!” enthused Harold teaching assistant Carly Jeffery, when we broke the news to her this morning . “I’m bored with the current system, which is over a year old. Can you believe it, more than 12 months?” Continue reading
There’s a BMW in there somewhere, he just hadn’t got any lights on
Advice to drivers to leave larger spaces between them and the car in front in thick fog has seen some BMWs backing off to up to seven inches from the car ahead of them.
With heavy fog covering much of Britain today, driving conditions have become difficult, but BMW drivers have done their bit by tailgating very, very slightly less aggressively, and leaving a gap big enough for a very small dog to squeeze through. Continue reading
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In a protest against the rampant commercialisation of Halloween, a vicar in Harold has dug her heels in and cracked open a number of graves.
“Some of the pricey tat in the high street wouldn’t spook even the most recently bereaved”, said Rev. Tansy Forster.
“But dig up their aunt, pop a tealight in their mouth, and you’ve got something terrifying for under a pound.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, News
“I was helping a charity to dig wells in Afghanistan but – foolishly – hadn’t shaved; out of respect for the local culture” explained Shaker Aemar, the last British resident held in Guantanamo Bay, now back in the UK.
“So really, I’ve only myself to blame for being locked up without evidence, charge or trial, from before my son was born 13 years ago.”
Mr Aemar is grateful to the free, rule-of-law countries which have kept the world safe from the risks he posed of beard-lice and freshly dug wells, since bounty-hunters hoiked him off a street and cashed him in with the US military in 2001. I was what they call a clear and present danger, thank goodness they got me in time.”
“It’s not only the good old US of A I’m obliged to” chuckled Aemar “The UK government has no plans to detain me either so I’ll have done no more than the equivalent of a 28 year jail sentence. Result!”
“I’ve learned my lesson though” he added “Someone at UK immigration today suggested I might shave my beard off for Children in Need, but I’m giving charity work a miss for the time being.”
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‘I’m going to write to Watchdog, blah, blah, blahdy blah….’
Breaking with years of well established tradition Mrs Fiona Warburton of Harold managed to complain to EDF about the accuracy of her energy bills without once mentioning her elderly mother’s advanced Alzheimer’s or her daughter’s terminal leukaemia. Continue reading
Where’s Tony?
The ‘Maxwellisation’ process which has delayed the Chilcot Iraq War enquiry will mainly involve throwing former Prime Minister Tony Blair from a yacht, it emerged today.
The process, named after the practical measures taken in disposing of evil megalomaniac Robert Maxwell, involves the ‘accidental’ drowning and/or disappearance at sea of a person too unpleasant to deal with in any other way.
Blair’s reluctance to be weighted down and hurled into the ocean is believed to be one reason behind the extreme delay in finishing the enquiry.
“People are blaming me,” explained enquiry chief Sir John Chilcot, “But they don’t realise the time it takes to persuade a man like Blair that everyone would be better off if he was just tied up and dropped into a large body of water. I’m doing my best.”
At first it was hoped that the former Prime Minister would consent to being strapped to a pile of bricks and dropped into the North Atlantic, but after negotiation with his advisers this punishment was reduced to being gently pushed into the warmer waters five miles off Antibes in the Mediterranean.
Hopes that Blair could be weighed down with the broken dreams of a million dead Iraqis were deemed to be more poetic than practical.
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But is it rubbish?
Cleaners at a museum in Italy were left red-faced today after mistakenly leaving a huge pile of mess from a party, after mistaking it for a modern art installation.
The empty champagne bottles, confetti and pieces of paper did look like a confronting modern exhibit meant to represent the decadence of 1980s Italy, characterised by hedonism and consumerism, but were in fact merely a pile of old crap. Continue reading
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