No-one’s allowed to protest any more, because picture
Sanctimonious free-market apologists have slammed so called “anti-capitalism protesters” for their hypocrisy in propping up big business by having the cheek to buy sandwiches and wear clothes.
“Look at them,” ejaculated big nob in the City Toby Ffitch-Romper this morning. “Look at them with their jeans and their bread-based lunch snacks. Bought from a shop. The hypocrisy’s lost on them, of course.”
“Don’t get me started on those Guy Fawkes masks. They’re made in China you know, by workers struggling in terrible conditions. I know, because my bank owns the factory.”
“What these sheeple don’t realise is that even their clothes are made by poorly-paid workers to enrich the very elite which they purport to be protesting against! Me, I don’t take any protester seriously unless they’re naked, with no hair product, and haven’t eaten in six months. Anyone else is just a bastard.”
Chartered Accountant Alan Renfrew was of a similar opinion. “They’re out there with banners, letting themselves be photographed by iPhones! I mean, can’t they see the irony?”
“Personally, I make all my telephone calls to my wife Beryl by means of a long length of string and two cans. That’s not a statement about our throw-away society, I’m just a weirdo.”
“I might not choose to take to the streets to bring down the giant corporations, but if I did, the fact that I dress entirely in my own fluff would mean I’m not literally drenched in the blood of Bangladeshi factory workers.”
“Were it not for the fact that I unfortunately happen to be a mass-murderer specialising in loom-workers from the Bangladesh area.”
“That is, however, by the by.”
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A startling political transformation is sweeping through the UK’s straight men this morning as they contemplate going into town and throwing themselves at shops selling cards, flowers and bath bombs with all the urgency and judgement of a pack of coked-up wolves.
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