Category Archives: Around Harold

Village Women’s Institute caught up in global food scandal

Now we know why parmesan is the stinky cheese

Now we know why parmesan is the stinky cheese

Some of the village’s most respected female community members are keeping a low profile today after harrowing accusations surrounding food stuffs produced by the local Women’s Institute.

At the centre of the allegations is the WI’s “Organically matured grated hard cheese for pasta”, which most consumers had assumed to be a variation of the Italian favourite parmesan. However, sources claim that members have simply been using Scholl foot files to produce the shavings from the soles of their feet at little to no cost, placing it into rustic looking boxes, and selling it on for £4.99 a pop. The FSA have launched an investigation, however the WI are claiming the labelling is factually correct, and therefore no rules have been breached.

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Filed under Around Harold, Crime

Plans for futuristic electric car promising ‘infinite range’ go flat

1979 Mini-metro is at the forefront of modern motoring

1979 Mini-metro is at the forefront of modern motoring

A pair of keen environmentalists, who locked themselves in a shed for 12 years promising not to come out until they had developed a long range electric car, have finally unveiled their adapted 1979 Mini-Metro.

“The exciting thing about this car is that the range is pretty much infinite” John Goody, one of the pair explained. “The only thing that restricts the distance is your imagination, and the length of the extension cable you use.

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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, News

Town twinning committee seeks new members as tragic incident depletes numbers

Road baghdadHarold’s town twinning committee is looking to recruit 3 new members after their latest overseas visit ended in tragedy.

The group of Harold town councillors and local dignitaries had been returning to Damascus from a highly successful community relation enhancement exercise in Aleppo when their bus was hit by a rocket propelled grenade, believed to have been fired by forces loyal to President Bashar-al-Assad. This latest incident brings the town twinning committee’s death toll to twelve. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, News, Politics, Uncategorized

Villagers alarmed by Labour’s silence create their own Opposition

The wax-Miliband on the high street appears to be about to speak but would anyone remember what it said?

The wax-Miliband on the high street appears to be about to speak but would anyone remember what it said?

Concerned villagers in Harold have erected wax and cardboard images of Ed Miliband to try and create a sense that the UK does have an active Opposition.

‘It’s all IDS this, Osborne that, and Cameron everywhere you look,’ complained Julie Kettle as she tried to clean the cardboard-Miliband outside The Squirrel Licker’s Arms. ‘Where’s the Leader of the Opposition? It’s scary. I feel like we’re living in a one party-state and it’s a crap party without any crisps or jelly. So we’re putting Milibands around the village to make it seem like he’s actually doing something and engaging with real people.’ Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Politics

Harold Police arrest Yew trees

JimmyPolice made its first contribution to Operation Yewtree by arresting a stand of Yew trees overlooking the children’s playground at Harold Common. Some of the arrested trees are believed to have been leering at young children for more than 500 years.

PC Anita Flegg confirmed the arrest of the Yew trees, and said it was shocking that they had got away with their perverted behaviour for so long.

“I think we all got complacent – all we saw was a stand of attractive conifers that not only provided shade for the playground, but were doing their bit for the environment by converting life-threatening carbon monoxide into the air that we breathe. But all that good work counts for nothing when you consider how the trees stared at the children while their trunks grew harder and ever more erect.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, News

Doctor Beeching’s Axe found under railway siding

Vikki the Viking

Vikki, 19, with the axe

Building work on a new development of twelve badly-needed speculator starter homes was brought to a halt yesterday after an ancient axe was found at the site of the old West Station in the village of Harold.

Contractors initially thought they had made a find to match the discovery of Richard III’s skeleton under a Leicester car park and called in archaeologists, but the find was found to date back only 50 years to when the infamous Dr Beeching was putting the finishing touches to his destruction of Britain’s railway branch lines.

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Filed under Around Harold, Education, Lifestyle, News

Committee ‘delighted’ as Piers Morgan turns down invitation to open village fete

morgan
Faced with the perennial problem of finding a candidate to open Harold’s village summer fete, organisers decided to aim high this year and their ambitions have paid off with the refusal of none other than TV personality Piers Morgan to attend festivities.

‘This is fantastic news,’ committee chairman, Nick Stalling, told the Evening Harold at a celebration meal at the 38th Parallel, Harold’s North Korean restaurant. ‘We contacted him using that Twitter thing that you have and he replied almost immediately with the simple but thoughtfully chosen words “@EveningHarold No thanks.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, News

Residents on benefits plead to be taken into police custody to keep village safe

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Worried residents of Harold who are currently on any form of benefit from job seekers allowance to war widows pension pleaded with the police to take them into custody to ensure the safety of those around them.

Carly Jeffery who works as a teaching assistant at St Mary’s and receives housing benefit and child benefit for her two children Ben (7) and Alice (4) is terrified that being in reciept of government money means that she will harm her family.

“With the Daily Mail claiming that Mick Philpott and his two accomplices wouldn’t have killed if being on benefits hadn’t made them do it, I’m worried for the safety of my children. I love the kids to bits but I now see that they have been born into a culture of dependency and are doomed to be as feckless as I am. It’s only right that I’m locked up and they are raised by the state which will of course ease the burden on hard working tax payers and give the children a better chance in life, won’t it?”

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Filed under Around Harold

Tesco’s self-serve checkouts become more realistic; now with added attitude

Click the picture for a closer look

Click the picture for a closer look

With an increasing amount of complaints about self-serve checkouts in shops being ‘impersonal and robotic’, Tesco are trailing a new version of the tills that gives you the lack of service you have come to expect from a real barely-live person.

Tesco Express in Harold is one of the stores testing out the checkouts and so far they seem to have gone down well. “I always felt uneasy at the way the machines would say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’” one loyal customer explained.

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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, News

Management Studies prodigy earns place at Dunstable Metropolitan University

ProdigyMeet Simon Kettle – Harold teenager, school badminton club member and from October, the youngest undergrad at Dunstable Metropolitan University, reading Management Studies.

The 14-year-old’s stream of pseudo-profound motivational jargon is such that even his head of General Studies at The Shining Future Academy and IT Achievement Haven (formerly Harold Comprehensive), Clive Morris, is unable to keep up.

“He was spouting vacuous soundbites almost as soon as he could talk,” said proud Mum, Julie Kettle, owner of Cuts Both Ways scissor emporium on the High Street. “He was all ‘actualise this’ and ’empower that’. Our main challenge has always been creating opportunities for him to talk claptrap with professional tossers of a much higher level.”

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Filed under Around Harold, Education, News

Kensington and Harold colliery band ‘an insult to mining communities’

miner

Blacking up was ‘not appropriate’

The newly formed Kensington and Harold colliery band has been slammed as ‘patronising’ by the National Union of Miners.

The musicians have no connection with mining, the nearest pit is 135 miles to the north. But that didn’t stop the group reaching the semi-final of this year’s Scargill Testimonial Band Play-off.

With most of the musicians working in IT or finance, forming a colliery band may not have seemed an obvious choice.
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Uncategorized

BREAKING NEWS: Graham Norton arrested naked in High Street

graham

Disgusting Graham Norton wasn’t this one

49-year-old Irish television presenter Graham Norton, host of comedy chat show The Graham Norton Show, shares his name with a man arrested naked in Harold village’s High Street this morning, it has emerged.

Norton, who took over the prestigious Friday night slot on BBC One from Jonathan Ross in 2010, is not the same man as the Harold local who police detained today for performing a lurid dance routine on the steps of the Boer War memorial, naked apart from Wellington boots and a Phillips screwdriver.

Openly gay Norton, who is known for his camp demeanour, innuendo-laden dialogue and flamboyant presentation style, has nothing in common with the local man (who has been detained for further questioning) other than the shared name, which is a total coincidence.

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Filed under Around Harold, Golden Showers, International News

Wheelchair teen’s job fury

Impressive but could he stop an old woman from stealing cat food?

Impressive but could he stop an old woman from stealing cat food?

A young Haroldian is claiming that he was turned down for a job as a security guard at the Harold branch of Tesco Express because he uses a wheelchair. Referring to himself as an “extreme sitter” Simon Delaney (17) says that he would be much more effective in the role than the current incumbent, William McKean.

‘Have you seen the state of that fat bastard?’ A furious Delaney demanded. ‘What’s he going to do when he sees someone shoplifting? Sweat at them until they stop? I’m rolling twice as fast as a man can sprint. No one’s getting away from me, it’s not happening. McKean’s about as much use as tits on a fish.’ Continue reading

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Chip shop in fish swap for flip-flops

fishflop1The villagers of Harold have reacted angrily to news that their local chippy has been fobbing them off with batter-encrusted flip-flops.

Until the scandal, ‘The Stephen Fryer’ had been held in high regard locally, for its cleverly evasive word-play on the Perspex menu board.

“Everyone knows you don’t really want to know what you’re getting, if you order a saveloy or the ‘southern-fried bites’”, said Cllr Ron Ronsson.

“And it’s common knowledge that you should never just order the ‘fish’, because that’s battered paper towels that Stephen wipes the wobbly bits from his hands on.”

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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, News

Somali production of Pirates of Penzance plays to captive audience

The Harold International Arts Festival got off to a rollicking start when the entire audience was held hostage and relieved of their valuables at the Somali Players production of The Pirates of Penzance.

The Gilbert and Sullivan favourite was the headline act at the Arts Festival, and the Somali players had already caused a stir by arriving in town on small inflatable craft up the Harold River. That publicity stunt, plus earlier reviews that the show was “captivating”, ensured there was a full house at Harold Village Hall.
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Weekly Round Up. Ron Ronsson’s Ford Escort wins Easter bonnet competition

Some local news and notices you may have missed in the past week.

For the third year running, Ron Ronsson’s gleaming 1987 Ford Escort won the Easter bonnet competition. A delighted Mr Ronsson said ‘I’m pleased to say that my pride and joy is still in full working order. It gets a polish every single day.’

There was a strong interest in the Good Friday flagellation classes led by Brenda Ferguson. After the class, there was a whip around for village hall funds.

Come back Duck No. 9…

The Bank Holiday Duck Race on the River Gluggle was abandoned after half the ducks refused to allow villagers to attach numbers to them. The remainder of the ducks flew away to a neighbouring pond. ‘Next time,’ said Emilie Bourdain, who supplied the ducks, ‘I’m going to use geese. They’re far more reliable.’

PC Anita Flegg would like to remind people that dog fouling on Harold’s pavements will not be tolerated. “The police take a very dim view of anyone who hacks a spaniel down from behind, particularly when they’re not on the ball”, said Flegg.

The council will hold a public consultation on refuse collections this Wednesday, in the back of Cllr Commerbund’s camper van. Proposals include the reintroduction of stocks on the village green for anyone putting food waste in their recycling, and the compulsory use of winter tyres on wheelie bins.

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Filed under Around Harold, News, Uncategorized

Controversy as local soccer team names Benito Mussolini as new manager

haroldFC

No left-wingers

In a move likely to raise eyebrows among their grass-roots socialist supporters, local football club Harold Thursday have made the surprising choice of Benito Mussolini as their new manager.

It was well-known that the team desperately needed a new “big name” coach, but the choice of the former fascist leader of Italy is a surprising one nonetheless, given his lack of recent English soccer experience and death in 1945.
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Filed under Around Harold, Dating, Sport

Drum stick shortage threatens village music festival

drumstick

Dr Evans warns ‘tip can go off if you rub it’

A world-wide shortage of drum sticks has led to the cancellation of the Harold Music festival just days before the event is set to get underway.

Josh Fenning, drummer with local thrash metal band ‘Methyl Bromide’, says he has been without a drumstick for over two weeks and has no idea when he will be able to play his drums again.

Josh reckons that on average he gets through around 20 drum sticks a night, mostly left-handed ones which he normally buys from a specialist dealer on eBay.

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Harold Easter egg hunt ends in cabbage carnage chaos

They don't grow on trees

They don’t grow on trees

The traditional Harold Easter Sunday egg hunt has been proclaimed a ‘resounding success’ this year after only three toddlers were hospitalised and just one marriage ended abruptly.

Villagers young and old gathered on the village green early to begin the annual hunt; each eager to take home the largest number of eggs, and despite the actions of the animal rights activists, the mood was excitingly competitive.
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Tensions rise over weapons between North and South village gangs

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The long running battle between gangs in North and South Harold saw a worrying development yesterday as the North declared a state of ‘we’re gonna knock you out, innit’ against their Southern counterparts.

The situation in Harold has been bubbling under the surface for a long time, but has escalated amid fears that the ‘People’s Democratic Rudeboys of Harold’ (PDRH) have tested long-range catapults.

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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, News