Until the scandal, ‘The Stephen Fryer’ had been held in high regard locally, for its cleverly evasive word-play on the Perspex menu board.
“Everyone knows you don’t really want to know what you’re getting, if you order a saveloy or the ‘southern-fried bites’”, said Cllr Ron Ronsson.
“And it’s common knowledge that you should never just order the ‘fish’, because that’s battered paper towels that Stephen wipes the wobbly bits from his hands on.”
Stephen Trawlerman, the proprietor of the now-fishied business, believes the problem lies not with his deep-fried footwear, but the poor diction of his customers.
“It’s not my fault that the idiots round here can’t say ‘big-cod’ or ‘kids-cod’ more clearly”, said Trawlerman. “They need to speak up a bit, if they want to drown out a spitting espadrille.”
Food safety officials were first alerted to the scandal, when a customer complained that his fish had too much texture, and actually tasted of something.
“We sent some samples to our lab, and the results showed there were traces of footwear”, explained hygiene inspector Derek Lazenby.
“Which was strange because I’d ordered the cod, not the sole.”
Lazenby also complained that his ‘cod’ was served with a thin layer of brown sauce, for which Mr. Trawlerman later apologised.
“The demands of my customers mean I’m always looking for short-cuts”, admitted Trawlerman. “But it in hindsight, I shouldn’t have walked here through the long grass at the back of the kennels.”