Meet Simon Kettle – Harold teenager, school badminton club member and from October, the youngest undergrad at Dunstable Metropolitan University, reading Management Studies.
The 14-year-old’s stream of pseudo-profound motivational jargon is such that even his head of General Studies at The Shining Future Academy and IT Achievement Haven (formerly Harold Comprehensive), Clive Morris, is unable to keep up.
“He was spouting vacuous soundbites almost as soon as he could talk,” said proud Mum, Julie Kettle, owner of Cuts Both Ways scissor emporium on the High Street. “He was all ‘actualise this’ and ’empower that’. Our main challenge has always been creating opportunities for him to talk claptrap with professional tossers of a much higher level.”
Simon was already sitting Media Studies GCSE at the age of 11, and will join a select few whizz-kids who have gone up to Dunstable Met years in advance of their peers, following in the footsteps of joined-up-writing savant Hazel Martins and the tragic capitals-of-the-world genius, Nathan Walker.
Teachers worried that the sickening events of “29/9” might have derailed the bullshit wunderkind’s ambition, and kept him at his school another year, but thankfully he bounced back in time to submit his power-point coursework last month.
Simon is taking it all in his stride, though. “This is just a timely paradigm shift as I step up to the plate and migrate to the big leagues. All I need to do is pre-prepare a spectral, go-to-market and day-to-day realignment of my core competences going forward, as I enhance my resourcefulness collateral. Simples.”
Mr Morris said “He’s already annoying people who are a lot older than him. His ability to absorb new cliches and apply what he has learned in new, inappropriate situations is phenomenal.
“I have never met anyone of that level before and probably never want to again.”
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