Residents on benefits plead to be taken into police custody to keep village safe

Worried residents of Harold who are currently on any form of benefit from job seekers allowance to war widows pension pleaded with the police to take them into custody to ensure the safety of those around them.

Carly Jeffery who works as a teaching assistant at St Mary’s and receives housing benefit and child benefit for her two children Ben (7) and Alice (4) is terrified that being in reciept of government money means that she will harm her family.

“With the Daily Mail claiming that Mick Philpott and his two accomplices wouldn’t have killed if being on benefits hadn’t made them do it, I’m worried for the safety of my children. I love the kids to bits but I now see that they have been born into a culture of dependency and are doomed to be as feckless as I am. It’s only right that I’m locked up and they are raised by the state which will of course ease the burden on hard working tax payers and give the children a better chance in life, won’t it?”

It’s not just parents who are demanding incarceration.

“I was okay about being given money by the state so I didn’t starve,” said Adam Cassidy, who is currently on job seeker’s allowance. ‘Then I heard George Osborne say ‘It’s right we ask questions as a government, a society and as taxpayers, why we are subsidising lifestyles like these. It does need to be handled‘ And I realised that if the Chancellor is linking what I thought was a wildly abnormal and horrific crime with being on benefits then the problem must be very real and very serious because only an abhorrent arse would use the deaths of six children to score cheap political points. Clearly I should be removed from society before I do something terrible.”

Harold’s police service has been swamped with residents demanding that they be arrested because they are scroungers and moral degenerates who refuse to work and have no moral compass.

“I had winter fuel allowance and a cold weather payment,” Ruby Butler (83) told the Evening Harold. “Now I’m part of what A.N Wilson called ‘the bleak and often grotesque world of the benefit scrounger‘ along with most of the rest of the Mothers’ Union. Please take me off the streets before I start selling crack.”

As dozens surrounded the police station and begged to be put behind bars PC Anita Flegg appealed for calm.

“We’re not interested,’ she told the crowd. ‘We don’t think being on benefits makes you a criminal anymore than being a GP makes you the next Harold Shipman.”

Rumours that local GP Dr Clive Evans has tried to hand himself over to police as a preventative measure remain persistent but unconfirmed.

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