Harold Police arrest Yew trees

JimmyPolice made its first contribution to Operation Yewtree by arresting a stand of Yew trees overlooking the children’s playground at Harold Common. Some of the arrested trees are believed to have been leering at young children for more than 500 years.

PC Anita Flegg confirmed the arrest of the Yew trees, and said it was shocking that they had got away with their perverted behaviour for so long.

“I think we all got complacent – all we saw was a stand of attractive conifers that not only provided shade for the playground, but were doing their bit for the environment by converting life-threatening carbon monoxide into the air that we breathe. But all that good work counts for nothing when you consider how the trees stared at the children while their trunks grew harder and ever more erect.”

PC Flegg said the Yew trees had gone to extraordinary lengths to cover their activities, with long, gnarly branches curving towards the ground and taking root to form a protective canopy which was made more impenetrable by the dense covering of evergreen leaves.

“It sickens me to think of those children playing under the canopy, with their parents standing by oblivious to what is happening behind the thick foliage. It seems some trees even used the old paedophile trick of brightly coloured, red berries to attract children and spread their seed.”

While she was pleased with the arrests, PC Flegg said her one disappointment was that a particularly notorious old Yew tree with white leaves and gaudy, gold decorations had died last year, thus escaping justice.

Harold Mayor, Rufus D Jackson, said the case was a triumph of old-fashioned police work combined with valuable help from the public.

“My understanding is that the Police were alerted to the activities of the Yew trees by a group of retired BBC DJs and comedians – you have to admire their public spiritedness to take the time to unmask such heinous crimes when they could be relaxing in their retirement.”

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