Impressive but could he stop an old woman from stealing cat food?
A young Haroldian is claiming that he was turned down for a job as a security guard at the Harold branch of Tesco Express because he uses a wheelchair. Referring to himself as an “extreme sitter” Simon Delaney (17) says that he would be much more effective in the role than the current incumbent, William McKean.
‘Have you seen the state of that fat bastard?’ A furious Delaney demanded. ‘What’s he going to do when he sees someone shoplifting? Sweat at them until they stop? I’m rolling twice as fast as a man can sprint. No one’s getting away from me, it’s not happening. McKean’s about as much use as tits on a fish.’
William McKean (47) who shot to fame five years ago as the subject of Help! My Liver is the Size of a Dog a frank documentary about his life as Harold’s fattest man declined to comment, though an employee at Tesco who wishes to remain anonymous said that the problem with Simon Delaney is not his mobility but his convictions.
‘Simon Delaney’s criminal record is bigger than both William McKean’s thighs,’ they said. ‘There’s a reason for the graffiti epidemic in Harold and there’s a reason why it’s all waist high.’
The enterprising teen is now planning on expanding his business offering over-refreshed drinkers a “lap home” from The Squirrel Licker’s Arms. ‘I’ve got a spare chair,’ said Delaney. ‘So I’m going to teach my mate Gav how to use it then we can do couples.’
‘No funny stuff though. That old bloke from last Friday night who kept wanting to stroke my face and call me Aubrey is definitely banned.’
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