Author Archives: waylandsmithy

by | June 12, 2014 · 11:56 am

Harry Potter books suddenly on GCSE syllabus

harrygove

Gove smiling as he holds his wand.

Michael Gove has announced that the syllabus for GCSE English will consist exclusively of novels by JK Rowling, following her recent ‘outstanding display of Britishness’.

As a result of her sizeable donation to the Scotland ‘No’ campaign, the author has been reassessed by the education secretary. Her books are now rated as ‘outstanding’, rather than ‘satisfactory’ as previously thought.

“I would endorse any author who promotes Britishness in their writing, especially if that writing is on a cheque book”, revealed Gove. “There’s a million reasons why we’ve made this decision.”
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by | June 11, 2014 · 11:00 am

Passportless British family claim asylum in Disneyland

sad disney

Family will flee to Universal Studios in future.

A family from Harold has spoken of their desperate journey to Disneyland, after their passports were processed a bit slowly.

With time running out fast for the Smiths, dad Michael feared they may be forced to seek holiday in Norfolk. He wasn’t prepared to subject his two children to such a fate.

“We’d done everything right”, claimed Michael. “There was a good 16 hours to go until the ferry left at the point when I filled in the passport application forms. Then I popped them on the mantelpiece for Linda to take to the post office. And yet somehow, they still haven’t bloody arrived.”
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by | June 10, 2014 · 7:00 am

Ed Miliband ‘will win back voters’ by using more Blair hand gestures

milihands

Miliband hopes to be loved by the nation as much as Blair is.

Ed Miliband has pledged to win back support from disaffected voters by adopting more of Tony Blair’s trademark hand gestures.

With the backs of his hands pushed out in front of him making a sort of odd scooping gesture, advisors insisted Miliband looked more statesman-like, more believable and more sincere.

“This one is called the ‘honesty gates'”, said Miliband, “I’m pushing them in your face. Can you feel yourself warming to me? The focus groups predicted that you would.”

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by | June 9, 2014 · 10:30 am

13 year-old convinces class mates he’s a real computer

bad robot

Unusually for a super computer, AD-1 runs on biscuits and crisps.

A 13 year-old from Harold has passed the Turing Test, convincing a number of his ‘friends’ that he’s really a computer.

Adrian Evans, or AD-1 has he prefers to be known, has worked tirelessly to adopt traits that only a computer would exhibit.

“BZZT”, said Evans. “IT IS THE LITTLE THINGS THAT…BZZT…CAN GIVE YOU AWAY”. Before adding, “THIS WOMAN’S SKIN LOOKS 10 YEARS YOUNGER, DOCTORS HATE HER.”

Evans’ attention to detail is truly astounding. He refuses to speak to anyone in areas that don’t have a wifi signal, and always leaves a small printed circuit board in the bowl after using the toilet.
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by | June 8, 2014 · 8:00 am

Parents arrested for allowing child to get ‘too ginger’

ginger

Ginger parent attempted to merge in with normal people, using hair clippers.

A couple in Harold has been arrested by police for allowing their child to become enormously ginger.

Aged just 11 the child is already pantone 152, a number at odds with national guidelines.

“Teachers first alerted us to the child when he was placed in a brightly-lit classroom, and the sun reflecting off his hair somehow stained all the chalk an offensive orange colour”, said PC Flegg.

“When an officer went round to warn his parents, they were confronted by a 38 year-old male who was wantonly ginger.”
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by | June 7, 2014 · 8:00 am

Veteran who escaped to Normandy vows ‘to press on to Berlin’

normandy beach

Lest we remember: veteran hopes EU will stand up to oppression of the vulnerable

A veteran who escaped a care home to find liberation in France has vowed not to rest until he reaches Berlin.

Reginald Evans, 91, tunnelled out of the care home and dodged guard towers around the perimeter.

Using false papers that showed he was a 27 year-old brunette from Harold, Evans won a job as a ferry captain and made his way to the continent.
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by | June 6, 2014 · 7:00 am

Atheists urged to stop believing in Richard Dawkins

dawkinsfrog

Dawkins claimed such a situation was statistically improbable.

Atheist parents should stop reading Richard Dawkins to their children, in case they grow up thinking the world isn’t magical.

That’s the advice being given by a leading pagan, who thinks religion is OK as long as it involves drinking, dancing and some really cool tricks.

‘Although Richard is real, there’s a lot about him that’s unbelievable’ said Nigel Pendragon, a self-styled druid and ukulele enthusiast. ‘Most youngsters wouldn’t seriously think that anyone was such a joyless monster.  If you thought church was dull, wait until you bump into Dawkins at a Christmas party. He’ll go on and on about evergreens, Romans and turkeys.’
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by | June 4, 2014 · 12:00 pm

Slow police response causes more ice cream deaths

icecream

99 calls about trivial murders could prevent action on ice cream emergencies

The family of a woman killed by a substandard ice cream has slammed police for the way they handled her case.

Wendy Barker called for help when she noticed her dairy adornments were dangerously lop-sided, but wasn’t taken seriously by official call handlers. Campaigners are calling for coppers to treat mistreated treats more professionally, or risk ‘getting monkey blood on their hands’.

“This poor woman experienced a very real and traumatising sprinkle crisis, only to be told by police to phone back if she’d been murdered”, claimed close friend Pippa Delaney. “There needs to be a separate number for these ice-cream based emergencies. Perhaps they could call it the Cones Hotline?”
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by | May 28, 2014 · 2:00 pm

Vladimir Putin heads poll in Tower Hamlets election

crimea

Democracy inaction?

Despite claims of voter intimidation and errors with counting, Vladimir Putin looks set to seize power in Tower Hamlets.

Some voters have complained to the council that polling booths were manned by an unmarked militia, brandishing AK-47s and pamphlets about baby oil and topless communism.

Winning Tower Hamlets could be a way for Russia to bypass sanctions on key personnel, once they move into the notorious shit hole and decorate it to look ‘more like Chechnya’.
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by | · 11:00 am

Nick Clegg claims silent iPhone ‘must have been hijacked’

cleggy

Did it just ring? No? Must have been crickets.

Nick Clegg has claimed his mobile has been hijacked by hackers, after it failed to ring for the fifth consecutive day.

Despite there being no ransom message or changes to the basic functions of Clegg’s iPhone, no-one has contacted him for nearly 120 hours.

‘There’s definitely something wrong with it’, revealed Clegg, as he checked his voicemail again. ‘I’m sure Vince Cable would have called by now to tell me I’m doing a good job.’

‘And there should definitely be some text messages from all my ex-MEPs, thanking me for my hard work, dedication and support.’

Clegg has tried making a handful of outgoing calls, but told us that this wasn’t working either.
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by | May 27, 2014 · 2:00 pm

Obsessive-compulsive buys Tracey Emin’s bed

‘I had to tidy it at all costs’ claims buyer

bed

Mattress ‘should be turnered over weekly’

‘My Bed’, a stinking pit vacated by Tracey Emin, has been sold to someone who can finally give it a good home.

Harold resident Elsie Duggan remortgaged her and several of her friends’ houses to finance the deal. She told us that she ‘couldn’t wait to sort (the installation) out’, and that it would be ‘nice to have somewhere for (her son) to stay over.’

‘I may not know much about art, but I know what I like’, said Mrs Duggan. ‘And that’s hospital corners, an ironed divan sheet and the pillow case openings facing away from the door.’

Mrs Duggan first saw Emin’s work in 1999, and has had a strong urge to tackle it with a bottle of Fabreze and a bin bag ever since.
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by | May 22, 2014 · 11:00 am

Mayor apologises for holding elections in public toilets

voter

Finger mark proves this chap used the facilities.

The Mayor of Harold has apologised for using the public toilets as a polling booth for the European elections.

Regulars found their way blocked by people with clipboards, asking them if they’d made up their mind about where they were leaving their mark.

“I often pop into these toilets to deal with a range of unpleasantries”, said local farmer David Evans. “I don’t give it much thought, or fully understand the workings of the complex system that deals with my shit.”

Evans was furious that he was unable to vote in his favourite trap, but delighted that the council had finally employed people to hand out toilet paper.
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by | May 20, 2014 · 11:00 am

Breakthrough as scientist discovers how to paralyse monkeys

stunned monkeyA local scientist has been hailed as a genius, after successfully paralysing a monkey under laboratory conditions.
Using just a computer, some needles and a powerful hammer, Dr Kyle Hostage was able to extract the ability to move from a series of primates.

“Ever since we discovered how closely related we are to these creatures, man has dreamed of being able to disable them”, said Dr Hostage.

Dr Hostage had experimented with a range of techniques, including daytime television, crisps and quite heavy hats. “But still I was unable to rob them of movement”, he admitted.
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by | May 19, 2014 · 2:09 pm

Harold Weed Exhibition ‘just flower show in wrong place’

dandelionA controversial weed exhibition on the outskirts of Harold has been branded ‘misleading’ by visitors.

With many expecting to discover a rebellious display of cannabis plants, hippies and Arthritis sufferers alike were left disappointed after following signposts.

“The one outside the post office was definitely pointing left”, said one rotund outsider in a frankly awful, rainbow-coloured jumper and straggly pony tail scraped across his balding pate. “I’m standing right here, I can read what you’re writing”, he said angrily. “you’re exhibiting prejudice against people who suffer joint pain.”

Despite a string of inaccurate and obtuse posters giving hints to several places where the weed show wasn’t, some visitors eventually found a flower show in the pointy room above the church.
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by | May 15, 2014 · 1:30 pm

Statin ‘safe’ judgement welcomed by pie-eating smokers

tablets

Sugar-coated statins ‘delicious deep fried’.

Fat people and smokers alike have welcomed a report into the safety of statins, and are planning to celebrate by eating a big cake and then popping outside for a fag.

With questions raised over side-effects from Britain’s favourite wonder drug, some bloaters had feared they may be forced into changing their lifestyle.

But now the British Medical Journal has given the pills the all-clear, sweating, gasping middle-aged people are looking forward to ordering some big pants and gradually cutting down on their exercise.

“When I read that statins might be bad for me, I dropped my tray of donuts in shock”, said Harold resident Malcolm Evans. “Then I felt a bit clammy, and my left arm started to hurt. It’s reckless, spreading scare stories like that. I nearly took responsibility for my own mortality.”
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by | · 7:17 am

Potato ‘proud to be for sale in Waitrose’

poshveg

Feeling chipper.

Jeremy, a white, middle-sized potato, has spoken of his pride after being selected by Waitrose.

Despite tough competition from migrant sweet potatoes, a Jerusalem artichoke and two swedes, Jeremy made it to the prime eye-level shelf opposite a kumquat and a pre-washed bistro salad.

“My teachers always said I’d amount to nothing more than the crust on an Aldi fish pie”, revealed Jeremy.
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by | May 13, 2014 · 11:00 am

Home heart bypass operations ‘safe’ claims owner of Scalpels-2-U

heart

Black represents the bad bit.

As more and more NHS services are moved from hospitals to the family home, an entrepreneur in Harold is offering door-to-door open heart surgery paraphernalia.

Brian Clutter insists that, just like giving birth, patients prefer a triple bypass in the comfort of their own lounge. And with a hygienic bucket to put any spare wobbly bits in, he promises those that survive will be pleased with the service.

“Basic washing-up liquid and a capful of bleach will clean up even the toughest of residue from a clumsily nicked artery”, claimed Clutter. “And rubbed-in dirt, perhaps from dropping a stray kidney and standing on it, can be shifted by turning the rug over.”
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by | May 12, 2014 · 11:00 am

BBC Scheduler sacked for mentioning ‘n-word’ (N*** Edmonds)

noel

SHOCKING: Society no longer considers some words acceptable.

Scheduler Tony Jacobs, responsible for the BBC’s light entertainment output, has been sacked for accidentally mentioning the ‘n-word’, N*** Edmonds.

The n-word is considered the most offensive phrase to TV audiences, particularly those old enough to remember Mr Blobby.

“Our Saturday night schedule might be rather second rate at the moment, but that’s no excuse to start bandying about the n-word”, said acting chairman Diane Coyle.

“It’s degrading to our culture, it’s degrading to anyone who still buys a television licence. But most of all, it’s degrading to those who had to work with the c***.”
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by | May 9, 2014 · 7:00 am

How do you like your steak done? Supermarkets label meat with choice of murders

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This sheep was stunned shortly before it was humanely run over.

In response to the uproar surrounding unmarked Halal meat, supermarkets have pledged to offer consumers much more choice in the way animals are killed.

Sifting through the meat aisle of her local Tesco, Harold resident Pippa Delaney welcomed the move.

“It’s so much better, now we’re properly and sometimes graphically informed”, she insisted. “Let’s see: cricket bat with a nail in it…bolt gun in the face…liver failure…ooh! This one sounds delicious AND guilt-free: ‘hit by a meteorite’. I bet that makes it tender as well.”

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by | May 6, 2014 · 11:00 am

Man dies after ignoring ‘5 second rule’

food

Ignoring 5 second rule ‘like playing Russian Roulette with biscuits’ warn experts.

Medical experts are calling for greater awareness of the ‘5 second rule’, the safe time limit for eating food after it’s fallen on the floor.

The campaign comes after the death of a man who ate a gravitied Hobnob, that had been on the carpet for over a quarter of a minute.

“Some jokers seem to think these rules don’t apply to them”, said Harold GP Doctor Evans. “Eating floor food after 5 seconds has passed can easily kill you. Or failing that, make you stronger.”
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