Author Archives: dvo

Osborne guarantees Indian match-fixing costs

osbornegambling

More donations and votes? You do surprise me

On the first day of his visit to India, George Osborne has announced match-fixers in the sub-continent will soon be eligible for loans backed by the UK government.

“Gambling is one of the UK’s great success stories.” brayed the man born into a wealthy family with an hereditary peerage app; a roll-over winner in the lottery of life “So we’re opening up that market to friends in India, who have friends in the UK with donations to make and votes to sell.” Continue reading

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Wonga victims ‘allowed to fake compensation interest rates’

puppet

Fake lawyer worked for some right counts.

People who fell foul of Wonga’s badly made, fake lawyers are already fabricating their own interest rates for compensation.

Not content with using fake old people as well as a forged moral compass, Wonga avoided paying for real legal representation by using a sock puppet with two blood-sucking fangs.

Pippa Delaney from Harold has yet to settle on the final settlement figure.
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Filed under breaking news, Business, Law and Order

Pope criticises mafia and calls kettle black

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You can smell the real thing. This is solid silver, put it back in the safe

Pope Francis has condemned what he called the Mafia’s adoration of evil, saying the gangsters were now effectively excommunicated in the eyes of the Church.

A notoriously dangerous criminal organisation, with complex financial structures and a vast network of agents across world, the Catholic Church is keen to preserve its status as Italy’s ‘Number 1’. Continue reading

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Paxman’s final Newsnight: Will Michael Howard be on?

paxman

Thinks: Howard, you utter ‘chump’

Jeremy Paxman will front his last Newsnight tonight. Paxman sprang to international prominence after his 1997 ‘grilling’ of  Michael Howard. Hopes were high that the irritatingly smug veteran might be persuaded to appear tonight and interview the former Tory leader again.

The BBC still doesn’t know if Howard will be there however, as revealed in this transcript leaked to the Evening Harold.

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Gove vows “I’ll find out if someone is responsible for education”

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Who might be responsible? Is it you Michael? Is it?

Michael Gove has blamed school governors, local authorities, the Education Funding Agency, Gerald, a lobster from Padstow, Ofsted and teachers for the ‘Trojan Horse’ scandal in Birmingham schools.

The Secretary of State for Education told a packed House of Commons of his concerns about the arrangements for monitoring schools.

“Yes, all those agencies are culpable, obviously. But what a shame there isn’t, say, one individual in charge of our education system.” said the Education Secretary to his stunned audience.

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Promised foreplay ‘failed to arrive’ say WI members

grey wool

Mostly grey and  a bit scruffy? Then four-ply is more likely than foreplay

Yet another problem for Harold WI it seems, following last year’s celebrated mix-up over ‘dog walking’ and ‘dogging’.

“We’d rather hoped those admin problems were behind us,” said WI Chairwoman Jane Fondant “although we did have a welcome surge in membership after ‘The Great 2013 Cock Up.”

Sadly there was fresh disappointment on Monday evening. Locals and visiting members from as far away as Leighton Buzzard gathered in a packed Village Hall, to hear Daphne Rogers’ illustrated lecture on Imaginative ideas for Foreplay.

“Daphne rummaged in her bag then, instead of lavender massage oil and chocolate sauce, hauled out two skeins of wool and a set of knitting needles.” says Fondant “It soon became only too clear she was determined to teach us all about four-ply knitting.”

After last year’s confusion Harold WI had been forced to remind villagers that husbands are allowed only at Invitation Events. “If there was any encouragement to take from Monday evening, it’s that no men turned up, so they’d clearly listened. Or more interested in dogging than foreplay ? No, that’s not very likely”.

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England fans despair as team vows ‘we’ll meet all expectations’

despondency

“And then, after the penalties, I usually slump my shoulders like this”

At a press briefing at Luton Airport on Sunday, Roy Hodgson confirmed younger England players are being taken to the World Cup primarily to get used to losing.

”Some have lost with their clubs at home and at European level: now they must do so on the World stage if they want to earn a long-term England place.”

Sadly, others are still hungry for success “You can see it in their eyes: they positively radiate passion, belief and hope. And it’s my job, together with Stevie [team captain, Gerrard], to snuff that out.” Continue reading

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Filed under 1966, News, Sport, World Cup

Night-time light linked to obesity is usually ‘the fridge door light’

piewithslicemissing

Might pies give off a gas which makes you fat?

Researchers studying a large group of women for 40 years say data collected shows the risk of obesity increases with over-exposure to any light-at-night, such as the problematic ‘light in the fridge’. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Food, Health, Lifestyle, Medicine, science

Hope fades for missing bee

iberianbee

Have you seen this bee?

Harold bee-fancier Chloe Ackroyd is considering suing her employers after they gave her a formal disciplinary warning yesterday. Ackroyd agrees that once again she’d arrived late for work on Saturday but says her boss refused to accept her genuine explanation as valid. 

“I’d popped into Dunstable Station to buy a skinny cappuccino and there was a rather tired bee on the platform,” she explained “I couldn’t leave it to be crushed so scooped it up in my cup.”  Continue reading

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Super-Rich List fallout: Chelsea to sack Abramovich?

mourinhoabramovic

“Spare change? Sorry mate, no.”

Chelsea fans have called for the sacking of Roman Abramovich, after a string of poor performances in the Sunday Times UK Super-Rich list.

“It’s got harder holding our heads high at the Bridge, since he dropped down the ‘How much?’ rankings,” complained fan Roger Brendan. Continue reading

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England players: ‘little time now left ‘ to avoid World Cup draft

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“Psst. Stop limping Phil, it’s your shoulder that’s injured.”

Many English Premiership footballers have only one game left in which to plan and suffer a devastating injury.

The prize at stake is missing the national team’s humiliation in Brazil and enjoying a long lazy summer with their cash and other close friends.

Arsenal’s Theo Walcott submitted a sick note as long ago as January, confirming his status as a true visionary in the eyes of his fans. Continue reading

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Prime Minister’s QC brother does unpaid ‘Community Service’

No this isn’t Dave, but it’s a scary thought isn’t it?

 A complicated fraud trial has been halted by a Judge because of cuts at the Ministry of Justice.

“To be strictly accurate, there is essentially one ‘Cut’ responsible.” said Alex Cameron QC, working free of charge on the application yesterday, “Chris Grayling, known as the ‘Unkindest Cut of all’ down at the Bailey. At least I think that’s what they call him.” Continue reading

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‘Want to get on? Then get a head start.’ Cameron tells youngsters

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Not handed to me on just any old plate. It was solid silver, half an inch thick and this big

Poor qualifications may mean British youngsters losing out on jobs, fears the Prime Minister. 

“My own father was good at Maths and English” he said yesterday “He could add up money and read tax law, which meant I had the qualifications to get into Eton College, after which it was onwards and upwards. If I have one question for aspirational young people, looking for opportunities today, it is this – do your parents have pots of money?” Continue reading

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Now Osborne complains: “Evans asked for a Hand Out”

shocked nigel evans

“You’re kidding!” Evans sees his lawyer’s invoice

Nigel Evans will not re-apply for the Conservative whip until he knows if his recent defence costs will be met by the CPS, say friends.

“Obviously, as a Tory, I’d  be opposed to any increase in state funding, especially for defending alleged criminals” said the former Conservative MP.

“However, just as obviously, as a flesh and blood human being, I feel very hard-done-by and frankly, to quote my bank manager, ‘completely skint’”. Continue reading

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Local school regrets sending children home with ‘Clandestine Affair Bear’

teddy1

Could you love a little bear? No, not like that

St Mary’s Primary School’s ‘Billy the Bear’ will no longer be taken home each weekend by one of the children. Following some unusually candid electronic diary entries by the popular cuddly toy, Harold Headteacher Alison Lee has reluctantly put the cuffs on little Billy until further notice.

“We’re a broad church here at St Mary’s but we’ve grounded Billy until he gets some intensive remedial education. We are also worried about a possible identity crisis, because he always logs in as ‘Janice’. Ms Lee highlighted several recent ‘Billy’s Diary’ entries that caused concern, including:

‘Siobhan’s mum is a liar. I went in a helicopter did I? Bollocks. She put me in the recycling bin twice and then vomited on my fur. I’d report her to social services, but they never take bears seriously. Especially toy ones.’ Continue reading

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“Thanks for calling Samaritans. Press 1 for ‘I’m a bit sad …'”

tescotrust

We did find the ‘Samaritans’ logo but  we really like them and couldn’t resist the irony of: ‘Tesco, Charity & Trust’

A recent Government announcement means a big shake up  for all UK charities. “As a Conservative I detest the public sector as an article of faith but I loathe ‘something for nothing’ even more.” says charities minister Nick Hurd “So we’re nationalising bigger charities, before selling them on to friends, and generally buggering about with the rest. Sorry? Because we can, that’s why.”

Sadly, not all charities are easily monetised and Hurd cites Samaritans as the worst offender in this respect. “It’s almost as if the last thirty years of management analysis had simply passed them by. Basically they’re still just talking with people, which is plain daft and very labour-intensive”. Continue reading

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Maria Miller’s handy guide to non-threatening phrase use

maria miller

“Do you want some?” When offering tea

Have you ever been embarrassed when a finance director keeps on asking you to justify your expenses claim? Maybe you were busy doing important stuff and forgot to explain but telling him to ‘P*ss off’ is rarely wise.

Sometimes your own career simply hasn’t prepared you for the task. If, say, you’ve worked in advertising – making things up for a living – you might not realise that sometimes people are supposed to be open and honest. Continue reading

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Toxic pollution warning ahead of tonight’s debate

man in fog

Clegg is ‘almost certain’ his voter is still out there

Environment department Defra has said ‘very high’ levels of pollution, not seen in the UK since the evening of 26th March, would spread inexorably over the whole country today, from an epicentre near to the BBC’s Television Centre, shortly after 1900 hours BST.

“Those with blood pressure or heart disease or of a nervous disposition are urged to avoid watching any TV from 7 o’clock this evening.” said a Defra spokesperson. “BBC2 viewers will be most at risk but the damage will certainly spread onto news and current affairs programmes across all networks. Make it 6.30 to be on the safe side.” Continue reading

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Mark Menzies: My Week in Westminster

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Here at the Evening Harold, like a Tory MP we have our fingers in many places. That’s why we can bring you this extract from Conservative MP and former PPS Mark Menzies’ blog: ‘My week in Westminster’

Well, it has certainly been  busy in Parliament this week.

Firstly during Prime Minister’s Question Time I urged the Prime Minister to continue to support Typhoon exports to secure the future of BAE Systems’ Warton site, while also reminding him of the quality of the company’s Fylde-based apprentices. Then I popped out to meet with Rogerio Santos. Young Roger entered the UK lawfully and so, as an elected representative of the UK, I decided to repay the compliment.

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Clegg and Farage square up for ‘The Rumble in the Colon’

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Political lightweights battle for third place.

Billed as the fight of the century, this classic confrontation of brain & brawn echoes the 1974 Ali v Foreman classic.

Our sports and political reporters put their heads together to give readers this detailed prediction.

Setting the scene:

In the yellow corner, or it may be orange, no one really knows, Clegg: Never thought of as a big hitter, he is fast on his feet. The legendary ‘Clegg Shuffle’ bamboozles opponents, leaving them punching thin air as the maestro performs his trademark U-turns.

Taunting is a big part of Clegg’s armoury; ‘I’ll float like a butterfly, sting like a butterfly’ he says of the forthcoming contest.

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