Environment department Defra has said ‘very high’ levels of pollution, not seen in the UK since the evening of 26th March, would spread inexorably over the whole country today, from an epicentre near to the BBC’s Television Centre, shortly after 1900 hours BST.
“Those with blood pressure or heart disease or of a nervous disposition are urged to avoid watching any TV from 7 o’clock this evening.” said a Defra spokesperson. “BBC2 viewers will be most at risk but the damage will certainly spread onto news and current affairs programmes across all networks. Make it 6.30 to be on the safe side.”
If you experience throbbing temples, involuntary muscle clenching or increased heart rate and breathing, the government has issued practical guidance on what to do. Their advice is to go outside, take several slow, deep breaths and then undertake some vigorous exercise for at least half an hour. Sex would be good, always depending on how understanding your neighbours are or how big a fence you’ve got.
This kind of corrosive pollution is the world’s biggest health risk, according to the World Health Organisation. It is linked to millions of deaths a year, many due to particularly irritating pollution triggering armed conflicts across the globe.
In other news the ‘return match’ debate between Nigel Farage and Nick Clegg will be broadcast on BBC2 this evening from 7pm.
Farage is expected to get close to meltdown, ranting about continental pollution ‘coming over here and spoiling all our air’. Meanwhile, in the Lib Dem annexe to the Coalition Bunker, strategists are devising a scheme for Clegg to lever in a mention of |Hitler, without seeming completely inappropriate. Their hope is that Farage won’t then be able to stop himself from highlighting the Fuehrer’s good points.