Monthly Archives: July 2013

by | July 13, 2013 · 12:00 pm

“How to explain a ginger baby” replaces “free porn” as UK’s top Google search

kate ginger2The 700 week run of “free porn” being the UK’s most popular Google search has unexpectedly ended in the run-up to the royal birth, with “how to explain a ginger baby” now taking the top spot. The battle for number one was very close until a number of frenzied searches from Kensington Palace finally saw a new champion.

When quizzed by journalists at his air force base, Prince William expressed considerable surprise at the result, commenting that he had personally searched for “free porn” a number of times that week.
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by | · 9:30 am

Aggers urges batsmen to walk: ‘only a cur would run between stumps’

agnew

Agnew demonstrated how ‘swallowing the ball’ was acceptable if the opponents were losing.

Respected cricket buff Jonathan Agnew has slammed England’s latest approach to the Ashes, after witnessing batsmen running between stumps to score points.

“In my day, breaking into a trot was very much frowned upon”, revealed ‘Aggers’, to audiences everywhere too tight to pay for Sky. “We know we’re better than them so there’s no need to break sweat. We should thrash them at a more sportsmenlike canter.”

With the latest developments in computers, cameras and foreign scapegoats, many had assumed that controversy had abandoned the Gentleman’s Game. But with some players still insisting on waiting for a ruling from umpires rather than a Pakistani betting syndicate, Cricket risks being tarred by the same brush that daubs the sort of chap who plays football.
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by | July 12, 2013 · 11:30 am

Fury as primary school bans cigarettes from lunch boxes

kid-smokingParents in Harold have reacted angrily to the news that they will no longer be allowed to pack cigarettes in their children’s lunch boxes.

For generations, schoolkids in Harold have looked forward to the lunch-time bell, and the little treats tucked away for ‘after their sandwiches’. A couple of Woodbines, a miniature bottle of scotch, or a horse valium to get them through a hard afternoon’s colouring-in.

Melody Hallett was one of the first to complain about the latest excess of a ‘nanny state’, despite not having any children to worry about.

“It wouldn’t have been a school dinner without a filter tip for dessert”, said Hallet. “We used to love tucking into one after we’d choked down the main course. But now, kids aren’t even allowed to pick the magic mushrooms that grow on the school field. Is it any wonder so many of them look bored?”
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by | July 11, 2013 · 2:20 pm

‘Security firms defend charging for tagging prisoners and dead people, citing amount of criminals and Jimmy Savile’

One piece of jewellery Savile never owned

One piece of jewellery Savile never owned

Two security firms accused of charging tax-payers to tag people who have gone abroad, are in prison or who have died, have hit back saying that they were just keeping an eye on the most dangerous in society.

A spokesman for G4S, one of the companies involved, said “we have actually done a lot of research into the type of person we should be tagging and far from conning the government, we have actually been doing them a favour. For example, did you know that in prison, 100% of the inmates have a criminal record?
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by | · 11:00 am

Sixth former despairs over lack of sexual harrasment from teachers

It's what he goes to school for

It’s what he goes to school for

Distraught Harold teenager, Simon Delaney has spoken out on the very serious subject of male school pupils being sexually harassed by their female teachers.

“Nothing,” he said glumly. “I’d get more action from teachers if I was at Hogwarts and half the staff there are ****ing ghosts.” Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Clegg confession: I like to dress as Gladstone at weekends

The world a better place when mens casual meant a cravat and not flaunting your moobs.

The world was a better place when men’s casual meant a slightly less restrictive waistcoat ;  not flaunting your moobs in the faces of the unwary.

Nick Clegg raised eyebrows during a speech last night when he confessed that he likes to dress up as William Gladstone – the towering political figure who served as a Liberal Prime Minister four times including two years during which he was simultaneously Prime Minister and Chancellor of the Exchequer.

“It’s not a sex thing,’ Clegg told a bemused audience of cycling proficiency instructors. “It just makes me feel safe. When I dress as Gladstone I feel that I look right that it’s the real me.” Continue reading →

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by | July 10, 2013 · 11:00 am

EXCLUSIVE: Prince Charles’ letters to government

rsz_1article-2318064-158c6f82000005dc-505_306x423Yesterday the Lord Chief Justice upheld the block on the publication of letters from Prince Charles to various Whitehall ministers saying that the public does not have the right to know the details of his attempts to influence government policy.

We are defying the law and publishing a selection of Prince Charles’ letters over the years. Let’s just be grateful that this one is content with writing. Prince Philip seriously believed that he should be allowed to participate in Cabinet meetings which we’re sure would have led to some jaw-dropping foreign policies, especially when Enoch Powell was a minister. Continue reading →

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by | July 9, 2013 · 1:25 pm

Union to disassociate itself from Ed Miliband

The leader of the Labour party set to disown Ed Miliband

The leader of the Labour party set to disown Ed Miliband

Len McCluskey, leader of the Unite union, will come out today and announce plans to abolish the automatic enrolment of members into the Labour party. Wishing to bring the union back to values of equality and fairness, he believes the automatic affiliation of anyone to Ed Miliband may go against their human rights.

“We know that we had supported Ed Miliband in the past, even helping him win the leadership election despite the fact most people would have preferred his brother” Mr McCluskey told reporters.
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by | · 11:00 am

Salmond ‘trumps’ Murray knighthood with offer of discount on massive golf course

murray

Murray assumes position for knighting himself

Andy Murray has spoken out for the first time about the unseemly ‘tug of love’ between David Cameron and Alex Salmond, which is tearing Britain’s favourite tennis player apart.

With Cameron pledging a knighthood and an open offer of cucumber sandwiches in Number 10’s rose garden, Salmond has hit back with a gift of 1,400 acres of Scottish coastline.

“It might seem a bit extravagant, but nothings too much for Scotland’s favourite son”, said Salmond. “There’s plenty more where that came from, if he should ever fancy owning his own loch.”

Not to be outdone, Cameron has promoted Murray in the line to the throne. He’s moved from 1,456,005th to third in just 48 hours.
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by | · 7:00 am

Gove puts state-maintained schools in England on naughty step

A picture of a man who gets sexually aroused thinking about Dotheboys Hall.

A picture of a man who gets sexually aroused thinking about Dotheboys Hall.

Michael Gove yesterday released a new national curriculum which will only be applied to state-maintained schools in England leaving academies, free schools and independent schools to teach whatever they like.

“We are very much being placed on education’s naughty step,” said Alison Lee, headteacher of St Mary’s primary school in Harold. “And held hostage to a curriculum that is rushed, chaotic and reactionary.”

“The Secretary of State for Education is constantly calling for state-maintained schools to be tougher, harder and fiercely competitive. I just wish someone would give us the freedom and the finances to make them better.” Continue reading →

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by | July 8, 2013 · 11:00 am

Andy Murray offered asylum in England

Our precioussss. It's our birthday and we wants him.

Our precioussss. It’s our birthday and we wants him.

David Cameron has confirmed that earlier this morning Andy Murray was formally offered asylum in England to save him from the threat of Scottish independence.

“We have been worried about this young man for some time,” said Cameron. “It started when he won the U.S Open only to increase as he went on to win Olympic gold and Queen’s. Yesterday’s triumph at Wimbledon served only to confirm that he must remain British.” Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Buy two – get a holy trinity!

 

We searched for images on the theme 'bride at a funeral' and this was the first picture we got. Can anyone explain this?

We searched for images on the theme ‘bride at a funeral’ and this was the first picture we got. Can anyone explain this?

With the upper echelons of the Church of England still debating the issue of women Bishops, the parish of Harold is already bringing the Church bang up to date.

St Paul’s is to pilot special discounts for 2013/2014. Speaking at the launch, Priest-in charge Rev. Tansy Forster outlined the key details of the scheme. “The headliner is that we’re offering ‘Three for Two’ on weddings, christenings and funerals.” Continue reading →

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by | July 7, 2013 · 10:00 am

Wombles despair as cutbacks threaten Wimbledon clean up

Tobermory may look calm however inside he's raging.

Tobermory: spokeswomble

Now the tennis is over the Wombles are struggling to give the All England Club a post-tournament clean due to cutbacks.

“The government said we had to become a profit-making service,” said spokeswomble Tobermory. “Wombles work as a team, Wombles are tidy and Wombles are clean but since we were forced to stop volunteering and make coin we’ve been shafted right up the Harry Hamster.” Continue reading →

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by | July 6, 2013 · 9:44 am

Beatles album competition reaches end of long and winding road

beach-boys-standard-pet-soundsHarold resident Alfie Brooks was delighted yesterday to be named as the winner of one of Britain’s longest running competitions.

Ringo Starr and Paul MacCartney both made the trip to Harold in person to announce Alfie as the winner of the “Which is the best Beatles album?” competition launched in 1970.

The competition was originally due to end in 1971, when George Martin sent the answer to Ringo. However Ringo misplaced the envelope and assuming it had been used as roach material, they decided to ‘Let it be’ and the competition rumble on for a further 42 years…outliving two of the Beatles! The contest has led to fierce debate around the country, not least in the Squirrel Lickers Arms where the pub landlord Eddie once broke a regular’s femur for suggesting that Rubber Soul was better than Abbey Road. Continue reading →

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by | July 5, 2013 · 2:30 pm

TV coup as ex-President Morsi appears on Piers Morgan’s Life Stories

Save your kisses for me!

Save your kisses for me!

The announcement last night that deposed Egyptian President, Mohamed Morsi, is to appear on Piers Morgan’s life stories was heralded as a major coup for ITV.

Seen as the biggest TV event since Piers snatched Susan Boyle from under the noses of Virgin Media, the programme promises to showcase Morgan’s true journalistic brilliance as he holds no punches by asking the questions to which the world wants answers. Continue reading →

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by | · 11:00 am

Family ‘already buried Nelson Mandela a few times’

mandela

Mandela all set for fifth funeral this week

Members of Nelson Mandela’s family are urging the courts to let them bury him as soon as possible, despite the 94 year-old statesman’s stable condition.

Insisting that Nelson is now in a ‘permanent vegetative state’, his relatives are keen for him to lead one final underground movement.

But their claims seem at odds with reports from others who have visited Nelson, who claim he’s ‘never looked fitter’.

“This morning I watched him eat a 16 ounce steak, then jog his way around a half-marathon”, said one visitor. “He didn’t win, in fact he nearly came last. But I don’t think that’s justification enough to bury him.”
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by | · 7:00 am

Local couple training hard for World Cross Country Oral Sex Championships

World-Wife-Carrying-Championships

Cheered on by an enthusiastic crowd in Basingstoke

A young couple from the village of Harold have spoken of their excitement at being chosen to represent England in the World Cross-Country Oral Sex Championships, held yearly in Finland.

In this ancient and traditional sport, a married couple must race over harsh mountain terrain, overcoming challenging obstacles and all the while indulging in mutual oral pleasure. The gruelling challenge proves too much for most competitors, and only the couples with greatest stamina, upper-body strength and head for heights stand a chance.

“We’ve been working so hard for this,” chirped bubbly Fiona Darling, 23. “My husband’s been up before dawn every morning for months, it’s been a real grind, but we’re ready. We won the UK championships in a close finish in Basingstoke back in April, and it’s amazing to find out we have a chance to bring it off again in Finland.”
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by | July 4, 2013 · 2:35 pm

Harold to get ‘Indoor Runway’ by 2014

polytunnel

Mind the cabbages!

Following winter flight delays at many UK airports, Harold Council has given the thumbs up for an all-weather cover at the ‘airstrip’ behind Church Road allotments. Eschewing technology used at sports venues, the allotment committee has taken a more straightforward approach.

“Of course, we looked at Wimbledon. The strawberries were good but the sliding roof would have cost about £13.6m; even with the Trevor Bayliss hand-wind version.” said committee spokesperson Frank Johnson.

“Anyway, allotment subs had already gone up by £4 this year so we plumped for something a little more affordable, keeping the ‘horticultural look’ of the area. In the end, we ordered heavy-duty polythene covers from Gardman Polytunnels. Funnily enough their ‘Jumbo’ range accommodates a 1930s Douglas Dakota DC3, with over a foot to spare at either wing tip, and might be safe with 25mm of snow and 30mph winds.”

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by | · 11:30 am

Village celebrates ‘Independence from Tesco Day’

butchers

Heads & Tails butchers promises to ‘make ends meat’

The villagers of Harold have taken to the high street, to celebrate their new-found independence from Tesco. Many spent under 45 minutes finding a parking space and then a business that wasn’t all boarded up.

For decades Harold has lived under the cruel tyranny of Tesco, suffering from a wide range of goods at near-affordable prices. But now a reasonably hygienic butchers has opened up on the High Street, breaking Tesco’s stranglehold on the community’s meat-based desires. Cllr Ron Ronsson spoke for many when he simply could not hold back his delight with this new place to get his chop on.

“I’ve been shopping in Tesco for so long now, I’d forgotten about the high street completely”, said Ronsson. “Then I found this amazing business that just sells meat and things made from the wobbly bits, so I thought ‘why don’t I buy everything from here?'”
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by | · 7:00 am

Health tourism: Local hospital reviewed. 3 stars

From the outset the décor felt 'clinical'

From the outset the décor felt ‘clinical’

With health tourism on the increase and the NHS being asked to charge more for it’s holiday services, we decided to take a weekend city break at the Luton and Dunstable University Hospital to review the amenities of this growing holiday sector.

Arriving at the hospital on a Friday evening, the first thing that we noticed is the large amounts of Brits that were very drunk and had clearly been fighting. Although we were located between Luton and Dunstable, this could have been any Spanish resort favoured by package holiday travel agents.

The receptionist seemed to be over-worked when we finally reached her desk. We were tenth in line when we joined the end of it, however we did notice the typical holiday problem of other being unable to queue. It seems that at this location arriving in an ambulance gives you priority checking in and saves you a four hour wait. Had it said this in the brochure, we may have opted for the ‘car crash’ option.
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