Buy two – get a holy trinity!


We searched for images on the theme 'bride at a funeral' and this was the first picture we got. Can anyone explain this?

We searched for images on the theme ‘bride at a funeral’ and this was the first picture we got. Can anyone explain this?

With the upper echelons of the Church of England still debating the issue of women Bishops, the parish of Harold is already bringing the Church bang up to date.

St Paul’s is to pilot special discounts for 2013/2014. Speaking at the launch, Priest-in charge Rev. Tansy Forster outlined the key details of the scheme. “The headliner is that we’re offering ‘Three for Two’ on weddings, christenings and funerals.”

“As school Governor I get to read the children’s files and am well aware how many ‘affianced’ parents haven’t quite got round to the nuptials as yet. Eating the jelly and ice cream before finishing the bread and butter, so to speak. So, this initiative might prompt some of you new parents to consider doing the right thing, albeit a tad late. If you have any children in common, getting them christened at the same time could save a great deal on costume hire & catering.”

Rev. Tansy suggested the scheme has much to offer the young couple who can’t afford to buy their own home. “Could a discounted funeral help offset that once-in-a-lifetime short-stay trip, say for an elderly Granddad, to a village near Zurich? You know – Club Class out, return via Freight? Thinking inside the box? “

The Church of England is notably more relaxed about ‘less than fully successful’ marriages nowadays – a factor Rev. Tansy highlighted in her address: “Perhaps spouse No. 1 wasn’t such a catch after all. Well, provided you’re quick off the mark with divorce proceedings, you could slip in No. 2 under the terms of this offer. But just a note of caution here – pretty rural churches such as Harold’s are very popular venues, especially for those with no religious affiliations or spiritual beliefs. So, better safe than sorry, why not book a provisional slot for at least one second wedding at the same time as the first and for a limited time only get the second set of Banns read at a massive 50% discount?”

[Parish Secretary Mavis Jackson later confirmed that the third sacrament must be used within 18 months of the first. The ‘fee-free’ event will be the cheapest. Other conditions apply; contact Rev Tansy for details.]

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