‘Left a bit, right a bit … yeah, good enough’
Theresa May has finally approved a controversial scheme at Hinkley Point, to process un-spent income into fat profits for France and China.
“State involvement in massive infrastructure projects is never a good idea.” asserted the PM today “Unless it’s a foreign State of course, in which case everything’s fine – ‘fill yer boots’ Continue reading
Confidence in driverless cars has soared after Google’s self-driving car chased a cyclist for three miles while unleashing a torrent of abuse and spraying the cyclist with water.
According to eye witnesses in Palo Alto, the incident started when a middle-aged cyclist with an enormous sense of entitlement jumped the traffic lights causing the Google self-driving car to slam on its brakes to avoid a collision. The cyclist then laughed, gave the Google car the finger, and sped off. But it is what happened next that made observers realise driverless cars really were here to stay.
So how do we open it? Is there a little key?
After attempting to put millions of people at risk by forcing Apple to undermine security on its phones, the FBI was left red-faced today after it emerged that the passcode on the suspect iPhone was actually just ‘0000’.
The FBI had started the lengthy process of obliging Apple to produce a new version of its operating system, which was expected to lead to years of legal challenges. Had Apple lost, the cost of making the change, along with the resultant loss of consumer confidence, could have led to collapse of the company, prompting a nation-wide recession and eventual slide into global disaster.
Anti-virus guru John McAfee offered to crack the phone for nothing, but after his offer was politely declined he annoyed everyone by popping up every two hours asking if they were sure they didn’t want it.
No hands on the wheel!
After months of testing, tax-avoiding giant Google has launched the first fully-driverless government, in which all the difficult decisions are taken out of the hands of error-prone politicians.
For the first time, actions usually associated with running a country will instead be remotely controlled by Google, meaning a huge reduction in errors such as trying to claim unpaid corporation tax.
“Even the best politician is liable to make mistakes,” explained a Google spokesperson. “And in the worst cases, these errors can result in significant damage to our profits.”
“Now with the driverless government, all the decision making can be left to us, safe in the knowledge that we know what’s best. For us.”
You love it
Apple is rumoured to be removing the standard headphone sockets on its new iPhone because the whole company is run by demons infesting the thirteenth plane of hell who want to punish the human race, it emerged today.
The 3.5mm headphone jack is currently located on every man-made object in the world, and was voted ‘2nd most useful item known to humankind’ last year, coming in just after air.
A spokesdemon for Apple refused to comment on upcoming products, but did confirm that ‘the humans up in the land of daylight have had it easy for too long,” adding: “BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA”. Continue reading
Local parents have solved the problem of excessive screen time turning their children into drooling homunculi who don’t know what trees are by putting pictures of them kissing on the home screens of all their children’s gadgets.
“Nothing repulses kids faster than the idea of Mum and Dad, or Mum and Mum, or Dad and Dad, or Mum and Just Call Him Uncle For Now And We’ll See How Things Go getting amorous,” Harold parent Ceaserina Okereke told us. “Mine took one look and ran out of the room. Which is good because kids don’t get much exercise these days. Now instead of watching crap on YouTube they want to play board games and read books.” Continue reading
A gang, known simply as The Government, is planning an audacious fracking heist, it emerged today.
The gang were heard briefly discussing the matter in Westminster but when challenged to a debate, they ran away laughing.
Friends of the gang will tunnel into shale gas reserves, hidden under areas of outstanding natural beauty, then make off with wheely bins full of cash.
Fracking is a complex process where the ruling party uses high-pressure economic strategies to squeeze every last penny out of the country and into their friends’ pockets.
A gang member, Dave, sought to put things in perspective. “Critics claim that this process often causes collapse of society. But, as we know, there is no such thing as society. Anyway, it will make my rich friends even more rich. I do hope that clears up any misunderstanding.”
The Goverment won’t take part in the raid itself, although individual members are expected to receive a cut of the loot later, in the form of lucrative company directorships and consultancies.
BOOOORN IN THE USA, I WAS…oh, sorry.
A new $4bn US ‘stealth’ warship can go into battle almost undetected, thanks to a breakthrough in playing Bruce Springsteen tracks a little quieter.
“Until now, the US Navy has struggled to stealthily police the world’s oceans”, explained marine engineer Chuck Cousteau, “without the enemy picking up traces of ‘Born in the USA’.”
Using a special graphene ‘towel’, the new vessel can ‘muffle’ its PA system, allowing the destroyer to creep around as quietly as a modest jazz frigate.
Filed under Technology, War
The recall will involve a new electronic component and a bucket of water.
Following a recall to fix unwanted fires, Metropolitan police have apologised for leaving Vauxhall Zafiras near protesters.
Vauxhall are recalling 22,000 of their cars to stop them bursting into flames, a fault that has already made anti-capitalist protesters in London appear more ‘bad-ass’.
“It’s completely unacceptable for the police to ‘petrol bomb’ us in this way”, said Anonymous supporter Brian Halls. “Although the recall also affects diesel models.”
‘I’m going to write to Watchdog, blah, blah, blahdy blah….’
Breaking with years of well established tradition Mrs Fiona Warburton of Harold managed to complain to EDF about the accuracy of her energy bills without once mentioning her elderly mother’s advanced Alzheimer’s or her daughter’s terminal leukaemia. Continue reading
Was this typed with a straight face?
Amazon has confirmed that unscrupulous shoppers who leave 5-star reviews of films, despite them containing Adam Sandler, will be sued.
Although Sandler has near-universal unappeal, some malicious trolls have gushed all over his leavings on the popular online shop.
Amazon fears this could cause unwary customers to order them, which might damage their trust in the tax-efficient company.
Apple’s latest phone will quietly improve social media, by ‘neutralising’ anyone that attempts to record video in portrait mode.
Speaking at a launch where some people were still pointing their phones up while recording, Apple’s CEO Dave Jobs (check this) tutted and slowly shook his head.
“Have you morons never seen a TV?”, he asked, “Look, our phones and tablets even look like little tellies. That’s a clue, dummies: which way round is that 48-inch flatscreen in your house?”
Using a simple tilt sensor and two convenient electrodes, the iPhone 6S will efficiently ‘take out’ users who waste the edges on ‘You’ve Been Framed’.
“I love that show”, said Jobs(?), “But I want the kitten to fill the whole screen when it does something adorable. Not just a strip in the middle, you mindless, selfish a-hole.”
Mums can’t imagine how they filled their time before Mumsnet.
Following an attack by hackers, Mumsnet is advising all 12 million of its users to change their password from “sotired” to something less obvious.
“Busy mums barely have time to sneer at the parenting skills of others”, said site owner Justine Roberts, “let alone think of an original password.”
“Besides, after the hassle of choosing a name for their child that neither their husband or parents laughed at, most of our members just bang in the first thing that pops into their head.”
Police warned the attack could make BMWs drive predictably.
BMW owners have been warned that they’re vulnerable to attack by hackers, after an owner reported that his car had been overcome by mystery flashing lights.
Using a computer to access the vehicle’s Infotainment system, hackers activated some redundant old code and let other road users know where the hell it was going.
Derek Hostage was driving his BMW X6 when the attack happened, and explained how the lights came on as he was cutting up an ambulance.
“The lights completely took me by surprise”, claimed Hostage, “so I swerved into a bus stop and stuck my fingers up at the waiting queue.”
Philae comforts itself pretending its a dishwasher in Surrey.
Philae, a probe that lays abandoned on a comet, has woken up drenched in sweat and feeling clammy.
After screaming itself to sleep just over 7 months ago, the lander awoke to find that it wasn’t all just a dream.
“Now that the batteries are charged, Philae can talk to us again”, said Hans Beckendorf of the European Space Agency. “And the first thing it said was ‘Fking fk fk, where the fking f**k am I?’.”
“It turns out that in space, someone can hear you scream.”
“I’m working my way up to an antelope.”
Are you bored with going to the gym and drudging away on equipment in front of a mirror? But are you too soft to go outside? An ultra runner from Harold thinks he may have the answer.
“Man evolved to be a ‘persistence hunter’, tirelessly chasing down antelope to the point of exhaustion “, explained Dave Evans. “We were truly ‘born to run’, not to squeeze springs with our thighs. Which is why I put a cow on a treadmill.”
Evans has created a more natural gym in his barn, where wannabe Kalahari bushmen can pursue a range of animals for days at a time.
“I’m catering for the everyday gym-goer, so you can start with a fat hamster, or one of my old donkeys if you like”, said Evans. “And gradually work your way up to a heifer. Just keep pursuing it until it reaches the point of exhaustion, and then finish it off with a stick.”
‘Hacker’ demonstrates how to immobilise the drinks trolley.
A 34-stone ‘hacker’ claims he gained control over an aircraft, by simply swapping seats in the cabin.
Barry Whale works as an IT consultant in a phone shop in Dunstable: his expertise is ‘hacking’ SIM cards so they can fit in an iPhone.
“It’s a job that involves moving from the front desk to the ‘customer service cabin’, so I know a fair bit about moving between seats”, said Whale.
When the tech geek got up to use the rear lavatory, he noticed that the plane noticeably pitched up.
Filed under News, Technology
British Wind for British People
There is concern among Harold residents that the recent decline in European wind prices may force the village’s last remaining wind farm to cease production.
Wind products have been a major source of income for the village with exports in excess of five million cubic metres being shipped to Scotland each year alone. Continue reading