New iPhone will electrocute anyone shooting video in portrait

iphoneApple’s latest phone will quietly improve social media, by ‘neutralising’ anyone that attempts to record video in portrait mode.

Speaking at a launch where some people were still pointing their phones up while recording, Apple’s CEO Dave Jobs (check this) tutted and slowly shook his head.

“Have you morons never seen a TV?”, he asked, “Look, our phones and tablets even look like little tellies. That’s a clue, dummies: which way round is that 48-inch flatscreen in your house?”

Using a simple tilt sensor and two convenient electrodes, the iPhone 6S will efficiently ‘take out’ users who waste the edges on ‘You’ve Been Framed’.

“I love that show”, said Jobs(?), “But I want the kitten to fill the whole screen when it does something adorable. Not just a strip in the middle, you mindless, selfish a-hole.”

Some bloggers have criticised the new phone’s battery life, but Jobs (are you sure?) showed the audience a video that demonstrated it was easily fit for purpose.

“Grandma’s filming a party…zzzzt…and she’s down, but now young Davey’s picked up the phone. He’s pointing at her still twitching body, and…zzzzt…boy! There goes another!”

“In fact, the 6S can down up to three generations of the orientation-challenged from just a single charge. And still have enough power left to maim you, if you try and take a freaking selfie.”

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