Category Archives: Showbusiness

Trump to be given toy nuclear button to play with

“You’re fired!”

Donald Trump is to be given a special “training” red button when he takes office in the White House, insiders revealed today.

 

A spokesman revealed that there were fears that the incoming President might not fully realise the seriousness of the nuclear launch system, and therefore plans have been put in place to give him a toy red button to play with until he learns that pressing it is a bad thing.

“He’s been demanding a red button all day, saying he’s in charge now and we can’t stop him,’ admitted one insider. “So we’ve started him off with a nice bright plastic one with a teddy bear head on the top.”

“He’s been hammering the crap out of that button all day, shouting ‘You’re fired!’ over and over and over…”

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Filed under bombs, Showbusiness, US Elections

Nation braced for being told how to vote by actors

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Two people who live on a planet so different from ours they might as well be aliens

As the referendum campaigns enter their final frothing madness stage the UK is braced for a barrage of instruction from some of the most over-praised and overpaid people in the country. The list is long however the Evening Harold managed to catch up with two of the nation’s leading and most talkative thesps who spake unto us from their bubble of privilege.

Benedict Cumberbatch who last year in the West End nightly treated fans to a very long and ill-informed speech on Syria with a quick couple of scenes from Hamlet thrown in at the beginning said that actors should tell people what to do because “we’re just better than you”. Continue reading

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Filed under referendum, Showbusiness

Public now nostalgic for when the news, social media was all celebrity deaths

Public would now accept the death of three national treasures to escape referendum debate on Facebook

Public would now accept the death of three national treasures to escape referendum debate on Facebook

The dreadful sequence of deaths of much-loved musicians, comedians and actors that saw in the year now looks like a golden age of feel-good news against the nightly horror show the public suffer now, says everyone.

As sad as it was to lose Bowie, Rickman, Wogan and Wood, there was a sense of gladness for having known them and their work which is completely absent from the current onslaught of unadulterated misery.

And as a bewildering bonfire of hatred and rage threatens to engulf their Facebook timelines, people are longing for a return to the simple times when all they had to do was tweet about how sad they are that a singer has died.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, breaking news, Entertainment, EU referendum, Europe, Facebook, Law and Order, News, Nostalgia, Obituary, Showbusiness, Social media, Society, USA

Guitar George dies of old age

Coming up for auction - old, left-handed guitar. Proceeds to hospice funds.

Coming up for auction – old, left-handed guitar. Proceeds to hospice funds.

As if the deaths of Bowie, Prince and Frank Sinatra Jnr weren’t enough, now Sultans of Swing rhythm guitarist George has checked out.  He was 100 years old and had a reputation for his comprehensive knowledge of guitar chords, or tabs as they are known today.

Shortly before he died, he asked that he be given a quiet funeral.  “I do not want to make anybody cry or sing,” he said; “it’s strictly rhythm, so if you must clap, please do so in 6/8 time with occasional syncopated emphasis on the offbeat.”

The care home staff were consoled that that he died doing what he loved, with his heart-rate monitor displaying a steady beat right up to the moment of death. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, Entertainment, Showbusiness

Jeremy Clarkson involved in celebrity onesome?

jeremy-clarkson-1200-1024x683After solving the celebrity threesome case, the internet has outed Jeremy Clarkson for conducting a one-in-the-bed romp.

Speculation the presenter was involved in a steamy celebrity onesome intensified as Clarkson’s infatuation with himself become increasingly obvious. What started as knowing looks in the mirror and flirty notes to himself about his “top gear” quickly escalated into a full-blown self love affair that Clarkson openly conducted in front of viewers around the globe.
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Elton John recording an album of Barbra Streisand covers

Elton-JohnPublicity-shy singer Elton John is to release an album of Barbra Streisand songs, entitled The Streisand Effect, it was revealed today.

Unusually for a major artist’s release, the album will be launched with no advertising whatever, on a date that is being kept a secret, and only sold in a handful of boutique ironmongers.

The album is not actually being released in England, although it will be freely available in Scotland and everywhere else.

“We realise that this low-key approach to publicity might mean that not all fans get to appreciate Elton’s latest offering,” admitted an anonymous spokesperson, “But sometimes big stars prefer to stay out of the limelight.”

“Not that there’s anything to hide. Why would there be anything to hide?”

“In fact, you’re not allowed to say that there’s nothing to hide. Enjoy the album though!”

“Not that there’s an album. We deny that completely.”

“We’re a perfectly happily married couple, and would have no need to release an album.”

“Ooh, what a give away.”

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Filed under breaking news, Families, Sex, Showbusiness

Sad irony as DiCaprio eaten by bear

Exit stage left...

Exit stage left…

In what is already being called one of the biggest shocks of this year’s Oscars, actor Leonardo DiCaprio, fresh from finally winning ‘best actor’, has been tragically eaten by a bear as he returned home.

It is a cruel irony that DiCaprio should meet this fate immediately after ending his long wait for the award, especially as bear attacks are so rare in modern Los Angeles. It is possible that the actor might have disregarded recent police reminders not to step on the cracks in the pavement.

Some critics have pointed out that it is actually pretty amusing that this should happen after the beary subject matter of his recent movie, while others have merely suggested that the hungry bear was a film lover.

“It wasn’t even the one from the movie,” lamented DiCaprio’s manager. “That I could understand, but this was just some bear, you know?”

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Filed under Movies, Nature, Showbusiness

BBC ‘could not have foreseen Child Catcher would catch children’

the-child-catcher

Now then young man you see oh fuck it I’m a disgusting paedophile

An independent report into the infamous Child Catcher has concluded that there was no possible way that anyone could have realised that a man with a huge net and bag of sweeties was trying to catch children.

Following years of complaints that local children had been caught and disposed of, the Vulgarian Television Corporation finally announced an inquiry into the seedy doings of one of the country’s most-loved blatant nonces.

“We were as amazed as anyone that this leering, salivating figure with the huge child-shaped net and the dildo cigar could be in any way a danger to children,” explained  Rona Bomburst, the Chairperson of the Vulgarian Television Trust.

“Despite the fact that the Kingdom of Vulgaria has been mysteriously bereft of children for at least fifty years, it never occurred to us that anything was a problem.”

The Vulgarian Television Corporation has pledged to establish a robust series of checks to prevent this sort of thing from ever happening again, and to prove its seriousness has appointed a new audit function headed up by none other than celebrated popular artist Rolf Harris.

“Can you tell what it is yet?” Asked a spokesman. “It’s a fucking whitewash, that’s what it is.”

 

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Filed under News, Showbusiness

Twitter quits Stephen Fry

stephen fry twitter

“Where’s it gone?”

Following recent controversies, tech giant Twitter has announced it is leaving Stephen Fry with immediate effect.

This is not the first time that Twitter has left Fry, but media observers believe this time may be no idle threat.

“Stephen Fry used be exciting,” said a spokeperson for the company. “But lately he’s just not fun any more. Too full of abuse and bad jokes.”
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UK despairs: X Factor will last “until 2017 and beyond”

x-factor-logo

“It will only seem like an eternity”

Ending speculation that it might be rested, ITV has delivered the crushing news that X Factor will continue until hell freezes over.

An ITV spokesman dismissed this as pure speculation and confirmed that the contract actually runs to 2017, “so it will only seem like an eternity”.

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Filed under Entertainment, music, News, Showbusiness, TV

Earth is 2 dimensional, insists one dimensional pop star.

bob-rapper

B.o.B contemplating serious things.

Hippety hoppity rap singer and renowned expert in cartography and basic astrophysics, B.o.B has amused and amazed his fans on social media recently by declaring his belief that the world is flat. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, Entertainment, idiots, Media, music, News, science, Showbusiness, Social media, Space

Asylum seekers forced to wear ‘It’s a Knockout’ costumes

Daily struggle to fit in

Asylum seekers in Cardiff face humiliation by being forced to wear distinctive costumes from the old TV series It’s a Knockout, it emerged today.

In order to qualify for food and housing, the refugees must dress up as grotesque ogres, bloated Tweedledums or even monstrously inflated parrots, according to complaints made to journalists.

One asylum seeker explained the unpleasant conditions his family faced: “In order to qualify for food, I had to dress up in a ridiculous French waiter costume with a massively over-sized head, and negotiate a slippery obstacle course while being sprayed with water.”

“Hardly any of the locals had giant heads, so everyone could tell straight away I was a refugee. To make it worse, I kept slipping over on the giant turntable when they sprayed water on me, and there was a guy with a microphone laughing his head off and shouting ‘HERE COME THE SYRIANS!'” Continue reading

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Filed under Politics, Showbusiness

Trump ‘will ban Native Americans from entering USA’

image

Next, they came for the horses…

In his most embarrassing proclamation yet, celebrity simpleton Donald Trump has announced that if he becomes President, all Native Americans will be immediately barred from entering the USA.

Coming hot on the heels of his other statement about banning all Muslims, Trump now seems to have lost his last tenuous grip on reality.

“If these so-called ‘indians’ or whatever they call themselves try to enter our great country, we will send them back to where they came from immediately,” spluttered the furry one, “Wherever that is.”

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Filed under idiots, International News, Showbusiness

Trump burns down orphanage, is still popular

trumpdisability

I’m gonna BURN!

Donald Trump has shrugged off a recent incident where he was caught on camera burning down an orphanage, and remains the front-runner in polls of a public who have clearly given up all pretence of even caring.

In the widely-circulated video, Trump is seen pouring cans of gasoline into the open windows of the orphanage, before throwing in a lighted rag and running off, laughing maniacally.

When challenged, Trump accused the orphanage of “grandstanding”, and pointed out that he couldn’t even remember its name, so had clearly not intended to burn down anything. Continue reading

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Joy as beloved dead bear’s head goes on display.

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Pooh – what’s that smell?

As staff at London’s Hunterian museum prepare to exhibit the skull of the original Pooh bear, other museums have begun trawling through their store rooms for similar grisly treasures.

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Filed under Badgers, Children, Culture, Education, Media, News, Showbusiness, skeleton, Society, TV

Fury as unsolicited Charlie Sheen compensation calls replace PPI nuisance

Aaaaaagh!

Aaaaaagh!

After years of being inundated by unsolicited calls providing PPI miss-selling compensation opportunities, the world is bracing itself for a deluge of calls from opportunistic law firms offering potential riches if you are one of the lucky millions to have been bedded by Charlie Sheen.

Only a day after the actor comedian admitted his positive HIV status, the calls have started. Harold resident Nigel Thorvald grumpily answered his phone at five o’clock this morning only to hear the following pre-recorded message:

“Have you been shagged at any time by Charlie Sheen? If so, we believe you may be entitled to compensation. Please dial 967 to be put in touch with a fully trained advisor with an accent you can’t understand.” Continue reading

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BBC to remake the classic 1979 Election Special.

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The atmosphere was electric. Probably all the nylon.

Following the successful remake of 1970’s classics such as The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin, Poldark and a militant left wing Labour Party, the BBC has announced that it is to reboot the 1979 BBC Election special as a 10 part serial. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, Entertainment, Lifestyle, News, Nostalgia, Politics, Showbusiness

No trust left after BBC’s ‘Fake or Fortune’ revealed as a fake

Fake or Fortune.

Bremner, Bird and Fortune

The nation’s sense of trust in the BBC has reached an all-time low, following the revelation that its flagship art valuation program Fake or Fortune is itself a complete fake.

The program features a gullible member of the public who has bought a work of art by a famous artist at a massive discount because the work has not yet been authenticated. It’s Fiona Bruce’s job to trace the work’s history across Europe and establish the all-important provenance. The gullible owner is excited by the prospect of a genuine work worth millions, but ends the program in tears, when an expert points out that Chagall never signed his name with an S.

An investigation by the Broadcasting Standards Authority, however, found that the program was made up and none of the characters were real. The findings were that the program was filmed entirely in a studio in Manchester and shots of Fiona Bruce outside the Louvre in Paris were created by back projection, using a look-alike actress, with her voice dubbed on afterwards by Russell Crowe. And the works of art were all stage props, made in the BBC’s workshops.

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Filed under Art, Entertainment, Media, science, Showbusiness, TV

Cumberbatch’s Hamlet first night: Player ratings

the danish game

It was a play of two halves.

For those of you unable to make the long awaited opening night performance and unable to view it on You Tube thanks to a rather unreasonable ban on mobile filming, our Arts Correspondent Mariella Buss-Stop puts down her pint and casts her eyes over the cast’s performance at Elsinore last night.

From their hissed greeting at the appearance of old King Hamlet’s ghost to the mass weeping hysteria when the great one dies, the pubescent Cumberbitches’ in the audience made their presence felt last night at the Barbican. It could take days to mop up.

Here are my ratings for the players:            Continue reading

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Stephen Fry, Robert Mugabe and The Queen among this year’s Strictly Come Dancing line up.

LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM - FEBRUARY 17:  Queen Elizabeth II meets Steven Fry during the Dramatic Arts reception at Buckingham Palace on February 17, 2014 in London, England. (Photo by David Crump - WPA Pool/Getty Images)

The Queen of England and Elizabeth Windsor

The BBC has announced the first contestants for this year’s series of Strictly Come Dancing.

Among the notable celebrities are some big name attractions including Robert Mugabe, Josef Fritzl, The Blessed Virgin Mary, new Taliban leader Mullah Akhtar Mansoor  and Les Dennis along with some more controversial choices including Jeremy Vine, a woman off Eastenders and troubled tv chef, Ainsley Harriott. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, Christmas, Crime, Entertainment, idiots, Royals, Showbusiness, TV