Category Archives: Sex

Windows 10 to come with free hand job

windows10

At last!

Microsoft has announced that its new Windows 10 operating system will come with a free hand job for every user, in an attempt to increase popular uptake.

Windows 8, which suffered from a confusing touch-screen interface and no hand job, has only reached a 10% market share, leaving Microsoft shareholders disappointed and consumers squirming in agonies of sexual frustration.

Analysts are predicting that the new version of Windows could take off in a big way, reversing a decline going back to the catastrophic decision to package every copy of Windows Vista with a free kick in the goolies.

“Microsoft has listened to what its customers want,” explained industry expert and keen self-abuser Florian Munter. “What they want is a familiar interface, with solid performance. And a hand job.” Continue reading

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Shamed taxi driver admits talking to David Mellor

DavidMellor

“See? Everyone likes me.”

London cabbie Brian Knowledge has spoken of his “shame” after being secretly recorded having a conversation with despised former Conservative cabinet minister David Mellor.

Mellor made the recording secretly and passed it to The Sun in an attempt to prove that there are still people alive prepared to talk to him.

In the recording the taxi driver can be heard asking Mr Mellor whether “he is doing anything nice for Christmas this year,” and sharing a joke at the expense of Arsenal Football Club.

Mellor told The Sun: “This man and I had a perfectly friendly chat, and he didn’t once laugh at me or call me an arsehole. They said it couldn’t be done.”

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Swan shortage blamed on swan porn

swan

Anyone fancy a duck?

A sharp decline in the number of cygnets born in Harold has been blamed on the pornification of swans.

With hardcore swan-on-swan action now widespread on the internet, many younger cobs are no longer satisfied with straight reproductive sex.

Wildlife expert Winston Harris made this claim as his computer was seized by police, a computer he insists is full of research for a book.

“Adolescent boy swans just see young pens as sex objects, something to hiss at for their own gratification”, said Harris. “And it’s not surprising, given that massive waterfowl are as sexy as hell. You should see the one in 50 Shades of Greylag.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Nature, Sex

Scandal! Brits sink to new low as 88-year-old woman performs launch on aircraft carrier in front of cheering crowd

queen-bj

Unacceptable face of Brits abroad

Alcohol-fuelled British antics have reached a new low after an elderly monarch shocked the nation by publicly performing the whisky-assisted naming of an aircraft carrier, merely to earn a tax-free Sovereign Grant of £36.1 million.

The woman, who has not yet been named, is believed to be an 88-year-old Queen from Britain.

Video of the sordid two-minute “launching” in the Scottish resort of Rosyth has sparked outrage on the internet and among politicians.

Wearing pale blue, the monarch moved from one local dignitary to the next to the cheers of revellers, before tossing a litre of Scotch expertly onto the prow of a boat.

One of the men involved said everyone in the celebration was “delighted”. The reveller, named only as Philip, 93, said: “It was a ceremony that got completely out of hand. The woman was being encouraged to shake hands more and more, and was told it would be a great honour if she would take part. I feel sorry for her, she must feel awful this morning.”

“May God bless her and all who sail in her,” he added.

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Cameron nanny nude photo scandal – widespread panic pics of Fat Dave will follow

Dear God please keep those shorts on

Dear God please keep those shorts on

After nude pictures of David Cameron’s nanny were uploaded to a porn site, fears are growing naked photos of the PM will soon follow. Amid widespread panic, people are taking drastic steps to protect themselves with many gouging their own eyes out rather than risk seeing Fat Dave in the buff.
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Man correctly interprets wife’s silence and provides appropriate emotional response

Brian-the-PostmanIn what is already being hailed one of the greatest ever relationship feats, Harold postman Brian Green correctly interpreted his wife’s silence and provided the appropriate emotional response.

The extraordinary feat was achieved on a day when both spouses had busy days at work and Rachel Green cooked steak and chips for dinner. Mrs Green’s mind must have been elsewhere as the steak was overdone and the chips were a little soggy, a departure from her usually high standards that Mr Green wisely didn’t pass comment on.

Very unusually Mrs Green remained completely silent throughout dinner (she usually comments on the accelerating decline of television) and she gave off no ‘looks’ and uttered no ‘sighs’ – for all intents and purposes there were no ‘cues’ whatsoever.
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Promised foreplay ‘failed to arrive’ say WI members

grey wool

Mostly grey and  a bit scruffy? Then four-ply is more likely than foreplay

Yet another problem for Harold WI it seems, following last year’s celebrated mix-up over ‘dog walking’ and ‘dogging’.

“We’d rather hoped those admin problems were behind us,” said WI Chairwoman Jane Fondant “although we did have a welcome surge in membership after ‘The Great 2013 Cock Up.”

Sadly there was fresh disappointment on Monday evening. Locals and visiting members from as far away as Leighton Buzzard gathered in a packed Village Hall, to hear Daphne Rogers’ illustrated lecture on Imaginative ideas for Foreplay.

“Daphne rummaged in her bag then, instead of lavender massage oil and chocolate sauce, hauled out two skeins of wool and a set of knitting needles.” says Fondant “It soon became only too clear she was determined to teach us all about four-ply knitting.”

After last year’s confusion Harold WI had been forced to remind villagers that husbands are allowed only at Invitation Events. “If there was any encouragement to take from Monday evening, it’s that no men turned up, so they’d clearly listened. Or more interested in dogging than foreplay ? No, that’s not very likely”.

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Saying ‘some of my best friends are black / gay’ becomes easier with launch of ‘Token Friends’ website

"I'm not racist - some of my best friends are darkies"

“I’m no racist – some of my best friends are darkies” explained Gavin

A controversial new ‘Token Friends’ website has been launched to enable people to obtain a black or gay ‘friend’ and therefore be immune to any criticism that their racist or homophobic views are indeed racist or homophobic.

Token Friends founder Jenny May of Harold explained the website’s appeal:

“The sort of people who traditionally relied on the ‘some of my best friends are black / gay’ line to explain away their seemingly racist or homophobic rants now no longer have any black or gay friends left for some reason. Our website allows them to obtain that invaluable friend so they can continue explaining their ‘point of view’ down at the pub and in the online comments section of the Daily Mail.”
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Panda ‘pregnant’ after Tian Tian replaced by randy spaniel

panda dog (2)

New pandas ‘up to 90% more randier’.

Edinburgh zoo is celebrating their first panda pregnancy, after doctors substituted the female with a spaniel in heat.

Tian Tian had initially appeared reluctant to mate with the male panda, Yang Guang. But by pioneering a technique that saw the female bear trapped under a bucket and replaced with a smallish three year-old dog, experts hoped to dramatically increase the chances of conception.

Expert Brian Sweeney explained that it hadn’t all been plain sailing.
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Local school regrets sending children home with ‘Clandestine Affair Bear’

teddy1

Could you love a little bear? No, not like that

St Mary’s Primary School’s ‘Billy the Bear’ will no longer be taken home each weekend by one of the children. Following some unusually candid electronic diary entries by the popular cuddly toy, Harold Headteacher Alison Lee has reluctantly put the cuffs on little Billy until further notice.

“We’re a broad church here at St Mary’s but we’ve grounded Billy until he gets some intensive remedial education. We are also worried about a possible identity crisis, because he always logs in as ‘Janice’. Ms Lee highlighted several recent ‘Billy’s Diary’ entries that caused concern, including:

‘Siobhan’s mum is a liar. I went in a helicopter did I? Bollocks. She put me in the recycling bin twice and then vomited on my fur. I’d report her to social services, but they never take bears seriously. Especially toy ones.’ Continue reading

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Doctors who made lab-grown vagina ‘haven’t been home for three months’

A team of doctors in the USA who have successfully grown the first artificial vagina have been working so hard that none of them has left their laboratory for the last three months, it was revealed today.

artificial

And so portable!

Doctors at Wake Forest Baptist Medical Centre in North Carolina used pioneering technology to build a biodegradable scaffold onto which human cells attached before being grown in a bioreactor, producing a perfect replica of the human vagina.

The pioneering team in charge of this exciting work finally emerged from their laboratory complex this morning, pale and haggard from lack of sleep, some bent double almost unable to walk, such has been their dedication to this important work. Continue reading

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Michael Gove releases sex tape to attract inward investment

Following his bizarre leaked claim that young entrepreneurs are attracted to London for “hot sex”, Michael Gove has now announced the release of the “Hot Gove Sex Tape”, featuring the education secretary vigorously shafting the UK teaching  system.

Michael Gove

“I’m enormous!”

It is hardly a surprise to see Mr Gove fucking up the nation’s schools, but horrified internet viewers were today seeking emergency counselling after glimpsing the fuzzy vision him pounding away at state schools, forcing his dogma onto them by the back door, and leaving education in the UK literally buggered.

“Sex sells,” claimed Gove in a breathless interview with Razzle magazine this morning, “And I’m the man to get those investors pumping liquidity into our system. My profile is enormous.”

It has long been a truism that “If it exists, there is porn of it”, but no-one ever thought this would extend to Gove. Even hard-core serial porn addicts who think nothing of, say, sex with badgers, have resorting to stabbing their own eyes out with forks, and the opt-in rate for the new Internet Pornography Filter has skyrocketed.

“We’re not surprised that Mr Gove would see himself as such as expert on sex,” insisted a Downing Street spokesman. “After all, he’s an attractive, rugged, glistening… excuse me a moment.” The press conference was then interrupted while a bucket was being sought.

Many commentators are seeing Gove’s leap into the erotic as a blatant publicity stunt in preparation for a future bid to lead the Conservative party. Furious at being for once overshadowed, London Mayor Boris Johnson’s immediate response was to launch a premium-rate phone line where, for huge charges, the worst kind of twisted pervert can hear him explain his vision for London.

When asked for the teaching profession’s view of Gove’s sex tape, National Union of Teachers Secretary Kevin Courtney issued a brief statement, saying simply: “What a massive prick.”

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Filed under Badgers, Education, Sex

Rare goat-sheep-donkey-boy born on local farm

DNA pool getting a bit murky.

DNA pool getting a bit murky.

A rare hybrid being that is part goat, part sheep, part donkey and part human boy child has been born on a farm on the outskirts of Harold Village.

The animal, referred to as a gooney boy, was born about two weeks ago on local farmer Lionel Garage’s farm.

The unexpected arrival is thought to be the result of mating between a goat, a sheep, a donkey and one of the potato-pickers.

Mr Garage said the cross-breeding was not intentional.  “It was a pure shock to the system,” he said, “definitely a one-off.”

“I’ve never seen anything like him before,” he told the Evening Harold, “and I come from a long line of sheep-shaggers.”

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Filed under Around Harold, Dating, DNA, Farming, Lifestyle, Nature, Pets, Sex

Toxic pollution warning ahead of tonight’s debate

man in fog

Clegg is ‘almost certain’ his voter is still out there

Environment department Defra has said ‘very high’ levels of pollution, not seen in the UK since the evening of 26th March, would spread inexorably over the whole country today, from an epicentre near to the BBC’s Television Centre, shortly after 1900 hours BST.

“Those with blood pressure or heart disease or of a nervous disposition are urged to avoid watching any TV from 7 o’clock this evening.” said a Defra spokesperson. “BBC2 viewers will be most at risk but the damage will certainly spread onto news and current affairs programmes across all networks. Make it 6.30 to be on the safe side.” Continue reading

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Mark Menzies: My Week in Westminster

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Here at the Evening Harold, like a Tory MP we have our fingers in many places. That’s why we can bring you this extract from Conservative MP and former PPS Mark Menzies’ blog: ‘My week in Westminster’

Well, it has certainly been  busy in Parliament this week.

Firstly during Prime Minister’s Question Time I urged the Prime Minister to continue to support Typhoon exports to secure the future of BAE Systems’ Warton site, while also reminding him of the quality of the company’s Fylde-based apprentices. Then I popped out to meet with Rogerio Santos. Young Roger entered the UK lawfully and so, as an elected representative of the UK, I decided to repay the compliment.

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New £1 coin is 50 metre wide concrete egg to combat counterfeiting

Excited crowds gather as the first concrete egg coin nears completion

Excited crowds gather as the first concrete egg coin nears completion

A new £1 coin, designed to be the “most secure in the world”, is set to be introduced in 2017.

To combat concerns about the current pound coin’s vulnerability to counterfeiting, The Royal Mint has decided on a controversial new design – the coin will now be a fifty-metre wide concrete egg, which experts say will be almost impossible to copy, even if you wanted to.

The new coin will be made in grey and will incorporate state-of-the-art authentication technology and roughly £800 worth of concrete, at a stroke making counterfeiting non-viable.

In a nod to tradition, the coin’s unusual shape is said to be based on Queen Victoria’s threepenny bits, which were famously large enough to need a pair of courtiers to carry them around.

Such radical changes to symbolic items always cause complaints, and concerns have been raised by consumer groups about the ridiculously massive size of the coins. A government source countered this, saying: “We realise this will cause some inconvenience to shoppers, but expect the public to broadly support the move. The fitness benefits alone will be enormous.”

“This could also solve the housing crisis as you could use the coin egg as a sturdy thing around which to construct a rudimentary shelter.”

However, well-meaning liberals should realise that the housing problem is no simple matter, after eight Big Issue sellers were crushed to death during trials of the new coin in Romford.

A competition will be held to decide the image on one side of the coin, with Eric Pickles already the front-runner, providing they can fit him in.

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Legal pre-nuptial agreements come too late for Nick Clegg

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Nick Clegg has welcomed calls for pre-nuptial agreements to become enforceable by courts. He believes that had such a guarantee been in place when he got in bed with David Cameron in 2010, then the impending divorce between them would have been a lot less messy than it is going to be.

“We already have our wedding vows, or as some call it the coalition agreement,” he explained, “but that only deals with how we treat each other while we’re together. I must love and obey, in sickness and in health, even when raising tuition fees.

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Uganda now anti-gay enough to hold Winter Olympics, say IOC

uganda_anti-gayAfter a busy few days where Uganda’s President signed new laws making homosexuality punishable by life in prison, and Ugandan tabloid Red Pepper published a list of 200 alleged gays, the IOC announced that Uganda is now the front-runner to host the 2022 Winter Olympics.

IOC President Thomas Bach said that the Sochi Winter Olympics was a very passable festival of homophobia without quite living up to Vladimir Putin’s hype. The 2018 games in Pyeongchang would likely also be successful given South Korea’s track record of discrimination against gays. But the 2022 Ugandan Winter Olympics promises to be an unprecedented orgy of homosexual intolerance.
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“That’s enough experiments to show kids how fast a photo can go round the Internet, now,” says Internet.

Teachers now resorting to extreme methods to show kids how dangerous internet is

Teachers now resorting to extreme methods to show kids how dangerous internet is

The Internet’s patience wore dangerously thin last night as yet another picture of an American 9th grade teacher holding up a sign was wearily shared on social media.

The exercise, supposed to warn teens of the potential risks of posting information and images online, has quickly become a tedious cliché and the Internet warned yesterday that we are close to the snapping point of its benevolence towards well-meaning junior high school teachers.

“OK, the first couple of times it was a fresh way to engage kids, and we all wanted to help them out – I’m sure the share and like numbers were very impressive,” commented a visibly annoyed Internet, “but I swear to god if I see one more of these bullshit copy-cat requests, I’m going to write a bunch of sarcastic comments or do a parody meme with cats. I haven’t thought it through yet, but it will be pithy and cynical,” the Internet added.

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Man blames ‘faulty’ service station flowers for Valentine’s Day sex failure

flowersA 57 year old Harold man has gone to social media to highlight how his Valentine’s Day was ruined because of faulty flowers and chocolates purchased from the local Shell Station.

Local councillor Ron Ronsson says the flowers and chocolates seemed ok when he purchased them on the way home from the pub at 11pm on Valentine’s Day. But they deteriorated so badly on the 15 minute walk home that by the time he handed them to his wife, she threw them straight back in his face.
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