Mrs May told parliament today she is perfectly within her rights to take a dump on Jeremy Corbyn’s head in the interests of protecting the nation.
“I have a much better speaking voice than the Leader of the Opposition,” she told the Commons, “and I’m far more mature than him, even though he’s a bit older than me. Not only that, but I’m Prime Minister, which he is not, so I can do what I like, including doing a poo-poo on his head if I choose.” Continue reading
One of the posher hermits from the Oxford area. He also owns a holiday cave in Cornwall.
The inner peace of live-alone enthusiasts was shattered last night when their AGM was infiltrated by a quiet gang of introverts, intent on spreading apprehension and a general sense of unease.
“It was difficult enough getting the invitations out to the many caves and iron-age huts scattered throughout the land without post codes,” said Lionel Garage, who hosted the event in a barn on his farm.
“Trying to persuade hermits to come out of their shells for a knees-up once a year is a nightmare in itself, but when the event gets gate-crashed by other groups of a-social beings, you’ve got an impotent mix of self-examination in a non-interactive community. It was almost a metaphor for the Brexit negotiations.”
Mrs May negotiating a chip.
The Conservative Party has started its campaign of checking the quality of chips in every town in the country.
“I have been absolutely clear right from the start that the foundation of a strong economy is a good plate of chips,” she told the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg.
“Historically, we’ve always been a nation built on potatoes and we welcome the diversity of modern potato products, like crisps and waffles, along with the more traditional formats, such as roast potatoes and, of course, chips. Not to mention jacket potatoes, which provide not only carbohydrates but also clothing for poor people.” Continue reading
Tale as old as time…but she’s no Emma Watson
The UK Home Office has announced a £2.5 million public information campaign, aimed at raising awareness of bestiality laws, and reminding people that sex with animals is illegal.
High profile cases like that of Carol Bowditch, the Lincolnshire pensioner who was filmed having sex with several dogs at a bestiality party, unaware that she had done anything wrong, show that work needs to be done to ensure that others don’t unwittingly fall foul of the law by going too far with their pets, a Home Office spokesman explained.
Revellers flock to new venue
The Glastonbury festival will henceforth be changing location every year in an attempt to prevent Coldplay from finding it, it has been announced.
The music festival has been running successfully since 1970 but has been plagued in recent times by a reoccurring outbreak of Coldplay, causing stress and discomfort for many attendees.
Coldplay first performed at Glastonbury in 1927, and have headlined the main stage every year since then, apart from a gap for the last war, when they played the acoustic tent.
“I’m a tolerant man,” insisted founder Michael Eavis, “But I’ve finally had enough.”
“We’ve made it too easy for them to find us, staying in the same place over the years. In 1972 we tried to confuse them by hiding the stage behind a plant pot, but by the Sunday they’d found it.”
“Next year we’re putting the entire festival under a hedge in Wales, and I’ll be buggered if I’m telling them where.”
Filed under Farming, music
Impressive attention to detail
EastEnders fans were in shock today after a controversial storyline involving arable farming and animal husbandry came to a shattering conclusion involving dairy cattle and chemical fertilisers.
Viewers have watched in recent weeks enthralled by the programme’s gradual spiral into the world of agriculture, but few predicted how deep into a realistic depiction of farming practices the series would go.
Sunday night’s omnibus edition featured what is believed to be the first examination of bovine artificial insemination ever seen on the programme, and raised more than £80,000 for the harvest festival.
Some viewers were less enthusiastic about the new direction, however.
“If I’d wanted to learn about bloody crop rotation I’d have put on the Archers,” insisted Evening Harold media correspondent Piers Waghorn. “Drugs, violence, sex – that’s what we want, not sodding bull semen. I can get that at home.”
The sight that met Lucy when she returned home
Harold’s well-known organic farmer, Ted Evans regrets locking up his stable last Friday , after his horse was startled by an oddly-shaped carrot and galloped off, in what seemed to be a bid for free-range status.
“It were wicked cold on Friday night, well below minus 10 in fact.” says Evans “When I let the dogs out the next morning, I found old Lucy frozen solid to the concrete, just inches away from her heated stall. I could even see faint hoofy scratch marks on the stable door and her little nose was still stuck to the handle.” Continue reading
“You certainly have a visually appealing mouth.”
Burt Reynolds fans have complained that a ‘Deliverance’ remake will be ‘too dark’ if it moves from the Cahulawassee River to the Thames.
“I loved the original”, said Harold’s Phil Evans. “But in the new one, the bit where the two dead pigs land their canoe on the banks of Westminster makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.”
“Sure, it’s an isolated community, and you’d expect them to get up to some weird stuff. But in reality, would the inbreds really go that far?”
Cameron in happier times, poised to spring
After shocking revelations of bestiality again swept the government, David Cameron has insisted that the incident when he put his penis into the mouth of a dead pig was merely part of an explanation of his future plans for the UK.
The porcine molestation, which occurred at a dining club at Oxford University, has been seen by many as further proof that the Prime Minister is the sort of slimy lowlife who would literally fuck a pig, but a government spokesperson insisted the incident has been taken “out of context”.
“When the future PM inserted his ‘private organ’ into a dead pig’s mouth, he was only trying to demonstrate visually the beneficial effect of Conservative policies on the country,” the spokesperson explained. Continue reading
Anus face (artist’s impression)
Following the mysterious appearance of Donald Trump’s image in a tub of butter, Republican campaigners were celebrating today after the face of the Presidential hopeful was miraculously seen to appear in the anus of “Ronald”, a Gloucestershire Old Spot from a farm near Stroud,
“This is a sign,” enthused one Trump supporter. “To gaze deeply into a pig’s backside and see the face of Donald – that doesn’t just happen. It means something.”
Following the good news, there was an immediate spate of copycat sightings, as pig owners the world over realised that their pigs’ anuses also bore a striking resemblance to the great man. Continue reading
Cecilia was a ‘one off’, although her sister was a chicken bucket.
A dental hygienist has caused international outrage after eating a much-loved factory chicken called Cecilia.
Cecilia had lived to the ripe-old age of 34 days, before she was cut down in her prime fillets.
Loved by everyone who had seen a picture of her on Instagram just after her death, Cecilia was brutally killed to fulfil hygienist Wesley Evan’s sick desires.
British Wind for British People
There is concern among Harold residents that the recent decline in European wind prices may force the village’s last remaining wind farm to cease production.
Wind products have been a major source of income for the village with exports in excess of five million cubic metres being shipped to Scotland each year alone. Continue reading
A Christmas dinner, yesterday.
On-trend families will present two turkeys for dinner this Christmas, according to experts at Britain’s turkey farms.
While one enormous, dry bird might have sufficed in the old days, stylish people are set to ‘gobble gobble’ this year.
“Imagine you’re sat amongst your loved ones, contentedly sweating off your traditional Christmas dinner”, said Harold farmer Dave Evans. “You’ve put away over 18 pounds of festive fowl between you.”
“Everyone is smiling and wheezing and undoing the top button on their big pants. Now picture their faces, when you whip out a second beige monster.”
Customers also unsure whether to keep them in the fridge
A Farmer in Harold is under fire after claims his free-range eggs were actually ’round things he found in a field’.
PC Flegg confirmed she’d received a number of calls from disgruntled locals, mainly from the payphone in Dunstable A&E.
“It seems that rather than selling ova from happy hens, farmer David Evans has been boxing up small rocks, clumps of soil and the occasional dog’s egg”, explained Flegg.
“Aside from the obvious questions about hygiene and trading standards, my breakast was ruined by dipping my soldiers in an old doll’s head.”
What’s for dinner?
A new breed of genetically modified chickens has been hailed a success by its developer, Harold farmer Lionel Garage.
“The new chicken type is featherless from birth,” Mr Garage told the Evening Harold, “pre-basted and also comes with the all-important leg elastic as a built-in feature.”
Farmer Garage claims the new design will result in increased profitability for chicken producers, saving them much of the cost of traditional posthumous poultry processing.
“Standard-type chickens require labour-intensive after-death attention,” he said, “and I’m frankly sick off forking out so much plucking cash. And you wouldn’t believe how long it takes to get that elastic band round its back legs.”
The competition commission has warned Tesco to stop selling it’s suppliers’ souls for less than cost price.
The warning comes as more and more small and local suppliers who have spent hundreds of years selling their wares to local independent shops sell their souls to the supermarket giant.
One local brewery explained: “We used to sell good quality beer to retailers that knew what they were on about. We put our heart and soul into it.”
“But when the big boys come looking to buy a few more bottles but without the heart bit and even the beer part being optional, who can resist.”
Mariella Buss-Stop reviews the Harold Player’s latest theatre production.
The latest production by the Harold players left an unpleasant taste in my mouth, and not just because I’m citrus intolerant.
Expecting a plodding yet faithful interpretation of Jeanette Winterson’s lesbian coming-of-age classic, I wasn’t prepared for quite such a long-winded and frankly angry diatribe on the taxonomy of vegetables.
The lead actress, made a good fist of being a lesbian, although it could be argued the dungarees were something of a tired stereotype. Smeared in mud (perhaps a metaphor for foul Pentecostal intolerance) and carrying a pig under her arm, the show opens with her silently getting her lettuce out.
Happy at last: couple can’t wait to retire to the city.
A Harold couple who grow vegetables on their organic small-holding can’t wait to sell everything and buy an ex-council house in London.
Jeanette and Ted Evans have worked tirelessly on their farm for the last 18 years, sometimes waking as early as 9.30am to tend to their radishes and spring cabbages.
Ted has dreamed for some time of giving it all up and moving to a sink estate, perhaps somewhere pebble-dashed with a shared communal area.
DNA pool getting a bit murky.
A rare hybrid being that is part goat, part sheep, part donkey and part human boy child has been born on a farm on the outskirts of Harold Village.
The animal, referred to as a gooney boy, was born about two weeks ago on local farmer Lionel Garage’s farm.
The unexpected arrival is thought to be the result of mating between a goat, a sheep, a donkey and one of the potato-pickers.
Mr Garage said the cross-breeding was not intentional. “It was a pure shock to the system,” he said, “definitely a one-off.”
“I’ve never seen anything like him before,” he told the Evening Harold, “and I come from a long line of sheep-shaggers.”
Beast of Harold (artist’s impression)
Villagers on the outskirts of Harold spoke yesterday of their fear and horror after numerous sightings of a mysterious beast were reported.
Residents spoke of hearing a continuous low growl, the sound of claws scraping over stone, a heavy chain dragging and other sinister and otherworldly noises.
Those who saw what has been called The Beast of Harold, describe it as a large, dog-like dark-furred animal, around the size of a Shetland pony and with amber eyes which blazed an iridescent green in torchlight.