Tag Archives: Spoof news

by | January 6, 2014 · 2:00 pm

New ‘Man United’ dance craze consists almost entirely of backwards steps

Everybody clap your hands. Now sliiiiiiiiiiide!

Everybody clap your hands. Now sliiiiiiiiiiide!

Gangnam Style, the Harlem Shake and Twerking have all had their day and now the latest dance craze is set to be the Manchester United dance, made up almost entirely of backwards steps.

“This is already sweeping the UK, proving especially popular in Liverpool and certain parts of Manchester with a sky blue colour theme. Given Manchester United’s global appeal I would expect it to be seen on dance floors around the world within the next few months.” said David Moyes, the man credited as being the inspiration behind the first viral dance craze of 2014. Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Secret society still not getting credit they deserve for averting apocalypse

Where's the rest of the month? Oh...

Where’s the rest of the month? Oh…

As the date of the latest apocalyptic prediction draws closer, with the Viking apocalypse Ragnorak set to occur on February 22nd, the leader of a secret society dedicated to the protection of mankind has bemoaned their continuing lack of recognition.

“People noticed that Gary Barlow and David Beckham were not knighted in the 2014 New Year Honours List, but nobody batted an eyelid at the fact that all of our members were overlooked once again, despite having prevented the end of the world numerous times.” complained a man who insisted on being referred to as ‘Grand Master’. Continue reading →

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by | December 26, 2013 · 7:00 am

UK public disappointed in attempts to return unwanted politicians

I'll take a refund but I don't want to exchange her for another one

I’ll take a refund but I don’t want to exchange her for another one

Enterprising members of the public have been left disappointed after attempting to return unwanted MPs along with unwanted Christmas presents this morning.

Many people hit on the idea of returning their local MP along with the new jumper that is several sizes too small, but stores are refusing to refund or even exchange politicians as they claim it is “not their place to do so”. Continue reading →

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by | December 20, 2013 · 11:00 am

Independent Scotland “can forget about bringing its washing home at weekends”

Our little boy is growing up and leaving home

Our little boy is growing up and leaving home

The UK has said today that they fully respect Scotland’s bid for independence, and admire their determination to stand on their own two feet, but that “they needn’t think they are going to be able to bring their washing home at weekends for me to do”.

Alex Salmond is hoping that Scotland will go with his bid for independence, swayed by the promise of being able to stay up as late as they want, not having to tidy their room if they don’t want to, and being able to bring girls home whenever they like. But there are doubts from the UK as to whether Scotland fully understands everything involved. Continue reading →

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by | December 18, 2013 · 1:00 pm

BBC implicated in Ronnie Biggs ‘apparent death’ publicity scam

Biggs - pictured shortly after his 'death'

Biggs – pictured shortly after his ‘death’

The authenticity of the news of the death of Great Train Robber, Ronnie Biggs, has been surrounded by mystery since the announcement of his demise so neatly ties in with the BBC mini-series screening of a drama about the ‘so called’ Great Train Robbery.

Having been released from prison on ‘compassionate grounds’, Biggs’ remarkable recovery from ‘death’s door’ in 2009 was bound to raise speculation that his current ‘death’ was no more than another publicity scam for one final payday from the BBC. Continue reading →

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by | December 17, 2013 · 7:00 am

Simon Cowell to overhaul X Factor format after unattractive older woman wins

It's not about singing

It’s not about singing

Simon Cowell has announced that he will drastically overhaul the format of the X Factor for 2014 to ensure that a talented, but unattractive older woman does not accidentally win the show again.

Sam Bailey, 36, was crowned the winner of the show’s tenth series on Sunday after some incredible vocal performances, but Cowell is concerned that she is not photogenic enough to sell posters and magazines to teenage girls. Continue reading →

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by | December 16, 2013 · 2:00 pm

‘But he doesn’t have a personality’ say people with no personality

More like 'no personality'! Eh? Eh? I'm right aren't I?

More like ‘no personality’! Eh? Eh? I’m right aren’t I?

With Andy Murray named as BBC Sports Personality of the Year for 2013, people incapable of thinking for themselves have been busy repeating a ‘joke’ about him not having a personality.

“It’s called Sports Personality of the Year right? Personality, right? So how can Andy Murray win when he doesn’t have a personality??!” said James Luck, an office worker from Northampton, while grinning like he’d just invented comedy. Continue reading →

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by | December 11, 2013 · 7:00 am

White House says Obama-Castro kiss with tongues was ‘not planned’

US President Obama greets Cuban President Castro at the memorial service for Nelson Mandela in Johannesburg

“Here it comes, commie swine!” “Take me, capitalist pig!”

President Barack Obama and Cuban President Raul Castro’s unexpected snog at Nelson Mandela’s memorial service was a completely spur-of-the-moment thing, the White House has said.

There had been fevered anticipation over the last few days over whether the leaders would be able to overcome their differences at the service and share a handshake, but few commentators expected the sudden mouth-on-mouth lunge of the two leaders. As world figures watched stunned, Obama and Castro mashed faces desperately for several minutes in a frenzy of tonsil-licking release.

In a statement later, the Cuban government said the gesture may show the “beginning of the end of the US capitalist aggressions”, and concluded “He may be an imperialist running dog, but hubba hubba!” Continue reading →

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by | December 7, 2013 · 2:00 pm

World’s greatest minds baffled by perfume ad

Maybe it smells of burning feathers

Maybe it smells of burning feathers

Some of the world’s brightest minds have failed in an attempt to find any meaning in a TV perfume advert, or make any kind of logical connection between the events happening on screen and the product being advertised.

The advert, for a new fragrance from Jean-Paul Gaultier called ‘J’, sees a scantily clad woman get out of bed and walk over to an open window, then turn into a bird and fly out of it before bursting into flames. The camera then pans out to reveal that that the flame is a reflection in the eye of a moody-looking man sat on a motorbike wearing a leather jacket, heavy stubble and several kilos of hair gel. Continue reading →

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by | · 10:00 am

Harry Styles releases new autobiography “What I’ve done since last Thursday”

Sorry, wrong book. It's difficult to keep up.

Sorry, wrong book. It’s difficult to keep up.

One Direction singer, Harry Styles, has today released his 23rd autobiography since finding fame on the X Factor five years ago. “What I’ve done since last Thursday” promises to be the most revealing book since his last one, which was released two weeks earlier.

“This is me, by me, in my own words. Well, somebody else’s words, I didn’t actually do the writing. But I told him stuff and I fully endorse it and will be getting most of the money from it.” confirmed Styles, “This book lets people have a real insight into my world over the last week, and reveals things like why I chose what I did for dinner on Friday.” Continue reading →

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by | December 5, 2013 · 9:55 pm

Mandela crashes out after heroic five set marathon struggle

MandelaAcknowledged as one of the all time greats, Nelson Mandela has retired after a glorious career.

Widely tipped to last the Wimbledon fortnight, it was a shock when the South African finally caved in after a marathon struggle which the entire world watched breathlessly from the edge of their seats. Continue reading →

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by | · 3:00 pm

John Lewis find “George, 42” who wrote letter apologising for breaking economy

Promised £2, delivered 2p. Typical

Promised £2, delivered 2p. Typical

Department store John Lewis has made contact with the parents of a forty two-year-old man who had written a letter of apology after he broke the UK economy.

The man, who signed his name simply as George, inexplicably sent the letter to the John Lewis store in Cambridge after he accidentally broke the economy while serving as Chancellor of the Exchequer. Continue reading →

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by | December 4, 2013 · 2:30 pm

People still mistaking Katie Hopkins’ opinions for news

The latest fuss surrounding self-promoting rent-a-gob, Katie Hopkins, suggests that many people in the media and the public in general are still under the misguided impression that her contrived, deliberately controversial opinions are somehow newsworthy.

More than 38,000 people have signed a petition to have Hopkins banned from the media in the wake of her comments about Scotland, completely missing the point that in doing so they are giving her exactly the publicity she craves. Continue reading →

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by | · 11:00 am

David Beckham set to reject knighthood as not posh enough for Victoria

The future Duke & Dutchess?

The future Duke & Duchess?

Although he is the bookies’ favourite for a top honour, David Beckham has revealed that he may reject a knighthood if it was offered to him on the grounds that his pouty wife, Victoria, feels that the “Lady” title has been devalued after being conferred upon Lady Gaga.

Speaking at the launch of ‘The Class of ‘92’, a film in which some stupidly rich footballers return to school to learn basic mathematics to enable them to count their vast millions, the best footballer ever admitted that his iconic designer wife had misgivings about becoming just plain Lady Beckham. Continue reading →

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by | December 3, 2013 · 7:00 am

Tesco “giant catapult” delivery system will rival Amazon drones

tesco flinger

Device can also be used to destroy local businesses.

Tesco have responded to Amazon’s announcement that they are looking to use unmanned drones to make deliveries by revealing their own new delivery system, a series of giant catapults.

“Amazon’s plans to use unmanned drones need so much to fall their way that this is clearly just a publicity stunt.” said Philip Clarke, CEO of Tesco plc, “They are targeting 2018 for their ‘drone deliveries’ but for that to happen not only do they need significant changes in legislation, they also need huge progress in the technology involved. The technology behind our giant catapult system has been around for centuries, and as far as I know there are no laws against launching groceries through the air.” Continue reading →

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by | November 30, 2013 · 10:00 am

Mike Riley to spend rest of life on phone apologising for refereeing decisions

See this Mike? Get used to it, because you'll be spending a lot of time together

See this Mike? Get used to it, because you’ll be spending a lot of time together

After apologising to both West Brom and Sunderland for decisions that have gone against them in recent weeks, referee’s chief Mike Riley is now resigned to spending the majority of the rest of his life on the phone apologising to people.

West Brom manager, Steve Clarke, revealed that he had received a phone call from Riley apologising for the controversial penalty that cost his side a win at Stamford Bridge recently. Next on Riley’s list was Sunderland boss, Gus Poyet, who got a call to discuss Wes Brown’s wrongful dismissal last weekend. With the current standard of refereeing, and another round of Premier League fixtures coming up, Riley has been shopping around for a new deal on his mobile contract in anticipation of spending a lot of time on the phone. Continue reading →

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by | November 29, 2013 · 7:00 am

Human civet coffee on sale for first time at Christmas Fayre

Mocha Regrets

Mocha Regrets

Harold’s annual Christmas Fayre will be held at the weekend and promises to be another exciting occasion.

The sensation of last year’s event was Mavis Bottomley’s Nettle & Blackcurrant Jelly which she later revealed had been strained through a vintage pair underpants belonging to her husband, Ted, to “obtain that unique earthy flavour”.

This year the couple have had a crack at producing their own human civet coffee. “Initially we tried enlisting the assistance of the cat, but eventually Ted threw his hat into the ring and we started production,” said Mavis.

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by | November 26, 2013 · 12:30 pm

Richard III’s bones to be shared equally by Leicester and York dog homes

R IIIThe long running legal dispute over the remains of Richard III has been resolved with his bones being shared between dog homes located in Leicester and York.

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by | November 24, 2013 · 2:00 pm

G4S ‘at least as trustworthy as me’ claims minister

grayling crossed

Grayling only lies when his fingers are crossed

G4S, ‘the serial offenders co’, has offered to repay the Ministry of Justice £24.1m, after admitting the way it charged for tagging offenders was ‘not appropriate’.

Fortunately for G4S, its internal review found this wasn’t the result of dishonesty. Rather, it had wrongly thought it could claim for tagging people who were dead or in prison. Or both.

“We had a result over Olympic staffing with only 3% of the contract performance related” said a corporate oaf. “Ripping off government is a victimless crime, it’s not like dead prisoners are moaning.”
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by | November 18, 2013 · 11:00 am

Shame of ex drug dealer filmed ‘being chairman of bank’

Rev-Paul-Flowers-2801236

Flowers, top lip seen moments after snorting enormous line

Paul ‘Ernesto’ Flowers, the former cocaine baron leader of the Medellin cartel, has apologised after a newspaper reported he had become the chairman of a high street bank.

A video on the Mail on Sunday website shows Flowers, who is also a member of Al-Qaeda, openly fronting a presentation to Co-op shareholders on probable Q4 earnings and a future strategy to reduce the fixed cost base.

He was filmed by notorious East End gangster ‘Razors’ McCoy, an acquaintance who also happened to have a minor shareholding in the bank. McCoy told the paper he exposed the banker because he was “disgusted by his hypocrisy”.
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