The North. That way, isn’t it?
David Cameron welcomed plans for HS3 this afternoon, after reading at least three pages of a report by HS2’s Sir David Higgins over luncheon.
“It’s much easier to plan than to implement,” said the PM “so I’m grateful for Sir David’s searching analysis with all its potential for shuffling that £1.7b Euro-Invoice onto page two … err … for linking up the great centres of northern unemployment … err … Continue reading
Filed under Election 2015, News, Politics, Transport
Don’t worry, they won’t be your kids, or those of your friends. Their parents probably shop in Lidl.
Chris Grayling has defended his latest blundering about in the criminal justice system, building children’s super-prisons, pointing out that they will always be for other people’s kids so nice people like you haven’t got anything to worry about.
Like Mr Graylings other initiatives, this one is soundly based on European research; his gardeners are all from Turkey and agreed the idea seemed good when it was explained to them in the greenhouse last Thursday. Continue reading
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Filed under Crime, Law and Order, News, Politics, Uncategorized
You can’t see the crossed fingers
The Conservative Party has been propelled to the top of the opinion poll charts for the first time in three years proving that their lies, or “pledges” in political speak, delivered at this week’s conference were better than those of the Labour Party.
It seems that the Tory lie of tax cuts for all was more convincing than Labour’s promise that they were reformed liars and had learnt their lesson and would never do it again, honest. Or put it another way, David Cameron’s smarm outplayed Ed Miliband’s confusion.
Miliband wasn’t helped by missing out chunks of his speech leaving him unable to put across his full package of lies. Continue reading
Brooks practices performing with a life-size microphone
Essex internet sensation Brooks Newmark has resigned, after reports that he is secretly a Tory MP were published in the Sunday Mirror.
Newmark was innocently pursuing his hobby of exchanging photographs of his genitalia, with what he believed to be a fellow todger enthusiast. Continue reading
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Filed under Lifestyle, News, Politics, Tory sex scandal
‘If you’re going to tell a lie, make it this big.’
Theresa May has welcomed the news that 10% of the electorate voted in the West Midlands Police & Crime Commissioner by-election.
“Brilliant news. This shows how happy people are with the system I made up. Otherwise they wouldn’t have stayed indoors watching Eastenders, but turned out to vote.”
Mrs May explained exactly why crime figures have been falling steadily for many years both at home and right across western Europe.
“Since 1995, crime in England and Wales has fallen by nearly 60%, which I am linking directly to my having introduced PCCs in 2012. Continue reading
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“Yes, you on the right with the big wallet. Did you have a question for me?”
David Cameron has clarified that it’s Tory supporters’ and city bankers’ families will most benefit from any future Government policies.
“I thought it best to make that clear, far enough ahead of the election for other people to forget it.”
Hundreds of thousands of households are causing a serious drain on public resources with ‘off the barometer’ dysfunctional behaviour, says Cameron.
The PM today announced a significant amendments to the Troubled Families programme, initially set up to help 120,000 seriously troubled families.
“We found money raised by hard-working taxpayers was propping up lazy, feckless idiots who were never going to vote Conservative anyway, however much we gave them. We’re now cutting out all that stuff.”
According to respected social commentator, Richard Littlejohn, Continue reading
Filed under breaking news, Election 2015, News, Politics
Can anyone else see A Big Cock?
Politicians with an eye on newspaper headlines are appalled by yet another European Court of Human Rights ruling today, that the UK breached prisoners’ rights by unlawfully refusing to give them the vote.
“I didn’t get here today by … err how did I get here?”
Applications are invited for an exciting position right at the centre of government policy making.
Not enough to do in your own life? ‘Sort of’ interested in politics?
Always wanted to boss other people about? Maybe even a whole country?
Maybe you’re a failed parliamentary candidate, wanting to cut through all that red tape of actually winning an election Continue reading
Filed under breaking news, News, Politics
The eyes have had it.
Recent mild winters have been blamed for parliament’s upper house roll-call remaining stubbornly complete.
“Unless we get a severe cold snap, it may not be easy to lever in everyone who’s bought a peerage” said worried Tory Treasurer Lord Fink “so the PM will check long-range weather forecasts before making his final decision on numbers.”
After the Fred Goodwin scandal, big-money party donors saw that knighthoods could be lost for trifling matters, such as misplacing billions of pounds, and were more willing to stump up the extra for the guaranteed security of a peerage. Continue reading
Who might be responsible? Is it you Michael? Is it?
The Secretary of State for Education told a packed House of Commons of his concerns about the arrangements for monitoring schools.
“Yes, all those agencies are culpable, obviously. But what a shame there isn’t, say, one individual in charge of our education system.” said the Education Secretary to his stunned audience.
No this isn’t Dave, but it’s a scary thought isn’t it?
A complicated fraud trial has been halted by a Judge because of cuts at the Ministry of Justice.
“To be strictly accurate, there is essentially one ‘Cut’ responsible.” said Alex Cameron QC, working free of charge on the application yesterday, “Chris Grayling, known as the ‘Unkindest Cut of all’ down at the Bailey. At least I think that’s what they call him.” Continue reading
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Filed under Crime, Law and Order, News, Politics
Not handed to me on just any old plate. It was solid silver, half an inch thick and this big
Poor qualifications may mean British youngsters losing out on jobs, fears the Prime Minister.
“My own father was good at Maths and English” he said yesterday “He could add up money and read tax law, which meant I had the qualifications to get into Eton College, after which it was onwards and upwards. If I have one question for aspirational young people, looking for opportunities today, it is this – do your parents have pots of money?” Continue reading
“You’re kidding!” Evans sees his lawyer’s invoice
Nigel Evans will not re-apply for the Conservative whip until he knows if his recent defence costs will be met by the CPS, say friends.
“Obviously, as a Tory, I’d be opposed to any increase in state funding, especially for defending alleged criminals” said the former Conservative MP.
“However, just as obviously, as a flesh and blood human being, I feel very hard-done-by and frankly, to quote my bank manager, ‘completely skint’”. Continue reading
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Filed under Law and Order, News, Politics
We did find the ‘Samaritans’ logo but we really like them and couldn’t resist the irony of: ‘Tesco, Charity & Trust’
A recent Government announcement means a big shake up for all UK charities. “As a Conservative I detest the public sector as an article of faith but I loathe ‘something for nothing’ even more.” says charities minister Nick Hurd “So we’re nationalising bigger charities, before selling them on to friends, and generally buggering about with the rest. Sorry? Because we can, that’s why.”
Sadly, not all charities are easily monetised and Hurd cites Samaritans as the worst offender in this respect. “It’s almost as if the last thirty years of management analysis had simply passed them by. Basically they’re still just talking with people, which is plain daft and very labour-intensive”. Continue reading
“Do you want some?” When offering tea
Have you ever been embarrassed when a finance director keeps on asking you to justify your expenses claim? Maybe you were busy doing important stuff and forgot to explain but telling him to ‘P*ss off’ is rarely wise.
Sometimes your own career simply hasn’t prepared you for the task. If, say, you’ve worked in advertising – making things up for a living – you might not realise that sometimes people are supposed to be open and honest. Continue reading
Here at the Evening Harold, like a Tory MP we have our fingers in many places. That’s why we can bring you this extract from Conservative MP and former PPS Mark Menzies’ blog: ‘My week in Westminster’
Well, it has certainly been busy in Parliament this week.
Firstly during Prime Minister’s Question Time I urged the Prime Minister to continue to support Typhoon exports to secure the future of BAE Systems’ Warton site, while also reminding him of the quality of the company’s Fylde-based apprentices. Then I popped out to meet with Rogerio Santos. Young Roger entered the UK lawfully and so, as an elected representative of the UK, I decided to repay the compliment.
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Filed under breaking news, News, Politics, Sex
A horse doing an impression of the Princess Royal.
His Excellency Liu Xiaoming, the Chinese Ambassador to the UK, has been summoned to appear before an Environment Agency Committee to answer a charge of ‘insensitivity’ over introducing yet another Year of the Horse so soon after last year’s horsemeat scandal.
“We only just put the whole sorry business of horse behind us,” said Owen Patterson, Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs. “Now the Chinese seem intent on stirring up all the bad memories again.”
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Filed under Culture, Dating, environment, Farming, Food, Health, International News, Royals
Wilshire now routinely wears a heavy disguise to reduce his unpopularity
Teachers’ leaders expressed support today for Sir Michael Wilshire, the embattled boss of Ofsted. Wilshire has recently been briefed against by zealous acolytes of pasty-faced Secretary of State for Education, Michael Gove.
“It’s not like criticising someone relentlessly is going to make them do a better job, is it?” Wilshire had demanded tearfully of a clearly embarrassed BBC interviewer Bill Turnbull on this morning’s ‘Breakfast’ show “Where’s the fairness in that?” he snuffled from behind a hankie “Everyone will think I’m a clown”. Continue reading
Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics
Right, now for my ‘shocked’ and ‘concerned’ face. What do you think?
Lib Dem Party leaders have denied persistent rumours in the Westminster Village that they have a rogue MP who is not a serial groper.
Nick Clegg asserts he was quick to respond. “As soon as I heard of these appalling allegations against a backbench MP, I paused to reflect for about three years and then acted immediately. How did I act? Well, I acted ‘shocked’, with eyebrows raised, like this …and acted ‘concerned’, with a frown, like this. It’s not an easy look. Go on, you try it. See?” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics
Plan will also make The North more prosperous.
Nearly 100 Tory MPs have written to David Cameron asking for the UK to be repositioned in relation to Europe. Provisional thinking is for the UK as a whole to be moved 100 – 150 miles North-West into the Atlantic.
“The exact distance is subject to trial and error of course ” said Senior Tory Bernard Jenkin, who drafted the letter,”much the same as our financial plans for when we leave the EU. So, let’s say … far enough that we can’t smell the garlic, close enough they can hear xenophobic hectoring with a loud-hailer. Perhaps about 100 miles as a starting point. As a bonus we can use what’s left of the Tunnel to drain all our excess rainwater over to France. It’s probably their fault that it’s been so wet recently anyway.” Continue reading
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Filed under Economy, Europe, International News, News, Politics
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