“We have come a long way, but the job is not yet half way done”. These were the words of George Osborne’s hairdresser yesterday when talking about the now famous ‘Austerity Cut’ he has been working on for the past few months.
“We have gone some way with this cut but will need to complete at least a further £25 worth of cuts to get things looking a little bit more respectable,” he continued.
I’ll take a refund but I don’t want to exchange her for another one
Enterprising members of the public have been left disappointed after attempting to return unwanted MPs along with unwanted Christmas presents this morning.
Many people hit on the idea of returning their local MP along with the new jumper that is several sizes too small, but stores are refusing to refund or even exchange politicians as they claim it is “not their place to do so”. Continue reading
Promised £2, delivered 2p. Typical
Department store John Lewis has made contact with the parents of a forty two-year-old man who had written a letter of apology after he broke the UK economy.
The man, who signed his name simply as George, inexplicably sent the letter to the John Lewis store in Cambridge after he accidentally broke the economy while serving as Chancellor of the Exchequer. Continue reading
It’s the frock on the right that really says massive financial inequality to us.
The venue for the Chancellor’s Autumn Statement this year will be the O2 Arena, Downing Street has announced. “The House of Commons is far too dreary a setting for the nation’s finest showing off their finest finery,” said artistic director, Nico Rubaiyat, “but in the O2, we can give The Statement the full son-et-lumiere makeover. I’m working with some beautiful pinks and oranges and there’s a bit of yellow in there too.” The show will be broadcast live on 5 December, simultaneously on BBC Parliament and Radio 1 Extra. Continue reading
Ye are many – they are few.
The Attorney General, Conservative MP Dominic Grieve, has warned that politicians need to ‘wake up’ to the problems of corruption in minority communities and cited the Bullingdon Club as a particular cause for concern.
The all-male Oxford University dining club counts David Cameron, George Osborne, Boris Johnson and Lord Voldemort amongst its past members has a reputation for exclusivity, a predilection for smashing up restaurants, and generally encourages its members to behave as if they were part of a parallel universe Drones Club in which fun has been replaced by a level of arrogance not seen since Charles I. Continue reading
Comments Off on Attorney General warns of corruption in minority communities. Bullingdon Club particular cause for concern
Filed under News
Cameron enjoying a friendly word with a serf yesterday
David Cameron today agreed that huge steps would be needed to get people who are not white and middle class into top jobs, and spoke movingly of his great relief that there was no possibility of such steps being taken.
Mr Cameron, who went to Eton then Oxford, was speaking to reporters while riding his personal elephant on a short trip checking the moat around his Chipping Norton country estate. Continue reading
Happy birthday Samaritans. Five million calls answered a year and no one ever gets put on hold. Whatever you’re doing we wish you could train the call centre at our bank to do it too.
Osborne will perform tracks by The Ramones, Joy Division and Bob the Builder.
Chancellor George Osborne is hoping to boost his popularity, by taking his new ‘mod’ hair on the road and playing at Glastonbury.
Osborne, who now drops his aitches and calls the festival ‘Glasto’, has been remodelled into what politicians believe is ‘the average punter’.
“Plebs ‘n that, they don’ like airs n’ graces an’ all that”, explained Osborne. “So ar’ve decided to be meself, or at least be the meself that wouldn’t have been bullied quite so relentlessly at school.”
Continue reading
A pram almost as large as their sense of entitlement.
The government has received a large boost in opinion polls with the announcement of the new prams in coffee shops tax.
“We believe in helping hard-working Britons,” said Chancellor George Osborne. “And our new tax will allow people who only have a few minutes to leave their workplace and grab a caffeinated beverage of their choice to be able to do so without being forced to fight their way into coffee shops stuffed with prams the size of shire horses or having to queue for ages as a parent insists on their three year old doing the ordering and paying no matter how long this takes or how many people are waiting to be served so said three year old can ‘have a learning experience’.” Continue reading
Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics
Osborne crosses his fingers for luck as he announces his Big Idea.
Chancellor George Osborne today used his speech at the Tory Party conference to announce a new policy in which the long-term unemployed will be herded into camps and rendered what he calls ‘statistically invisible’.
“There are 200,000 long-term unemployed in this country,” he said. “I’m going to end this something for nothing culture, prise them away from their cigarettes, their massive televisions and their X-boxes and send them somewhere where they won’t keep buggering up my figures on economic recovery.” Continue reading
“This is going to hurt you much more than it does me.”
A controversial scheme, whereby taxpayers will assist Tory politicians onto the gravy train ladder of single-party government, is being launched months earlier than expected at the Conservatives’ annual conference.
David Cameron told the BBC’s Andrew Marr that the party is still ‘recovering from a very low base’ and first time voters still needed a nudge to vote the right way. He rejected fears that the Help to Buy scheme will fuel a bubble of voter over-optimism. “As Prime Minister I am not going to stand by while fine candidates’ aspirations to get on the gravy train ladder are being trashed.” Continue reading
A man so clueless Garbodor and Foongus are his favourites
There was no shock at all today when it was revealed that George Osborne has spent the UK’s GDP on Pokémon cards.
“Oh come on,” said a Treasury insider who gave his name as Cavid Dameron. “Gidders is an absolute duffer. We all knew that he was going to spend it on something ridiculous. My money was on voting for X-Factor contestants. Quite annoying really now I owe Eric Pickles a tenner.” Continue reading
At least in Afghanistan there’s less chance of being caught up in a sing-a-long.
The Chancellor, George Osborne, will today announce the latest Spending Review in Parliament which will detail £11.5bn of cuts to Whitehall budgets. One of the more controversial aspects of this plan is the disbanding of the Royal Marines and their replacement with Wimbledon ball boys.
“The Royal Marines hold a unique position both in the military, and in public affection,” said Osborne. “They are incredibly effective at what they do and incredibly well-trained. Unfortunately they are also incredibly expensive.” Continue reading
Now available in a new flavour that will leave a slightly bitter taste in the mouth
Ahead of the spending review announcement in Parliament on Wednesday, details have leaked about the latest plan to get the UK’s economy on track. As well as £11.5bn of additional cuts, George Osborne intends to nationalise the cinema popcorn trade.
“The NHS, MOD and all other government owned acronyms only ever take money from the treasury without giving anything back” the draft of the Chancellor’s statement says.
“Looking into the cinema popcorn trade shows it has a mark-up of nearly 1400%. At it’s retail price, gram-for-gram it has more value than the country’s gold reserves.”
Some officers struggled with the ‘convincingly blending in’ aspect of going undercover.
A Dunstable based environmental protest group disbanded in chaos when it emerged that every single member was an undercover police officer. The group had been camping together in the kind of manky field you’d only put a donkey in if you wanted to make it terribly unhappy to protest about its forthcoming redevelopment as a McDonald’s but they quickly became suspicious of one another’s motivations. Continue reading
Number Four: Police knock at the door.
Excitement is building among players of Tory Bingo as more and more cases of sleaze and corruption hit the press meaning that the day one lucky contestant gets to call house can’t be very far away.
“Tory Bingo hasn’t been this thrilling since the early nineties,” said long-term player and Harold resident, Doris Kettle. “Back then we had so many scandals like the economy being brought to its knees by Norman Lamont and his young advisor David Cameron, the arms-to-Iraq scandal, cash-for-questions, Jonathan Aitken being convicted of perjury and-” Continue reading
Comments Off on Players of Tory Bingo get ready to call house
Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics
The wax-Miliband on the high street appears to be about to speak but would anyone remember what it said?
Concerned villagers in Harold have erected wax and cardboard images of Ed Miliband to try and create a sense that the UK does have an active Opposition.
‘It’s all IDS this, Osborne that, and Cameron everywhere you look,’ complained Julie Kettle as she tried to clean the cardboard-Miliband outside The Squirrel Licker’s Arms. ‘Where’s the Leader of the Opposition? It’s scary. I feel like we’re living in a one party-state and it’s a crap party without any crisps or jelly. So we’re putting Milibands around the village to make it seem like he’s actually doing something and engaging with real people.’ Continue reading
Comments Off on Villagers alarmed by Labour’s silence create their own Opposition
Filed under Around Harold, Politics
Worried residents of Harold who are currently on any form of benefit from job seekers allowance to war widows pension pleaded with the police to take them into custody to ensure the safety of those around them.
Carly Jeffery who works as a teaching assistant at St Mary’s and receives housing benefit and child benefit for her two children Ben (7) and Alice (4) is terrified that being in reciept of government money means that she will harm her family.
“With the Daily Mail claiming that Mick Philpott and his two accomplices wouldn’t have killed if being on benefits hadn’t made them do it, I’m worried for the safety of my children. I love the kids to bits but I now see that they have been born into a culture of dependency and are doomed to be as feckless as I am. It’s only right that I’m locked up and they are raised by the state which will of course ease the burden on hard working tax payers and give the children a better chance in life, won’t it?”
Comments Off on Residents on benefits plead to be taken into police custody to keep village safe
Filed under Around Harold
You must be logged in to post a comment.