There was no shock at all today when it was revealed that George Osborne has spent the UK’s GDP on Pokémon cards.
“Oh come on,” said a Treasury insider who gave his name as Cavid Dameron. “Gidders is an absolute duffer. We all knew that he was going to spend it on something ridiculous. My money was on voting for X-Factor contestants. Quite annoying really now I owe Eric Pickles a tenner.”
The Chancellor’s reckless spending has come to light in the run up to the auction of a Pikachu Illustrator card – the rarest of all Pokémon that is predicted to go for around £75,000. Of the eighty-three bids so far submitted no less than eighty-two were from Osborne who admits that he is bad with figures and not sure how auctions work.
“The details are unimportant,” Osborne told the Evening Harold. “What’s important is me getting this card and all the others. I’ve got to catch them all. I know that that normally means get all 695 types of Pokémon but I literally want all the cards so I don’t have to share. And I always get what I want, either Daddy or the Buller Boys make sure.”
“It isn’t reckless or selfish. If other people want Pokémon then they should earn the money to buy them. There’s no point in choosing to be poor or sick or disabled and then whining about how you can’t afford a Charizard. Shirkers and scroungers shouldn’t have nice things. I should because I’m George Osborne and I always have had.”
Labour have been quick to criticise Osborne’s use of the GDP with Ed Miliband roundly condemning what he called “typically regressive Tory attitudes.”
“I am appalled that the Chancellor has chosen to waste all this money on what amounts to little more than toys. It’s an insult to decent hard-working Britons and shows just how out of touch the Tories are. George Osborne must be held to account for this travesty and be forced to explain why he has insisted on collecting Pokémon when everyone knows Android: Netrunner is way cooler.”