Twenty-four hours after North Korea celebrated its 65th birthday with a mind-buggeringly lengthy parade of synchronised military nonsense the Foreign Office is fretting that it may have given the only country in the world run by a totalitarian family dictatorship a rubbish present.
“We’ve heard nothing,” said a nervous William Hague. “By now I would’ve at least expected a text saying thnx. And on Facebook I can see that they’ve read our message wishing them a happy birthday but they’ve not responded.”
Due to the secretive nature of North Korean interactions with other countries and the strict state controls on images and information the UK has so far been unable to determine if its gift of a year’s National Trust membership, a box of cheap fudge and two pairs of socks with Stewie and Brian from Family Guy stitched onto them hit the spot in terms of being good presents.
“It’s not my fault,” wailed Hague. “It’s such a difficult age to buy for. By sixty-five you’ve pretty much got everything you want or need. I’m better at the younger countries. South Sudan was two in July and they were thrilled with the play kitchen and big squishy teddy bear that we sent them.”
“We nearly gave North Korea a DVD box set of a classic documentary series but then we worried that World at War might cause a bit of an upset or worse provide inspiration. And the same applied to the hardback copy of Jeremy Clarkson’s latest book. The last thing North Korea needs is more ranting from a man who lives in a bubble of privilege and thinks he’s a god.”