Volunteers take up to ten minutes out of every shift to have a cup of tea. Is there no limit to their self-indulgence?
George Osborne has vowed to end food bank bonus culture calling the practice “grossly unfair” and “out of step with these times of austerity.”
The Chancellor’s declaration comes after the publishing of a report he commissioned into volunteer behaviour at food banks which saw spies infiltrate food banks up and down the country. Continue reading
Back from the dead?
The Pope, 77, was seen in difficulties shortly after the start of the service and had to cut his sermon down to a mere 75 minutes.
Questions about his health have seriously raised the possibility of the return of Pope Benedict who resigned the papacy only last year, ironically due to health issues. Vatican insiders have suggested that Francis may be forced to take a break whilst he regains his strength, which has paved the way for a symbolic resurrection for Benedict in time for Easter.
Whilst Francis was portrayed as a vigorous youth when compared with his predecessor, it has to be acknowledged that in civilian life he would be regarded as an old codger who spends most of his time in post office queues grumbling about Eastern Europeans. Continue reading
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Filed under International News, News, Religion
Before the financial crisis rain and puddles were fun.
The BBC have defended their new show Famous, Rich and Sat Naked in a Puddle against allegations that it is nothing more than poverty porn. Producer Richard McKerrow has denied that teaming celebrities with “naked losers” and filming them sitting together sans clothes in a puddle for seven days is in any way exploitative or demeaning. Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment
Meanwhile soldiers from Blah march off to engage their enemy in the Democratic Republic of No One Gives A Toss
The media today remains transfixed by the crisis in the Ukraine as the prospect of white people going to war with each other is given blanket 24/7 coverage. James Harding, Director of News and Current Affairs at the BBC denied that race was an issue.
“The reason the BBC is giving so much coverage to Ukraine while conflicts in other parts of the world particularly Africa go virtually unreported has nothing to do with skin colour,” he said. “This is about sex appeal not race.” Continue reading
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Filed under International News
I’m used to the cold, but this cold would get right into my bones if I had any
An ancient virus has come back to life after lying dormant for at least 30,000 years and immediately started grumbling about the weather, rude young people, and how everything was better ‘in its day’.
Found frozen in a deep layer of Siberian permafrost the virus was thawed out by French scientists and became infectious once again, before spending fully three hours complaining about everything from the incessant rain to not being able to understand smart phones. Continue reading
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Filed under News
A bunch of tossers: sometimes this stuff writes itself
In a gesture of goodwill the government has invited everyone to the House of Commons today for pancakes. However before making their way to Westminster people are being urged to read ministers’ statements about the pancakes in order to determine if they meet the criteria. Continue reading
Fears were expressed for the mental health of athlete Oscar Pistorius, after he bounded into his trial kissed the guard on both cheeks and launched into an acceptance speech thanking “the producers, my parents and, of course, my wonderful girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp, without who none of this would have been possible.”
Medical experts believe that Pistorius, the self-styled Blade Runner, may be suffering from a condition known as Oscar Fever which leaves victims believing they are starring in a movie and events of everyday real life are a screenplay they are acting out. It is a common affliction in places such as Hollywood. Continue reading
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Filed under News, Showbusiness
There was a further blow to PM David Cameron’s pledges on immigration yesterday when it was revealed that the Romanian version of pensioners’ favourite, ‘Escape to the Country’, consistently promotes the England as the best country for economic refugees seeking a fresh start.
The show, which has become a cult classic at the GCHQ reconnaissance centre, follows a similar format to the British version but instead of looking at homes, prospective emigrant couples are shown around three countries, two meeting their exact specifications and then a mystery country which is a little different and always turns out to be England.
In the programme we watched, Natalia and Ovidiu Demestrescu from Bucharest told a Romanian Aled Jones that they were looking for a European country with character, period features and good social services to accommodate the six children they were planning. They had a budget of zero to play with.
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Even Farage's pets had skeletons in their closets
With potential Ukip members now being asked to make sure they have no ‘skeletons in their closets’, museums up and down the UK are preparing for an unprecedented amount of new artifacts to display.
The new rules for potential candidates includes declarations such as “I have never been engaged in… racist activity”, “I do not have any skeletons in the cupboard”, and “I have never, in any way, acted like Godfrey Bloom”.
This move by the party has led to the hurried emptying of closets that has left the Harold Natural History Museum inundated with artifacts to add to its otherwise mundane collection.
You’ll never leave us, will you? What? No, we’re not coming on strong just because Scotland’s upset us. We love you Wales, you’ve always been our favourite and we mean that. We really, really do.
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Filed under Politics
Gary Glitter in his heyday enjoying a joke with political rival Margaret Thatcher
The Labour party has apologised for “getting it wrong” after revelations that the party was led for much of the 1970s by notorious paedophile Gary Glitter.
A spokesman admitted Labour was “naive” over its links with Glitter, but insisted that paedophilia was now almost totally eradicated from the party, and had only ever been a “minority interest”.
After losing the 1970 general election, Labour famously decided to widen its appeal by seeking new members from the entertainment industry, and figures such as Glitter quickly rose to positions of importance. The present-day party’s insistence that child molestation was not widespread is perhaps questionable, given the presence in the shadow cabinet of Jimmy Savile, Stuart Hall, and the “Child Catcher” out of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Continue reading
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Filed under Politics, Showbusiness
More startling evidence has emerged of Harriet Harman’s links to the notorious Paedophile Information Exchange. After several minutes’ investigation, the Evening Harold has come up with ten facts that the Deputy Labour Leader will struggle to deny.
1. Harriet Harman lives in London which is full of paedophiles. She is bound to have walked past one in the street or worse sat next to one on public transport. Try denying that one!
2. Harriet Harman is an MP and they are all dodgy in one way or another.
3. Even more damning, she represents Peckham in Parliament. We all know Peckham is a full of criminals. You only have to watch old episodes of “Only Fools and Horses” for evidence.
4. Harriet Harman has been linked to PIEs since a steak and kidney one baked by her grandmother in 1954. Continue reading
The National Trust has confirmed that it has reached its fundraising target to purchase a shed in want of “loving restoration” in the back garden of 33 Jubilee Rise, Harold.
In their press release, the National Trust describes the shed as:
“This magnificently modest horticultural facility, with parts dating back to the Texas Homecare period, was founded by Ronald Thompson in 1978. Internal enhancements were carried out by his successor, Neil Banks in 2003 who added the uniquely styled uneven shelving and richly faded chintz curtains heavily influenced by his wife Maureen in 2006.”
A grateful peasant salivates over his new home
The Princess Royal has weighed into the planning row by calling for new village homes to be made from gingerbread so struggling villagers can always have something to eat.
Her Royal Highness said she was concerned that the migration of village populations to towns and cities would destroy traditional feudal values leaving servantless. “It’s vital that we plan for the future,” she insisted at a planning symposium organised by her big brother Charles. “At current rates, it is entirely possible that there won’t be enough peasants to skivvy in one’s country estate within five years.” Continue reading
Concerns have been raised Labour leader Ed Miliband after he said he’s done a lot of thinking and decided it is Prime Minister’s Question’s that “subtracts from the reputation of politics” and definitely not the MPs expenses scandal, a proposed 11% pay rise, many MPs having six-figures salary directorships on the side, failed economic policies or their inability to put people before big businesses and banks.
Speaking on the BBC, Miliband said: “People can accept us selling half the country’s gold reserves at rock bottom prices and the coalition’s attack on the most vulnerable through welfare reform, but they just will not accept planted questions and the occasional joke at PMQ’s.
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Chris claims he thought 'BBC' stood for 'Bumpers, Boot and Cupholders'
Former Radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles has said he is disappointed to discover he is not a second-hand car salesman as declared on his 2008 self-assessment tax return. The news came to Moyles during a tribunal into a claim he used “working wheels” to avoid paying up to £1m in tax.
“I genuinely thought I had what it takes,” Moyles said in a statement. “I had over £600,000 appearing in my bank account that year and hadn’t even kicked a tyre, let alone set foot on a forecourt. Imagine how well I could have done if I had put more into it.
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Filed under Business, Entertainment, News
“‘Jesus is the tooth fairy for adults’ – is that the best you’ve got?”
A local bishop has attacked new atheists for their laziness. “I’m entirely bored of people saying to me that all Roman Catholic priests are kiddie-fiddlers and forwarding me copies of Willy Wonka condescension memes involving the phrase ‘beardy sky man’,” said the Most Reverend Stanislaus McNamee, Bishop of Dunstable. “Is that it? Am I honestly expected to renounce my faith over a two minute YouTube clip of George Carlin?” Continue reading
Filed under Religion
“More money for us.”
The opening skirmish of Operation “Cock and Awe”…
Following yesterday’s courtroom revelation that Tony Blair advised Rebekah Brooks on how to tackle her phone hacking problem, the nation is breathlessly asking itself today whether that is the only tackle he helped her with.
Blair is believed by many to have been steadily working his way through the sexual conquest of the entire female staff of News Corporation, from the highest Chief Executive’s wife down to the lowliest News of the World editor. Wendi Deng, the former wife of Rupert Murdoch, allegedly developed a passionate obsession with him, and fiery redhead Brooks may just have been the latest woman to need urgent help with her briefs. Continue reading
Flood summit meetings were held today in Somerset between Government ministers and representatives of the insurance and financial industries. It had been feared that holding the talks in a county which was completely underwater would cause problems but this was not the case according to Flooding Minister Dan Rogerson:
“We floated a raft of proposals across the table and told them to ‘Bubble, gluggle, wubble’. They responded with a rather damp ‘Wurgle, gurgle, blurgle’, but we put our flippers down firmly and insisted, ‘Globble, wuggle, floggle.’”
“This is the sort of straight talking these people understand. I’m confident we got our message across.” Continue reading
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