Tag Archives: Evening Harold

by | April 26, 2014 · 1:51 pm

Farage punk photo ‘may be clever forgery’

sid-and-farage

Suspicion is growing that a photo supposedly showing UKIP leader Nigel Farage in his youth as a rebellious punk rocker is in fact a forgery.

The photo, above, seems to clearly show Sex Pistols bassist Sid Vicious looking adoringly into Farage’s eyes, and it is these subtle homoerotic overtones which have allegedly caused the UKIP hierarchy to demand a ban from all media outlets.

In fact, close examination by experts has now revealed that despite all appearances, the photo may in fact not be genuine. This is hard to believe, given its authentic appearance, but Photoshop gurus have managed to spot a few tell-tale discrepancies which may begin to cast doubts.
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by | April 25, 2014 · 2:00 pm

Are you a good risk? Take our ‘mortgage lifestyle quiz’ to find out!

mortgage

Can you really afford that pen?

Under new rules that take effect on Saturday, mortgage applicants face tougher questions about their lifestyle, to give lenders greater confidence that borrowers will actually have the ability to pay.

Questions from lenders about customers’ regular outgoings – including childcare costs and even haircuts – could be included in affordability checks, along with a range of other lifestyle queries.

At the Evening Harold, we have obtained an early draft copy of the new questionnaire, so why not try it yourself and find out whether, in these difficult times, the mortgage companies will see you as a good risk? Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Cornish people officially awarded ‘odd’ status

cornwall

Sinister much?

The people of Cornwall were celebrating today after finally gaining official ‘odd’ status under European rules.

Following a campaign of sustained oddness for many years, this ruling gives the Cornish the same status as other ‘odd’ communities such as the Welsh and fans of homeopathic medicine.

Chief Secretary to the Treasury Danny Alexander made the announcement during a hurried visit to the county. At a press conference in Bodmin, his eyes nervously sweeping the crowd for for first signs of trouble, he spoke of his delight and nagging anxiety:

“Cornish people have a proud history and a distinct identity. I always get a strange feeling when I cross the Tamar going on holiday to Truro. Nothing you could put your finger on really, waiters spitting on my scrambled eggs, locals pissing in my petrol tank – a bit like going to Wales but without the welcoming smiles.” Continue reading →

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by | April 24, 2014 · 2:00 pm

OAP clamped after Post Office queue fiasco

POA village post office has been criticised for its ‘draconian behaviour’ after having an elderly customer clamped and removed for spending too much time chatting as she drew her pension.

Eye witness, Dave Zhou, was in a long queue behind pensioner Elsie Duggan when the clampers moved into action. “The old dear at the front of the queue had been deep in conversation at the counter for ages when an alarm sounded and two men in hi-viz grubby overalls stormed in and clamped her walking frame. Then they lifted her onto a trolley and wheeled her out of the building. The last I saw was them hoisting her onto the back of a truck by crane.” Continue reading →

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by | · 7:01 am

Batchcock and Marzipan among ancient names returning to popularity

bookAncient names that have not been used for hundreds of years are making a comeback as parents search for individual identities for their new born children.

After a period when Christian names were sourced from Gaelic surnames or favourite drinks, the fashion is switching to names derived from history with boy’s names growing in popularity including Hamlet, Batchcock and Dogend.

Whilst Hamlet is relatively well known thanks to the works of playwright J.K. Rowling; Batchcock is Anglo Saxon in origin meaning “many dickheads”, with Dogend being Old English for “cigarette butt”. Continue reading →

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by | April 23, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Who could do better than Moyes? A chocolate fireguard? We look at the contenders

Cheerio then David

Cheerio then David

With David Moyes’ disastrous but hilarious reign as Manchester United manager having come to an end the search has begun for the man to replace him. There are certain qualities needed to manage one of the world’s biggest football clubs and here we run through some of the candidates who look like they could do a better job of it than Moyes did. Continue reading →

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by | · 1:00 pm

Ooh yes, let Alex Ferguson pick the new manager again, says everyone

Football fans across England have reacted with joy to the news that Sir Alex Ferguson will take a prominent role in deciding Manchester United’s next manager.

Muppet-Ferguson

Several promising candidates being considered…

Following the unalloyed success of the Scot’s previously chosen candidate, there is general delight that football is to be treated to another exhibition of genius recruitment from the master.

An Old Trafford spokesman confirmed this morning that the most enjoyable hiring process since Basil Fawlty employed Manuel was under way.

“Sir Alex has proved his judgement a thousand times over the years, and he have total confidence in him,” he insisted. “Yes, he’s not as young as he used to be, and sometimes forgets what his name is, but you can’t argue with experience.”

“It might be true that he comes into meetings still in his pyjamas some days, thinks he’s Napoleon and smells of wee, but the board retain every confidence in him.” Continue reading →

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by | April 22, 2014 · 7:00 am

Teachers strike in June: NUT says World Cup and Wimbledon being on then is ‘merely coincidence’

Jumping Into the Sea

Woo-hoo June strike!

The National Union of Teachers has denied that voting to hold strikes in June has anything to do with either sunshine, football or tennis. Continue reading →

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by | April 21, 2014 · 11:00 am

Queen won Prince Edward in a game of cards: fifteen facts about Her Majesty

Prince+Philip+Queen+Elizabeth+II+Attends+State+Iq-ythrN3VWl

Modern Britain.

Elizabeth, Queen of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Head of the Commonwealth, Chatelaine of Cair Paravel, and Empress of the Lone Islands is today celebrating her 88th birthday. In honour of the occasion we present the top fifteen facts about her extraordinary life and reign. Continue reading →

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by | April 19, 2014 · 7:30 am

Axelrod accepts turd polishing job at Labour HQ

New Image: Ed slowly morphs into Milibama

New Image: Ed slowly morphs into Milibama

Prompted by the Tories’ hiring of Robert Mugabe’s election manager, Labour has engaged American PR guru, David Axelrod, to mastermind their 2015 election campaign.

The man behind Barak Obama’s successful run for the White House has travelled to London to meet Ed Miliband, and assess the enormity of his task.

There was initial embarrassment on Axelrod’s arrival when he pushed past a weedy inconspicuous doorman, only to be told that the insignificant underling was actually the man who he had to transform into the next Prime Minister in twelve short months. Continue reading →

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by | April 18, 2014 · 2:30 pm

‘Star Wars is responsible for climate change’ claims academic

Yoda_SWSB

Honestly, who seems more real to you? This chap or Kim Kardashian?

Harold academic Professor Monica Simon has launched a stinging attack on Star Wars by saying it is to blame for climate change. Her new book Laugh It Up, Fuzzball: How George Lucas Happily Destroyed Earth claims that the film director has succeeded in brain-washing everyone into “buggering up the planet because they think they can just go to another one.” Continue reading →

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by | · 11:00 am

Easter Getaway latest: First case of cannibalism in M5 tailback

brighton-beach_2016074i

After 8 hours of traffic chaos people can finally relax on the beach

As the Easter Getaway causes traffic chaos across the UK  this season’s first case of in-car cannibalism has been reported in a tailback on the M5. Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

‘I stung PM not to punish but to enable’ says jellyfish

10-small-cute-jellyfish-photography

Jellyfish: apparently the top 1% own more of the sea than the other 99% combined.

The jellyfish who yesterday stung David Cameron as he swam off Arrieta beach in Lanzarote has denied intentionally upsetting him. Continue reading →

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by | April 17, 2014 · 5:55 pm

Death estimates ‘a little too specific for comfort’ say pensioners

Pensioners have complained that the government’s proposed new life expectancy guidelines are “worryingly precise” after volunteers for a pilot scheme were given exact details of the time and manner of their impending demises.

gravestone

Really? Thursday? Well sod the library fines then…

All of the predictions came exactly true, leading to suspicions that the whole scheme was little more than an efficient and ruthless way to slash welfare spending.

“They told my Doris she’d live until last Thursday, when the brakes on her mobility scooter would mysteriously fail,” claimed Albert Renfrew, 104. “And lo and behold, if it didn’t only go and happen just like they said. Spooky, I call it.”

“The police said the cables do just snap cleanly like that sometimes, and they only look like they’ve been cut.” Continue reading →

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by | · 7:01 am

New real cat food brand to feature mouse and garden bird varieties

cat foodDescribed as ‘realistic and scientifically researched’ a controversial new brand of cat food which will be available in supermarkets this week claims to be based upon the food that a cat would really eat if it could choose.

Initial flavours will include Munchie Mouse, described on the label as ‘tender pieces of your cat’s favourite rodent marinated in a muddy puddle gravy‘ and Songbird, ‘prime morsels of de-feathered sparrow in catnip jelly [may contain thrush]‘

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by | April 16, 2014 · 7:00 am

Surgeon who branded initials into a patient’s liver hailed as ‘new Banksy’

A surgeon who secretly branded his initials into patients’ livers during operations has been hailed by the art establishment as ‘an exciting new talent to rival Banksy’.

liver-banksy

Vital artwork now showing at an in-patient ward near you

Simon Bramhall, who works at the Queen Elizabeth Hospital in Birmingham, was suspended before Christmas following the allegation that he had marked a patient, but defended himself saying his work was ‘an ironic commentary on the state of Coalition Britain and its place in a changing world.”
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by | April 15, 2014 · 7:00 am

New Cadbury’s creme eggs only visible through microscope

Creme egg viewed through a telescope. From 3 feet away.

Creme egg viewed through a telescope. From 3 feet away.

The ongoing reduction in size of Cadbury’s creme eggs has resulted in the 2015 version no longer being visible to the naked eye, and yet they are still more expensive than when they used to be massive.

“The Cadbury’s creme egg is an iconic chocolate snack, ostensibly released only for a limited period around Easter but actually available all year round apart from one day in October, when it is removed because it is ‘out of season’.” said Lorraine Robinson, Professor of Disappointing Confectionery at the University of Exeter. Continue reading →

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by | April 14, 2014 · 7:09 pm

Mumsnet attacked by Heartbleed Bug: data-thieves suffering after being exposed to so much bile

depressed computer covering head

He just wanted credit card details not a 250-page debate on Katie Hopkins

In a cyber-crime first desperate data-thieves are trying to give back the information they’ve stolen. Using the Heartbleed bug a small gang attacked Mumsnet and have been left in tatters by what they saw.

“I’m not a bad person,” said a hacker who would only give their name as X. “All I wanted to do was steal people’s personal information and use it for financial gain I shouldn’t have to be exposed to…to…to that.” Continue reading →

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by | · 1:14 pm

History: Henry VIII was a brickie and did Charles II start the Great Fire of London?

HentyPainstaking research by Harold don, Professor Bethany Russell, has revealed that Henry VIII, famous for having six wives, was also a first class bricklayer who played an active part in the building of many of the great palaces attributed to him.

According to recently discovered papers, there was nothing he liked better after a hard day conducting the affairs of state, than to spend a couple of hours working on the intricate brick tracery of Hampton Court Palace with a trowel in his hand.

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by | · 7:00 am

We don’t want to worry you but…

Dave’s on an awkwardly posing holiday.

Britain's prime minister, David Cameron, and his wife, Samantha, stop for a drink on Lanzarote

 

 

 

 

 

Which means this chap’s in charge: Continue reading →

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