Tag Archives: soylent green

‘Bleeding’ vegan burger will come with suspiciously authentic scabs

A new plant-based burger that realistically “bleeds” will come fitted with remarkably tasty mock scabs, it was revealed today.

The “Beyond Burger”, which is to make its hotly-anticipated UK retail debut in Tesco on Monday, is entirely meat-free, but will ooze with authentic-looking “blood” made from beetroot juice.

The faux-beef is believed to be very realistic, but true meat lovers had expressed concern that while the feeling of warm red juice blood dripping down your chin might be fine and dandy, the real bloody experience would be incomplete without some good old fashioned scabbing to pick off and enjoy between courses.

From their high-security 100% vegan laboratory and abattoir, the inventors of the burger were reluctant to delve into the more gristly aspects of their entirely plant-derived product.

“These burgers are a miracle of modern vegan engineering,” insisted Chief Executive Matt Butcher, in a press conference with his business partner S. W. Eenytodd.

“Of course, we can’t go into exactly how the vegetable protein is reconfigured into the convincingly plausible meaty lumps, but customers should rest assured that the occasional presence of a finger nail or apparently human anus is just part of our patent plant refining system.”

“Any of our vegan customers who have any doubts about the process are more than welcome to bring their concerns to our warehouse floor, where they will be swiftly processed.”

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Death estimates ‘a little too specific for comfort’ say pensioners

Pensioners have complained that the government’s proposed new life expectancy guidelines are “worryingly precise” after volunteers for a pilot scheme were given exact details of the time and manner of their impending demises.


Really? Thursday? Well sod the library fines then…

All of the predictions came exactly true, leading to suspicions that the whole scheme was little more than an efficient and ruthless way to slash welfare spending.

“They told my Doris she’d live until last Thursday, when the brakes on her mobility scooter would mysteriously fail,” claimed Albert Renfrew, 104. “And lo and behold, if it didn’t only go and happen just like they said. Spooky, I call it.”

“The police said the cables do just snap cleanly like that sometimes, and they only look like they’ve been cut.” Continue reading

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Filed under Health, Politics