The Evening Haröld

by rickw | January 22, 2015 · 7:00 am

Windows 10 to come with free hand job

At last!

Microsoft has announced that its new Windows 10 operating system will come with a free hand job for every user, in an attempt to increase popular uptake.

Windows 8, which suffered from a confusing touch-screen interface and no hand job, has only reached a 10% market share, leaving Microsoft shareholders disappointed and consumers squirming in agonies of sexual frustration.

Analysts are predicting that the new version of Windows could take off in a big way, reversing a decline going back to the catastrophic decision to package every copy of Windows Vista with a free kick in the goolies.

“Microsoft has listened to what its customers want,” explained industry expert and keen self-abuser Florian Munter. “What they want is a familiar interface, with solid performance. And a hand job.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on Windows 10 to come with free hand job

Filed under Sex, Technology

Tagged as Evening Harold, Microsoft, Spoof news, Windows 10

by waylandsmithy | January 21, 2015 · 10:44 am

Tony Blair hanging delayed until May

tmp_21573-hang bord_201501211033523321255429072

A show trial could restore the public’s confidence in politicians.

The postponing of an irrelevant report about notorious murderer Tony Blair has delayed his hanging until May.

With the rope already ordered and a gibbet in Westminster booked for the bank holiday, the act of justice will take place shortly after the general election.

“The Chilcot Enquiry was set up to see just how guilty this psychotic warmonger is”, said a spokesman for the Home Office.

“But so far, the author hasn’t found the words. ‘Very’ doesn’t cut it all, and neither does ‘really, really properly’. Hopefully by April, he’ll have come up with something along the lines of ‘as f**k’.”

It’s expected that certain information will be redacted from the report, such as Tony Blair’s name, some key dates and all the facts. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Tony Blair hanging delayed until May

Filed under Crime, Election 2015, Politics

Tagged as blair, Chilcot, guilty

by Max C-F | · 5:46 am

Government fits beggars with contactless card tech and rebrands them ‘street entrepreneurs’

10931407_10153206229473149_3692030598543086021_n

This chap looks very familiar. You think he’d be all right for cash after all that wizarding

Iain Duncan Smith is claiming to have spearheaded a jobs revival having had people who beg on Britain’s streets implanted with contactless card payment systems.

“There is no such thing as society,” said Duncan Smith. “Oops, sorry, wrong notes – there are no beggars, only street entrepreneurs. There are no rough sleepers, only hard-working self-starters who spend all their time in their ‘office’ pulling themselves up by their bootstraps and not being part of the something for nothing culture of benefits.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on Government fits beggars with contactless card tech and rebrands them ‘street entrepreneurs’

Filed under Politics

Tagged as beggars, contactless cards, DWP, Evening Harold, Iain Duncan-Smith

by rickw | January 20, 2015 · 10:50 am

Miliband invoiced £15.95 for Labour Party no-show

Ed Miliband has been sent an invoice for “not showing up” in his position as head of the Labour Party.

Mr Miliband apparently agreed to lead the party in 2010, but subsequently seems to have realised he had something else planned, at least, that’s the only way to explain his seeming invisibility.

“It’s like he just couldn’t be bothered to show up,” complained TUC General Secretary and mother of two Frances O’Grady. “We wouldn’t mind, but we paid for the charisma training.”

“I got the invoice this morning,” admitted Miliband to journalists. “They said they would take me to the small claims court if I don’t pay. I just think it’s really unfair. I’m the Leader of the Opposition, I think”

Legal experts believe it is actually unlikely that Miliband will be forced to pay the bill. The Evening Harold’s Legal correspondent insisted: “A legal contract can only be made with a fully-mature grown adult. We think that says it all.”

Comments Off on Miliband invoiced £15.95 for Labour Party no-show

Filed under Lost and Found, Politics

Tagged as birthday party invoice, Ed Miliband, Evening Harold, £15.95

by Max C-F | · 3:07 am

Eric Pickles writes to Katie Hopkins’ family calling on them to help combat extremism

rsz_uktv-katie-hopkins-this-morning-still-2

Should this wide-eyed fanatic be tolerated?

Eric Pickles has made a personal written plea to individual members of the Hopkins family asking them to stand with the rest of the UK in defeating hatred while one member of their clan continues to run amok.

“We know that acts of headline grabbing and offence are not representative of the Hopkins family,” he wrote. “But we need to show what is.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on Eric Pickles writes to Katie Hopkins’ family calling on them to help combat extremism

Filed under Entertainment, Politics, Religion

Tagged as Eric Pickles, Evening Harold, extremism, Islam, Katie Hopkins

by Perks | January 19, 2015 · 1:48 pm

Richest 1% stop Oxfam complaining by buying them

Bill Gates admits he got his haircut from a charity shop

The world’s richest 1% have completed a deal which sees them take full ownership of Oxfam in a bid to stop them complaining about inequality.

The move comes after the charity released a study that claims very soon the richest 1% would have 50% of the world’s wealth.

A lawyer speaking on behalf of Oxfam’s new owners said: “The previous owners of this charity have long been complaining about inequality and how capitalism was making things worse, so we bought them.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Richest 1% stop Oxfam complaining by buying them

Filed under Business, News, Politics

by yikes28 | · 9:13 am

‘There is a right to cause offence’, says Dish-Face Dave

Fat Dave utilising his right to cause offence

‘There is a right to cause offence in a free society’, said Britain’s muttering idiot David Cameron. Fat Dave made his comments in an interview on US television, while relying on cue cards to make sure he got his words in the right order.

Dish-Face Dave was probably talking about comments the Pope had made about punching people in the nose who make fun of religion, but you never know with the dopey twat. He might have said ‘there is a right to cause offence’ to excuse his corpulent flatulence.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on ‘There is a right to cause offence’, says Dish-Face Dave

Filed under News, Politics

Tagged as David Cameron, David Cameron forehead, dish-face Dave, Fat Dave, Right to cause offence

by dvo | · 7:00 am

Government worried all NHS staff aren’t yet de-motivated

‘Even this much self-worth strikes at the very heart of Tory policies’

With a recent survey showing some NHS workers aren’t on anti-depressants, Ministers fear they might still be feeling OK about themselves.

“Staff self-esteem is much the same as C. difficile.” said a swivel-eyed Jeremy Hunt yesterday “Not something you really want to find in a hospital but succeptible to vicious, sustained attack nonetheless.”

Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Health, News, Politics

Tagged as Anti-depressants, jeremy hunt, NHS, Politics, Tory policies

by yikes28 | · 7:05 am

Human Rights Act should give precedence to right to have your head attached to rest of your body

Caution: may contain traces of rant

The Evening Harold has a long history of tolerance and inclusivity. 200 years ago we made a stand against slavery by giving our office slaves their freedom and replacing them with mandrills. More recently, we reported on how the whole village had adopted the Niqab and declared it to be lovely. We looked at whether moderate cat ladies should condemn extremist cat ladies, and we made fun of Britain First because, as far as we can see, that is the point of Britain First.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Human Rights Act should give precedence to right to have your head attached to rest of your body

Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Around Harold, Law and Order

Tagged as Baghdad Meziane, chris grayling, deportation, Human Rights Act, ISIS beheadings, Paris terror attacks, right to not have your head cut off

by Perks | January 17, 2015 · 8:19 am

Pope’s faith questioned as he runs away from an act of God

Pope Francis has cut a trip to Tacloban in the Philippines short so he can avoid Tropical Storm Mekkhala, leading some to question his faith in God to keep him safe.

“You would have thought he is the one person in the world God would want to look after,” one of the faithful braving the weather to see the pontiff said.

“I mean, it’s not like he is an evil person, or an innocent African child or anyone else God always seems to pick on; he’s the Pope.”
Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under News, Religion

Tagged as god, Pope Francis, tropical storm

by Max C-F | · 5:23 am

Heat rises, so sit on someone tall: 20 top tips for winter survival

Why hast thou forsaken us?

Don’t wear a condom inside, or you won’t feel the benefit when you go out.
Wear an extra pair of socks over your arms.
Alcohol doesn’t make you warmer you just think it does. But isn’t that enough?
In an emergency survival situation you can coat your body with your own faeces. This will stop your neighbours coming round and opening your front door and letting all the heat out. Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Weather

Tagged as cold, Evening Harold, survival, winter

by wallstermagnus | January 16, 2015 · 3:00 pm

BBC announces Spy Competition to find leaders for Blue Peter Youth movement.

Flag made from sticky backed plastic and a pair of Val’s old knickers.

BBC bosses have announced a children’s spy competition in conjunction with MI5 to find kids with the right ‘attitude and qualifications’ to lead the new Blue Peter Youth movement.

The Blue Peter Youth is being set up as a social initiative to encourage children to take part in local activities such as collecting milk bottle tops for charity, dog walking, racism, and bracing outdoor activities like cycling, hill walking and book burning. Continue reading →

Comments Off on BBC announces Spy Competition to find leaders for Blue Peter Youth movement.

Filed under Badgers, Culture, Entertainment, Media, Politics, TV, Uncategorized

Tagged as Anthony Horowitz, Badgers, Blue Peter, government, Hitler Youth, mi5, Politics, TV

by rickw | · 12:52 pm

Google replaces ‘Glass’ with the ‘Smart Underpant’

Virtually invisible

Google is ending sales of its Google Glass eyewear product, and focussing instead on the rapidly-swelling ‘smart underpant’ market.

A spokesperson from Google explained that while Google Glass may return in the future, the firm believes that underpants will take off this year, and is devoting its efforts into getting into them.

The main advantages of the smart undercracker appear to be in its relatively discreet appearance – while the obtrusive Google Glasses led to concerns of privacy and looking like an arse-hat, the new Google Pant will sit snugly on the user’s right testicle, virtually invisible apart from the giant plastic camera poking out of the permanently-open fly. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Google replaces ‘Glass’ with the ‘Smart Underpant’

Filed under Lifestyle, Technology

Tagged as Evening Harold, Google Ass, Google Glass, smart pants

by Perks | · 6:40 am

Britain First convinced al-Murray is a Muslim

Far-right Facebook memers Britain First have called upon their members in South Thanet to vote for Nigel Farage and not “that muslim fella, al-Murray”.

“First Al-Qaeda, then al-Zawahiri, and now al-Murray, they’re taking the piss” Britain First’s chief bigot Paul Goulding said.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Britain First convinced al-Murray is a Muslim

Filed under News, Politics

Tagged as Al Murray, britain first, muslim, Paul Goulding, Thannet south

by Perks | January 15, 2015 · 2:09 pm

Al-Qaeda ‘disappointed’ not to be nominated for best foreign language film Oscar for ‘Death To The West’

Al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri has declared a jihad on Hollywood after his terrorist group’s films were once again snubbed for the best foreign language film for a tenth straight year.

“We thought we had a great chance with ‘Death To The West'” he told Al Jazeera. “A two-hour emotional monologue detailing the complex issues around our fractious relationship with America.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Al-Qaeda ‘disappointed’ not to be nominated for best foreign language film Oscar for ‘Death To The West’

Filed under Entertainment, News, Politics, Uncategorized

Tagged as Al Qaeda, death to the west, nominations, Oscar

by yikes28 | · 10:00 am

Man’s sex life soars after advertising his sperm as paleo and gluten-free

An unemployed Harold man says his sex life improved dramatically after he started advertising his sperm as paleo and gluten-free.

“It was a bit slow to start with – just the occasional blowy from women with coeliacs” said 45 year old ex-plumber Clive Pickles. “But through word of mouth, most of the village soon knew my man juice was gluten-free and, well, things sort of exploded from there.”
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Man’s sex life soars after advertising his sperm as paleo and gluten-free

Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle

Tagged as coeliacs, diet fads, gluten-free, Gluten-free sperm, may contain traces of nuts, paleo diet

by rickw | · 7:00 am

Ridiculous comedy buffoon to stand against Al Murray’s Pub Landlord

Always good for a laugh

Comedian Nigel Farage will stand in his guise as “The UKIP Leader” against Al Murray’s “Pub Landlord” at the general election.

Mr Farage, whose hilarious character is based around a hatred for all things foreign, has formed the United Kingdom Independence Party.

He confirmed he would stand for election in Thanet South, in Kent.

He said: “It seems to me that the UK is ready for a bloke waving a pint around, spouting mindless far-right bollocks instead of offering common sense solutions.” Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Election 2015, Showbusiness

Tagged as Al Murray, Evening Harold, nigel farage, Pub Landlord, Spoof news, Thanet

by rickw | January 14, 2015 · 11:00 am

Cameron to be replaced in debate by Cowardly Lion

The Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz has stepped in to replace David Cameron in the televised election debates, it emerged today.

Although famously suffering from a chronic lack of courage, the Cowardly Lion still apparently has more balls than the current Prime Minister.

Senior Tories have praised the Lion’s courage in sparing Cameron the horror of debating against the terrifying Ed Miliband and Nigel Farage.

“This Lion deserves a medal,” proclaimed former Conservative Party chairman Norman Tebbit. Now all we need is a heart for Iain Duncan Smith and we’ll be on a winner. And a brain. And a clue.”

It seem that the Cowardly Lion may not be the only stand-in for the debates. Reports are coming in that Labour are considering replacing leader Miliband in the debates with an empty chair – not because he is is afraid to appear, but simply because it is thought the chair will be more charismatic.

1 Comment

Filed under Election 2015, Showbusiness

Tagged as Cowardly Lion, David Cameron, Election TV debates, Evening Harold, Wizard of Oz

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Harold Tweets…

Sections

Latest news

What they’re saying about the Evening Harold!

Rummage

Most popular stories

Enjoy some older Haroldy goodness