“It was a bit slow to start with – just the occasional blowy from women with coeliacs” said 45 year old ex-plumber Clive Pickles. “But through word of mouth, most of the village soon knew my man juice was gluten-free and, well, things sort of exploded from there.”
Mr Pickles agreed he was riding a bit of a wave, but he wasn’t about to get complacent.
“I’m constantly testing and refining the product at home, and I think I’ve pulled off the perfect recipe. I’ve even stopped washing my bits with soap so I can use the ‘organic’ label.”
Local women sing Mr Pickle’s praises with testimonials such as ‘perfect tonic first thing in the morning’, ‘noticeably less bloating than regular sperm’, ‘tastier than quinoa’, and ‘it’s great to be 4 foot tall’. Café owner Pippa Delaney says after sucking Mr Pickles daily for just 6 weeks, she lost one stone plus her husband comments her teeth are whiter.
Nutritionist Jane Nicols said Pickles’ ‘paleo and gluten-free’ marketing of his sperm was a bit cheeky, and his ‘may contain traces of nuts’ warning was arguably overkill.
“But Clive really should clarify that ‘satisfaction guaranteed’ is referring to himself not his customers.”