by | September 9, 2015 · 7:00 am

UK men in Syria drone death ‘were actually on EasyJet trip to Prague’

south_prague

A coach transfer to your hotel may be necessary

EasyJet has apologised after it emerged that the supposed UK militants killed by a drone attack  in Syria this week were merely on a stag do in the Czech Republic, and had just landed at the airline’s ‘South Prague’ airport, which happens to be near the Syrian/Lebanese border.

The rolling, once-fertile Hawran Plateau south of Damascus might seem a strange choice for those heading to Eastern Europe, but the airline was adamant that customers are well aware that some of the airports on its routes involve a coach transfer to their final destination.

“In this case, to reach downtown Prague from our airport of choice would involve a simple taxi or coach trip, followed by an arduous journey being smuggled into Europe by ruthless people smugglers,” explained an EasyJet spokesperson this morning. Continue reading →

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by | September 8, 2015 · 8:47 pm

Rooney ‘still hungry’ after eating Wembley goal posts

rooneyWayne Rooney has admitted he may have been confused by the publicity about his appetite for goals after footage emerged of him eating Wembley’s goal posts ahead of tonight’s qualifier against Switzerland.

ITV cameramen were checking their monitors when they saw the veteran England captain run onto the pitch, pull up the goal posts and eat them.

“The posts themselves went in,” said the ITV, “complete with nets and webcams. We got excellent footage of them passing through Rooney’s digestive tract, thanks to their long battery life, waterproof casings and a good wi-fi signal.”

Panic set in among officials when they discovered that Rooney had also cleaned out the Wembley stockroom.
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by | · 12:38 pm

No trust left after BBC’s ‘Fake or Fortune’ revealed as a fake

Fake or Fortune.

Bremner, Bird and Fortune

The nation’s sense of trust in the BBC has reached an all-time low, following the revelation that its flagship art valuation program Fake or Fortune is itself a complete fake.

The program features a gullible member of the public who has bought a work of art by a famous artist at a massive discount because the work has not yet been authenticated. It’s Fiona Bruce’s job to trace the work’s history across Europe and establish the all-important provenance. The gullible owner is excited by the prospect of a genuine work worth millions, but ends the program in tears, when an expert points out that Chagall never signed his name with an S.

An investigation by the Broadcasting Standards Authority, however, found that the program was made up and none of the characters were real. The findings were that the program was filmed entirely in a studio in Manchester and shots of Fiona Bruce outside the Louvre in Paris were created by back projection, using a look-alike actress, with her voice dubbed on afterwards by Russell Crowe. And the works of art were all stage props, made in the BBC’s workshops.

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by | · 7:00 am

Refugees to be shipped to UK in David Cameron’s forehead.

Dave Headroom

Room for one thousand more on top.

David Cameron’s forehead is to be sent to the Syrian border camps to collect the 20,000 additional refugees the UK government has agreed to let live.

Aid agencies had been struggling to find a vessel large enough and empty enough to transport the refugees, and have welcomed the use of Mr Cameron’s forehead while he’s not using it. Continue reading →

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by | September 7, 2015 · 1:54 pm

ISIS claim responsibility for destruction of ‘superhenge’

henge

An artist’s impression of some rocks, in happier times.

An online video allegedly posted by ISIS has claimed responsibility for the destruction of a stone circle in Wiltshire.

The henge features around 100 giant stones, which have been deliberately toppled into holes and covered with earth.

Archeologists described the attack as ‘fairly easy to reverse’, rather than ‘sickening’, which the media had been hoping for.

In the video, a disguised man bragged that ISIS had attacked the stones with machetes. When this failed to work, they had shot at them, and then tried to set fire to them.
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by | · 11:15 am

Bono calls for system where citizens contribute money into central government pot to fund refugees

Bono enjoying a quiet moment of smug

Bono enjoying a quiet moment of smug

Many more Syrian refugees could be rehomed if Western governments introduced a system where citizens were forced to pay a portion of their income into a nationally administered central pot, according to Irish singer, activist, and thinker Bono.

“Refugees, hospitals, and schools, you name it, we could pay for it all if only the UK and other Western governments introduced a compulsory system to take money from its people” said Bono smugly.
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by | September 6, 2015 · 12:00 pm

Tai Chi ‘slowly evolving into PE’ say experts

tai chi

He’s barely broken a sweat.

The art of Tai Chi body movement may be very gradually evolving into PE. That’s the claim in a new scientific paper, jointly written by an expert in Darwinism and a PE teacher from Harold.

“Evolution is a very slow process at the best of times,” said Dr Joan Mirror, “so when you’re dealing with the evolution of something as slow as Tai Chi, you’re probably looking at hundreds of millions of years before the hallmarks of PE begin to emerge.”
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by | · 9:00 am

Teaching assistant overjoyed with new Ferrari

corsa rossa

Scuderia Corsa.

Single mum and classic car enthusiast Carly Jeffrey is delighted that she can now call her Vauxhall a Ferrari.

Carly has owned her Corsa for 6 years but has just legally rebadged it as an ultra-rare Ferrari 250GTO, after a surprise EU ruling on protected trademarks.

“Don’t get me wrong” said Carly “the Corsa’s a fine car – especially the 1.8 GSi with alloys and air-con as standard – but it’s always been my dream to own a £3M Italian supercar. Continue reading →

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by | September 5, 2015 · 8:11 am

Man shunned for not agreeing that the Krays were total legends

kray-twins1

The Krays twins: jailed for life at 35 when it turned out that taking tea with Judy Garland and being nice to yer old mum doesn’t let you off the hook for murder

Villager Sean Pavey was shunned by his drinking buddies last night after admitting that he didn’t think the Kray twins were brilliant.

“Everyone was going on about how awesome they were, proper old school and that,” Sean, 26, a mechanic at Pavey’s Auto-Spares told us. “All my mates were saying how cool the suits were and that what they did was top bants. Then I said but they were just two blokes who killed people and hurt a load more and everyone went quiet and said I was ruining it.” Continue reading →

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by | September 4, 2015 · 5:47 am

Dismay as Bono and Bob Geldof announce they’re releasing a song about refugees

gallery_98683_1_1360823927_18148285

Worst pantomime horse ever

The refugee crisis has taken a darker turn with the announcement that Bono and Bob Geldof are going to release a song about it.

“To people with nothing I offer the thing they really need: music,” said Bono. “I represent the refugees. They haven’t asked me to represent them. It’s cheeky but I hope they’re glad I do. I’m the man who said of Tony Blair and Gordon Brown ‘they are kind of the John and Paul of the global development stage, in my opinion. But the point is, Lennon and McCartney changed my interior world – Blair and Brown can change the real world’ what further proof of my expertise on politics and humanity do you need?” Continue reading →

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by | September 3, 2015 · 6:55 pm

Astonishment as Facebook posts don’t solve refugee crisis

00887IN02907

“And after I’ve had a cup of tea I’m going to eradicate polio through memes.”

As the refugee crisis worsens residents of Harold are shocked that their Facebook posts on the matter are having no effect at all.

“I wrote ‘Refugees Welcome’ in nail polish on a stone then put it in the front garden and uploaded a photograph of what I’d done,” estate agent Gill Gates told us. “It got loads of likes and shares but I just looked at the news and nothing’s changed. I don’t get it. Tonight I’ll put candles around it and then photograph that, maybe that’ll make the government take action.”

“You know that picture of the drowned little boy?” said local postman, Jack Thornley. “Well, I’ve been posting it every hour for twelve hours to make people think, yeah? I’ve also signed and shared that petition to get Sir Elton John to redo ‘Candle in the Wind’ but with lyrics about the refugees. I mean you’ve got to do something, haven’t you? Can’t just sit here and watch.” Continue reading →

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by | · 12:46 pm

Network Rail offers pre-emptive apology for disruption this autumn

"We're sorry if our apology seems insincere."

“We’re sorry if our apology seems insincere.”

In a move designed to scupper rail management critics, Network Rail operations boss Mark Carne has issued a full apology in advance of the unexpected disruptions to services this coming autumn.

“A sophisticated and coordinated attack on rail lines by foliage around November can be neither foreseen nor planned for, no matter how good your intelligence,” he said.

“I want to say a sincere and personal ‘sorry’ to all those commuters stuck in the middle of nowhere, who will have paid good money for the privilege.”

“I would also like to reassure our customers that we are doing all we can to prepare for the winter, but there is no climatologist alive can be expected to predict freak conditions causing snow on such an unprecedented scale. Again, I say I’m sorry.”
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by | · 7:00 am

Dave wins right to show BBC weather repeats

weatherman

Here’s some weather you might have missed.

The BBC’s extensive archive of weather reports has been bought by a channel for people with head injuries.

Dave, which repeats everything from topical news quizzes to old episodes of Crimewatch, can now exclusively show the BBC’s best guesses at what the weather was like a few years ago.

Making a welcome return to our screens will be John Kettley, Michael Fish, and the one with eyes like a horse’s before he had a beard.

The move is expected to be popular with people planning last year’s holiday.
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by | September 2, 2015 · 7:00 am

Grammar Nazi apostrophe hoard found under Polands mountain’s

grammar train

“We’re sure its their”, claims Sibilatelin.

An armoured train packed full of apostrophes has been discovered deep inside a Polish mountain. Abandoned their by a notorious group of grammar nazis, the train is the verb of much speculation.

Spoken of in hushed tones by those in the know, a handful of languages most persistent pedant’s have cleverly decoded obscure rules, that led to the trains discovery.

“The train doesn’t just contain apostrophe’s”, summarized grammar hunter Steve Sibilatelin. “Theirs also literally talk of a stash of ellipsises, semi-colons, and the long lost Oxford Comma.”
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by | September 1, 2015 · 1:00 pm

Waitrose introduces artisan traffic wardens

carpark waitroseWaitrose have added a level of sophistication to parking enforcement with the introduction of artisan traffic wardens.

Waitrose spokesman Clive Edmonds says its artisan traffic wardens will issue bespoke parking tickets catering both to people new to parking infringing and also to the serious connoisseur of overstaying.

“Our artisans will hand craft parking tickets in silver-rich pewter, individually forged according to a centuries-old formula, and then put them on customer’s windscreens when they are one minute late” said Edmonds.
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by | · 7:00 am

Can she do it? Tense crowds cheer Queen on to ‘longest reign’

queen record

Officials have roped off the Queen for the final stage of her attempt.

Crowds of fans are cheering the Queen around the clock, waiting for her to lunge over the line and set the record for Britain’s longest reign.

With just days to go, the public has joined officials from the Guinness Book of Records.  Sat on a chair with a look of grim determination on her stamp-like face, the monarch’s reign is timed at regular intervals while the crowds roar her on to the finish.

“COME ON QUEEN! YOU CAN DO IT!”, yelled a group from Harold’s WI. “DON’T FORGET YOUR TABLETS! KEEP THAT HEART PUMPING! GOWAAAAN YOUR MAJESTY, NEARLY THERE!”
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by | August 31, 2015 · 7:00 am

Ramsay Bolton tipped to replace Iain Duncan Smith at the DWP

At least this one's a smiler which is nice

At least this one’s a smiler, which is nice.

Following on from the release of figures showing how many people have died since being declared fit for work and the news that the UN is to investigate his welfare reforms, Iain Duncan Smith is set to resign in a matter of days and be replaced by Ramsay Bolton.

“Ramsay will be a worthy successor,” Duncan Smith said. “We have much in common as military men who share a similar outlook. Of course he’s got where he is today thanks to his incredibly wealthy landowning father whereas I’m completely different as I’d be nothing without my incredibly wealthy landowning father-in-law.” Continue reading →

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by | August 30, 2015 · 9:30 am

Man’s ‘great night out’ claim scuppered by failure to buy 3am kebab

kebab shopA local man’s claim to have had a ‘great night out’ was scuppered after it emerged there was no photographic evidence of him waking up with a half-eaten 3am kebab on his face.

Jason Mills shared numerous photos of his night out on Facebook, from a big session at the Squirrel Licker’s Arms to a vomit-covered selfie from a Dunstable nightclub disabled toilet. But his morning after euphoria soon evaporated when his brother posted ‘where’s the kebab?’
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by | August 28, 2015 · 11:00 am

Thousands turned away from Corbynland

corbynland

A charming trip down memory lane.

Up to 60,000 tourists have been refused entry to the deliberately grim attraction called ‘Corbynland’.

Some had waited patiently for over 30 years to visit the theme park, which features a nationalised railway for the ladies and a free lunch area for union members only.

“I got to the turn stile, and they asked me if I’d been to a rival tourist attraction before”, said Harold’s Phil Evans.

“I told them I’d been to a model village in Chipping Norton a few years ago, but it was very unrealistic. However, they said that was enough to get me barred from Corbynland.”
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by | · 7:00 am

Red Squirrels to be given self-defence lessons to repel Greys

"The next person to call me Tufty gets a whack!"

“The next person to call me Tufty gets a whack!”

After enduring decades of oppression from insurgent grey squirrels, the remaining indigenous red squirrel is being encouraged to launch a fight back against its natural enemy.

Far cuter than their fatter so called North American ‘cousins’, who invited themselves to Britain half way through the last war to assist in repelling the Nazi squirrel and never left, the bushy tailed red squirrel has retreated to the remote forests of the UK dreaming of the day when they will be able to play fearlessly with their nuts in public. Continue reading →

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