In an attempt to continue on the road to redemption, disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong has vowed to testify with ‘100% transparency and honesty’ to any doping inquiry. And to ensure he is on top evidence giving form, he will also be high as a kite.
“I want to make sure that I give these inquiries my best performance for the good of the sport” Armstrong told reporters. “To make sure I give them 100%, I have already started a programme of blood doping. It’s only fair.”
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He doesn’t mind racing in countries with human rights issues, but he won’t race south of the river
Following Sebastian Vettel’s fourth Formula 1 world championship win in India, a local taxi driver has launched a scathing attack on the German saying “driving round in circles in a 200mph car is easy, he should try the M25 on a Friday lunchtime in a Ford Mondeo filled with a fragranced cloud of Magic Tree vanilla.”
Claiming he could do better with his eyes closed, Tommy Alwright from Harold continued his verbal assassination of Vettel’s achievement by comparing the standard of conversation each driving professional has to endure.
“If all I had to do was get from one place to another with someone telling me my tyres are okay and that I just need to go round again, life for this ‘real’ driver would be a piece of piss. But you get Christian Horner to ask him if he’s been busy at the beginning of every lap and see how long it is before he cracks.”
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Who needs a V2 rocket when you have a hairdryer?
“Obviously we meant Sir Alex and not Adolf Hitler. Don’t get me wrong, Hitler was bad, but I’m not sure even he could have brought Roy Keane to tears, or thrown a boot at such a big star as David Beckham” said Sternberg.
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RACIST!!
Fresh from making a formal complaint about Roy Hodgson telling a joke about a monkey, Chair of the Society of Black Lawyers, Peter Herbert, has now set his sights on the nation’s zoos, who he claims also use the term. The decorated civil rights lawyer is insisting that any reference to monkeys is removed from signs and promotional materials or he will make a complaint to the police.
“To think that in 2013 people still believe that this is acceptable language is unbelievable. Some of these zoos have signs and even adverts that have clear racial overtones which, in the multicultural society we live, is frankly unacceptable.” said Mr Herbert,
“London Zoo, which is one of the biggest zoos in the country and employs many ethnic minorities, has an attraction called ‘Meet the monkeys’. This sort of casual racism is astonishing and my organisation will be lodging a police complaint if this is not renamed immediately.” Continue reading
New York. Not Hillsborough.
A pre-inquest hearing has been told that video filmed by police during the Hillsborough disaster “may have been edited”, after an audiovisual expert pointed out that the scenes were interspersed with outtakes from US sitcom Friends.
“The reliability of footage taken from handheld cameras used by police officers on that tragic day has been called into question after an independent expert claimed that there were no Friends actors in the stadium, nor did any of the events take place in the interior of the Central Perk coffee house.” explained Pete Weatherby QC, who is representing 21 victims’ families.
“Police officers present on the day maintain that they acted appropriately and with the public’s best interests at heart. A first viewing of the footage they have provided would seem to back this up, with one officer even single-handedly fighting off an attack by a heavily armed group of Nazi soldiers.”
The images have been cross referenced with BBC footage of the events and experts now claim that there were no World War II Nazi soldiers attacking the crowd on that day, despite what the police tapes appear to show. Nor was a small child rescued from a well inside the stadium.
“It was possible that there was an attack by time-travelling Nazi soldiers that was missed by the BBC cameras, and that there was a hidden well inside the stadium that nobody knew about, which a drowning child was heroically rescued from.” continued Weatherby, “But what has really cast doubt on the footage is the outtakes from Friends.”
“Given that the first episode of Friends didn’t air until five and a half years after the Hillsborough disaster we have reason to believe that the footage may have been subtly and skilfully edited.”
Some pit crews are reluctant to handle latest tyres
F1’s Bernie Ecclestone sounded cautiously optimistic after introducing a ‘random explosives’ feature at the Korean GP.
“Unfortunately, by mistake, the BBC had showed a short extract of MOTO GP on their F1 preview show. It was on for less than one complete lap but by then it was too late and our core audience had already seen more action than they expect in a whole season of F1.
The sponsors were naturally a little concerned and so, as an emergency ‘fix’, we agreed to deploy a number of small, secret incendiary devices on various cars to spice things up. All things considered it went quite well and we’ll definitely do it again.”
Nico Rosberg was the first ‘hit’ when his front wing disappeared in a spectacular shower of sparks. Sergio Perez then had a rather spectacular exploding tyre which, as an unexpected bonus damaged several other cars. This was closely followed by a fire in the mechanical gubbins of Mark Webber’s Red Bull.
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The village of Harold has stepped into the row about Qatar holding the 2022 World Cup by telling FIFA the village is ready to hold the competition should they need to change host.
“We already have the infrastructure in place” councillor Ronsson said. “And although like Qatar most of it was build using slave labour, ours was built a long time ago when slavery was acceptable so is actually of historical interest.”
Putting Harold’s case forward to take on the World Cup, Ronsson also pointed out several other advantages of holding it in the village instead of Qatar.
“We won’t need air conditioned stadiums as temperatures in Bedfordshire have never gone above 18.7C. We also have the Squirrel Licker Arms. Like many premises in Qatar it doesn’t have an alcohol license, but we have proudly turned a blind eye to that since 1984.”
The one concern levelled at village is the quality and quantity of stadia. Ronsson admitted that Harold Thursday’s ground was the biggest, holding up to 267 spectators. However he has said that can be increased to 534 if supporters are willing to sit on each other’s laps, something else that is allowed in Harold but frowned on in Qatar.
“For less important games we can convert the village green with some pop-up goals from Argos.”
Ronsson has said he thinks Harold’s bid should be enough to convince FIFA to move the tournament as it was delivered in a brown envelope with £1.3m in used notes.
He also noted that compared Qatar, any game played in Harold that goes to a ‘penalty shoot-out’ was less likely to involve a firing squad, a fact that should see the England team sleep a little better.
No I don’t play the piano, just give me the wire
“Obviously I am unhappy with being sacked, but my decision to buy all the piano wire in North East England is looking genius.”
Di Canio, who doesn’t play the piano, said he first realised his position was under threat when 30 strong groups of Sunderland fans started surrendering to lone policemen.
“It was clear the fans had lost their bottle, our chances of invading North Africa were pretty slim if we couldn’t slightly alarm the likes of Crystal Palace and West Bromwich Albion.”
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You could give us from now until the end of time and we’d still never be able to fold towels into swans.
Friends and family of a Famous Footballer’s last wife have expressed their gratitude and appreciation for his understated first honeymoon orgasm with his latest spouse.
“Big respect to the lad” said Carol Biggs’ father Darren, the former father-in-law of the Footballer. “I mean obviously he’d set up the live video stream and that, from the bridal suite upstairs. To be honest, down in the hotel bar, where he’d laid on a nice finger buffet, all of us watching the screens were a wee bit anxious as the big moment arrived.” Continue reading
Managers will have to dig their own dug outs
Stung by accusations of incompetence following the decision to play the 2022 World Cup Finals in the desert heat of Qatar, FIFA have responded by awarding the 2026 Finals to Antarctica.
“We’ve learnt our lessons from the Qatar debacle”, insisted Sepp Blatter, “so to avoid the higher temperatures of the summer months, the Antarctican matches will be played in the winter.” Continue reading
Bridge Over Troubled Water
Another village tradition was flushed away yesterday, as the Health and Safety Executive pulled the plug on Harold’s annual poo-sticks competition.
There were angry scenes in the lounge of the Squirrel Lickers Arms as villagers learned that the HSE deemed an integral part of their long-held harvest celebrations to be a risk to public health.
In a statement read out by Eddie, landlord of the Squirrel Lickers, the HSE claimed “While it is never our intention to axe age old village activities, it was felt that the particulars of the village of Harold’s unique take on this otherwise innocent past-time may give rise to a potential outbreak of diphtheria or typhoid. Not to mention the fact it made our inspectors lose their lunches. Continue reading
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Simple precautions for marathon competitors
Endurance whaling
Kamikaze diving (medals awarded posthumously)
Team Hari Kiri ‘self-fencing’
Small bore badger culling
Synchronised bowing
Welterweight Geiger counting
subo (pushing Susan Boyle out of the sumo area)
110 metres hentai
Samurai badminton
Synchronised Commuting, with train stuffing demonstration
Vole sexing
Relay bukkake
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September 8, 2013 · 12:48 am
No man is an island. And neither is Gibraltar (check this)
Top-dollar footballer Gareth Bale has been pressed into service by his Spanish owners – but unusually, he’s now playing in defence!
With Real Madrid relying so heavily on state aid from the Spanish government, it was inevitable Prime Minister Mariano Rajoy would want a slice of the action for his record £85 million deal.
And with no game more important than the political football that is Gibraltar, it was only a matter of time before Bale was working 18 hours a week guarding the border.
Looking spick and Spanish in his fetching new uniform, it’s the first time in a while he hasn’t had his name written on the back of his shirt.
The ‘Welsh Wizard’ has thrown himself into the task with typical zeal, even attempting to read the odd passport from the queue of adoring fans. But the ruse has worked even better than Rajoy could possibly have imagined, after Bale dived when a five-year old called him ‘a meany’.
That led to a stand-off and a rain of coins from the Gibraltans: confused Spanish officials first assumed they were trying to buy him back.
But with the chaos causing a tailback of some 5 and a half hours, Bale struggled to his feet and made his trademark ‘heart’ symbol.
While the player might be able to blame his actions on contractual obligations, his family back home aren’t too happy about his borderline behaviour.
They’ve been queuing for two days now following a shopping trip to Bristol. In a tit-for-tit response to the Spanish Bale-outrage, Cameron has strapped Fernando Torres into the only functioning toll booth on the westbound Severn Bridge.
I’ll give you £30m for Fabregas. No? Ok, £28m.
Over twelve hours after the transfer window closed it has emerged that David Moyes is still sat in his office making futile attempts to sign midfielders from Spain’s La Liga.
Having failed in an early summer bid to sign Thiago Alcantara from Barcelona, the new Manchester United manager turned his attention to failing to land Cesc Fabregas. After successfully seeing a number of bids rejected he then moved on to Ander Herrera from Athletic Bilbao, before turning in a late bid for Sami Khedira, and then going back to concentrating on Herrera not joining. Continue reading
The Prince sniggers as he thinks over his plan
As US endurance swimmer Diana Nyad yesterday became the first person to swim from Cuba to Florida non-stop and without the protection of a shark cage it has emerged that Prince Charles is encouraging his mother to make her own attempt at the epic 103 mile swim.
“Diana Nyad is a shining example of never being too old to chase your dreams,” said the Prince. “At sixty-four years old she has shown herself to be a remarkable athlete who has achieved something truly incredible. So I was thinking that Mater ought to pop down to Havana and give it a go.” Continue reading
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They’ll have him back in 2015 if devolution makes him officially Scottish.
Andy Murray has been disqualified from the US Open for being a tea-drinking surrender monkey as the backlash against Britain by the United States continues.
Since a House of Commons vote on Thursday resulted in no support for the use of force against President Assad’s regime in Syria at this time, the US has had to find a new poodle to yap for it at the United Nations and relations between Britain and the US are at their lowest point since the early eighties when we opened Cats on Broadway and they shot one of the Beatles. Continue reading
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Probably not worth a full pack of Quavers
It has emerged that the unnamed bidders hoping to rival Real Madrid for Gareth Bale’s signature were Nice ‘n’ Spicy Nik Naks Southern League Division Two club, Harold Thursday, who made an offer of £6.38 plus half a pack of Quavers.
The identity of the second club who have made a bid for Bale has not been officially announced by Tottenham but Manchester United have been linked with the player this summer. Speculation that the bid is from United would appear to be wide of the mark, however, with Harold Thursday confirming that it was their bid that Spurs are considering.
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Left Back in the past
Following discussions with human rights campaigner Peter Tachell, the Police have decreed that all chants and songs will be monitored to ensure that they are appropriate and politically balanced at all times.
Failure to adhere to the new rules could result in a ban and fans will be unable to travel to Brazil to support England in the World Cup. Not that they will be allowed to only support England as that would be biased which is strictly prohibited.
As the traditional “We hate Nottingham Forest” song is now outlawed, the Evening Harold has provided the following a new song for fans everywhere: Continue reading
Warning: this is what happens to your face permanently if you can’t talk about football without using the phrase ‘bread and circuses’.
Football haters got their season off to a strong start this weekend with all the main clichés being given a successful airing.
“I had done some pre-season training,” said local absolutely-not-a-football-fan Alex Gates. “Over the last few weeks if anyone’s mentioned football within earshot I’ve immediately inserted myself into the conversation and said ‘what it’s starting again already? But it’s only just finished’ accompanying that with a wry chuckle as if gently amused by the stupidity of everyone who isn’t me. This weekend I saw the benefits and was able to pull off the comment ‘it’s just a load of blokes kicking a ball around’ in a packed bar with the wry chuckle and a sneer of disdain. So I’m pleased with my performance so far.” Continue reading
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