Footballer praised for muted wedding night celebrations


You could give us from now until the end of time and we’d still never be able to fold towels into swans.

Friends and family of a Famous Footballer’s last wife have expressed their gratitude and appreciation for his understated first honeymoon orgasm with his latest spouse.

“Big respect to the lad” said Carol Biggs’ father Darren, the former father-in-law of the Footballer. “I mean obviously he’d set up the live video stream and that, from the bridal suite upstairs. To be honest, down in the hotel bar, where he’d laid on a nice finger buffet, all of us watching the screens were a wee bit anxious as the big moment arrived.”

“He had the same lovely technique as when he used to ride our Carol, which is only what you’d expect from a real pro I suppose. He even did his trademark step-over. You don’t lose that kind of skill.”

“But he’d been a ‘little less active in the bedroom’ towards the end of his marriage to our Carol. So after he’d scored tonight no-one could have blamed him if he’d done a couple of laps of the bedroom, twirling his pyjama top around his head and gurning at the webcam.”

“But instead of a fancy dismount, he just gave his new wife a gentle pat on the back and ruffled her hair before clambering off and giving a little wave to the camera. He looked a bit embarrassed to tell the truth. It was a touching moment. All the guys in the bar gave him a spontaneous round of applause and even Carol joined in.”

The Footballer had bought himself out of his former contract with Carol during the summer transfer window before moving to his current wife, in whom he says he would like to play out the rest of his career. Meanwhile Carol had been linked to a possible move to Ryan Giggs but as a divorcee she may be less attractive to the world-class philandering midfielder, who has previously preferred playing away with someone else’s wife.

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