The more wealthy among us can also use the Royal Bank of Mattress
In a speech at the University of London later on today, Labour leader Ed Miliband will criticise the current culture of banks being too big to fail and outline his plans for financial reform, a key part of which being that everyone should simply keep their money in a sock until this whole mess blows over. Continue reading
George Osborne has tackled Labour’s ‘cost of living’ argument straight on today but refusing to limit bankers’ bonuses, allowing them to continue to live to a standard they have become accustomed.
“I am not as out of touch as Labour would have you believe,” Osborne told a press conference.
“I am well aware that rising energy prices are making it difficult for people to heat their homes, especially when those homes include an eight-bedroom country manor and a Central London apartment.
“With fuel prices rising, we don’t want ordinary, hard-working people giving up their jobs because they simply cannot afford to get to work, and aviation fuel is almost as expensive per litre than some of the finest champagnes.”
The chancellor has been criticised for not capping the bonuses. Critics claim a million pound salary should be enough without another million pound on top.
But Osborne insists any cost of living crisis could be solved by letting bankers be rewarded for gambling.
“The larger the bonus given to my friends, the more I have to defend it,” Osborne continued, “and that should create enough hot air to heat the whole country.”
Hollande has experienced growth in certain areas.
Our reporter is at a press conference with the French President Francois Hollande. The President has stated he will not be drawn on the private matter of his alleged affair with a young actress:
Press: ‘Monsieur Hollande, your 75% higher tax rate looks set to reduce overall tax receipts, as the wealthy move their business interests to other European countries. Is political dogma more important than balancing the books?’
Hollande: ‘Please, please. It is too early to say qui will move in with qui, ou ‘ow much we might save dans les heating bills. That is a private matter between moi et un attractive actress 15 years plus younger than me. I want to focus dans le economy, not le exquisite firmness of her young, heaving bosom.’
Press: ‘The country’s credit rating was recently reduced for a second time. What are your plans to improve the cost of borrowing?
Continue reading
Owen, Sassoon, Brooke, …. Baldrick?
Officials behind the launch of a major initiative detailing lives of ordinary soldiers during the First World War were embarrassed by the discovery that they had mistakenly included the work of Blackadder character, Baldrick, in the achieve release.
The work, entitled ‘The German Guns’ and attributed to Private S.O. Baldrick, was actually written by the sitcom’s writers Richard Curtis and Ben Elton some 70 years after the end of the conflict. Elton was reported to be “delighted at the news” and friends said he was already checking to see if royalty payments may be due.
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What, NONE? Not ONE?
One week on from the relaxation of Eastern Europe travel restrictions, the anticipated flood of Romanians and Bulgarians is so noticeably absent that Britain has gone from feeling relieved to being distinctly offended. Far from struggling to keep people out, it seems entirely possible that the foreigners have had a good look at the UK and decided: “bugger that”.
With arrivals halls empty in airports across the country, the Daily Mail has already run an outraged front page story headlined “WHAT’S WRONG WITH US YOU BASTARDS” and senior politicians are nervously enquiring whether their breath smells, or something. Continue reading
Plan will also make The North more prosperous.
Nearly 100 Tory MPs have written to David Cameron asking for the UK to be repositioned in relation to Europe. Provisional thinking is for the UK as a whole to be moved 100 – 150 miles North-West into the Atlantic.
“The exact distance is subject to trial and error of course ” said Senior Tory Bernard Jenkin, who drafted the letter,”much the same as our financial plans for when we leave the EU. So, let’s say … far enough that we can’t smell the garlic, close enough they can hear xenophobic hectoring with a loud-hailer. Perhaps about 100 miles as a starting point. As a bonus we can use what’s left of the Tunnel to drain all our excess rainwater over to France. It’s probably their fault that it’s been so wet recently anyway.” Continue reading
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We hear Gove we picture Delores Umbridge, it’s like an illness. Does anyone know any centaurs?
Having re-imagined the slaughter of World War One as more fun than bubbles, Education Secretary Michael Gove today set his sights on the slave trade complaining that for years “a liberal elite has portrayed slavery in a negative light criticising Britain’s pre-abolition role in it simply because this country played a significant role in it.” Continue reading
White-collar workers of the world unite!
Tensions were running at fever pitch in the streets of Wimbledon and Godalming last night as middle-class unrest over seasonally-inflated Center Parcs pricing threatened to escalate into a frenzy of Facebook posting and near-audible tutting.
This being the time of year when the reasonably financially comfortable let their thoughts stray towards summer leisure, nice families like us across the country were shocked to discover they faced the stark choice of taking their children out of school a week early or paying a bit more. Continue reading
Hammond makes do with a paper cup. Again
Philip Hammond has admitted to confusion over the Ministry of Defence’s continual need to refresh its stock of brave idiots.
“What happens is this,” explained Hammond who, when in front of a drab background, has to jump around in order to be seen. “I make loads of soldiers redundant and then, for some reason, I have less soldiers than I need.”Sure, at Oxford I read philosophy and so sums aren’t my strong suit but even allowing for that, I’ll be honest with you, it’s a conundrum”.
Labour’s shadow education secretary Tristram Hunt, has announced a Labour government would reintroduce plans for a ‘teacher MOT’ but also go one step further and make it mandatory for them to also pay for and display a tax disc and hold valid insurance.
“The MOT will take place every 5 years and would look at a teacher’s ability to engage a class, their ability to educate children , and an emissions test” Mr Hunt explained.
“Health and Safety officers have also asked us to check the tread depth of their shoes and make sure levels of caffeine are being kept topped up.
On me head, son!
An Iraqi suicide bomber has apologised unreservedly for his “insensitive” decision to appear as a Manchester United player at a fancy dress party.
The anonymous Al-Qaeda fighter from Iraq’s western Anbar province wanted to make a humorous comment on the hopelessness of existence and the futility of life, and believed dressing up as a Man Utd player would be the perfect way to achieve this. Continue reading
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You’re nicked, me old beauty
Shortly before the House of Lords vetoed the new law which would criminalise “causing nuisance or annoyance to any person”, it emerged that the law has already been used once – to arrest David Cameron and all his government ministers.
The new law allows anyone to be arrested and sent to prison for doing anything annoying at all, and has drawn admiration from repressive dictatorships the world over, but few expected it to be used so quickly on such a high-profile victim.
Acting on a tip-off from a man in Hull, police swooped on Downing Street yesterday in ‘Operation Fuckknuckle’, quickly rounding up someone they described only as “A 47-year-old Prime Minister” and his gang of shady associates. Continue reading
At least the residents of Downing Street, whom many viewers have dubbed scum, are kept locked away from the rest of us.
Channel 4 is facing a viewer backlash over its documentary on benefits simply titled ‘Downing Street’. During the show residents of the eponymous street are seen allowing the UK to become the world’s number one haven for dodgy accounting and tax evasion which costs the economy billions a year and saying that in this time of austerity we’re all in this together while they themselves claim tens of thousands of pounds of taxpayers money in the form of MPs expenses despite being multi-millionaires. Continue reading
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Eric Pickles does his bit for flood defences.
The Environment Agency is poised to commence a new Government venture today in an effort to protect Britain’s coastlines from further flooding caused by the current storms battering the South West.
It has been feared that budget cuts will have severe impact on the department’s ability to respond to emergencies. However Environment Secretary Owen Patterson has responded to these claims with the announcement that Civil Servants will be used to replace traditional Sea Defences. “Inanimate, deadweight and wet, Civil Servants make the ideal replacement for the sandbags we can no longer afford.” he told the commons yesterday. Continue reading
“We have come a long way, but the job is not yet half way done”. These were the words of George Osborne’s hairdresser yesterday when talking about the now famous ‘Austerity Cut’ he has been working on for the past few months.
“We have gone some way with this cut but will need to complete at least a further £25 worth of cuts to get things looking a little bit more respectable,” he continued.
The MP for Harold, Spencer Chadwick, has had to admit trying to make his family seem “as common as constituents” by linking working class establishments to more upper class alternatives with a link of tunnels running under the village.
The Conservative member of parliament can often be seen posing for pictures dropping his children off at the gates to the local state school. However, the moment his children enter the school they are ushered away from the other children and taken through one of the tunnels on a chauffeur driven Segway to a £4000-a-term private school three miles away.
Safe pair of hands at first slip
Fresh from his announcement that World War One was actually a masterpiece of military planning, Education Secretary Michael Gove has now claimed that the Ashes tour was a ‘triumph’ for the England team.
“Left-wing defeatist commentators are trying to spread the myth that the Ashes tour was some sort of shambles, with under-prepared men sent to certain disaster by an out-of-touch elite,” he snarled this morning. “But let me tell you that good historians, such as myself, see the hostilities as necessary, and a price worth paying to show the Australians very clearly who’s the boss.” Continue reading
Bankrupt: morally, intellectually…
There was panic on the streets of Romanian capital Bucharest this afternoon as citizens braced themselves for an influx of BNP leader Nick Griffin who is heading there to look for work after being declared bankrupt at Welshpool County Count.
“We don’t want Nick Griffins coming here and taking all our jobs,” said IT consultant Ion Bâlan. “They behave in a disgusting way that is completely at odds with Romanian values, we do not want them in our city living off state handouts then going on our version of Question Time looking mad. The Romanian government should close the borders to such people.” Continue reading
In happier days, rearing sheep on the farm
In a move certain to shock the world of UK politics, Prime Minister David Cameron has taken advantage of the newly-relaxed EU work laws to announce that he is actually a Bulgarian immigrant named Binka Zhelyazkova. Cabinet insiders had long suspected that Cameron was of Eastern European extraction, but few realised that his privileged English background was totally faked and his family are in fact peasant otter farmers from the remote Targovishte Province.
‘Obviously until the law changed I couldn’t really admit to being a Bulgarian,’ the Prime Minister explained to journalists this morning. ‘It was very difficult to keep up the facade, the ‘фасада’ as we say in my country. Hopefully I can put this behind me now. And it’ll be a relief not to have to hide the otters.’ Continue reading
We probably should’ve used a picture of Nick Clegg for this but who would you rather look at?
Since May 2010 it’s been a national obsession and finally last night we were put out of our misery when just like BBC1 One’s Sherlock, Nick Clegg revealed how he faked his own death. While in Clegg’s case the death was political not actual it too required meticulous planning and gave rise to fevered online speculation.
Clegg was seen campaigning against tuition fees, scaring the bejesus out of everyone with his talk of a ‘Tory VAT bombshell’ and promising an increase in living standards plus taxes that would benefit the many not the few. He participated televised leaders debates with Gordon Brown and David Cameron coming across as possibly the least weird and Cleggmania happened. Continue reading
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