Hollande press conference: ‘focus on economy, not my young lover’s firm, supple breasts’


Hollande has experienced growth in certain areas.

Our reporter is at a press conference with the French President Francois Hollande. The President has stated he will not be drawn on the private matter of his alleged affair with a young actress:

Press: ‘Monsieur Hollande, your 75% higher tax rate looks set to reduce overall tax receipts, as the wealthy move their business interests to other European countries. Is political dogma more important than balancing the books?’

Hollande: ‘Please, please. It is too early to say qui will move in with qui, ou ‘ow much we might save dans les heating bills. That is a private matter between moi et un attractive actress 15 years plus younger than me.  I want to focus dans le economy, not le exquisite  firmness of her young, heaving bosom.’

Press: ‘The country’s credit rating was recently reduced for a second time. What are your plans to improve the cost of borrowing?

Hollande: ‘This is completely unacceptable, I will not be chienned by the press! I refuse to be drawn on ‘ow much credit I am given comme je mangez une pique-nique dans le madame-jardin. Now please, just political questions, if vous plait.

Press: ‘How do you respond to claims that our industries are stifled because they’re inefficient and employ too many people?’

Hollande: ‘Zut alors! You think I cannot ‘andle so many at once?  This obsession commes les anglais avec tabloid titillation must stop! What business is it of yours ou je place mon saucisse ou if it is usefully deployed tous les temps? I assure you, I do not shy from hard work et je can easily manage a trois.’

Press: ‘International markets are jittery about the future of French banking. What are your plans for inward investment protection?’

Hollande: ‘Protection! Mon dieu! It is no concern of vôtre if I deploy un letter anglais, avec flavour mangue, trois or quatre fois a night. Confine yourselves to des questions légitimes, s’il vous plait!’

Press: ‘Could you explain how much it has cost the French tax payer to provide you with security to escort you to your lover’s rendez vous?’

Hollande: ‘That’s enough! Can’t we talk about something else? When it comes to conversations about l’economie, we can learn a lot from les ros bifs. Isn’t it lovely weather we’ve been having?’

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