Can exercising for just two seconds a month transform your health?

After just two seconds a month, your head will turn into this charming timepiece

No, of course not.

It’s the most stupid idea ever, and will obviously do nothing more than persuade a generation of obese couchmongers that it’s OK to remain slumped on their fat arses doing little more than a half-hearted leg spasm once a month.

But I’ve got a book!

Or at least that’s what conventional wisdom would have you believe! But I’m the BBC’s Bob Mussolini, and I’m here to tell you all about the revolutionary quick-fix ‘fast exercise’ plan called High Intensity Training. This revolutionary quick-fix ‘fast exercise’ plan was launched recently in my book The Revolutionary Quick-Fix ‘Fast Exercise’ Plan for readers, and in the Daily Mail for everyone else, and has already virtually banished obesity from our shores.

Erection

Everyone agrees that getting more active will make you healthier and prolong your life. But exercise will also help you stop getting stuck in doorways, give you a fighting chance of achieving the occasional erection and reduce the risk of dementia, heart attacks, diabetes and dementia.

Sunny Delight

But how much exercise should you do? Scientists recommended 150 minutes of  moderate exercise a week, but most of us don’t do anything like that. The  most common excuse is that you’re all a bunch of feckless lazy gits stuck on your fat arses slugging Sunny Delight from the KFC bucket you’ve just emptied into your pit-like gobs a lack of time. That had certainly been my excuse, until I wrote the amazing claims in my book, The Revolutionary Quick-Fix ‘Fast Exercise’ Plan. 

Roger Bannister

The revelation came to me after examining the training regime used by Roger Bannister before breaking the four-minute mile. To cut a long story short, Bannister only exercised for two seconds a month, and he broke the four-minute mile. Really.

Cheating hound

I spoke to Lance Armstrong, the disgraced former seven-times Tour de France winner. “If only I’d known about this,” he lamented. “I wouldn’t have needed to take all those drugs, and everything would be cool. Unless everyone else was doing the two second a month thing of course, in which case I’d have needed to be drugged up to the eyeballs to beat them.”

Give me your money

So why not give it a go? It won’t work, but the idea of doing bugger all and getting fit is so attractive that you’ll all buy my book and I’ll be rich. So well done me! And when it doesn’t work and you’re still too huge to get off the sofa, you can always eat it – every page comes in pleasing chicken flavour – yum!