One week on from the relaxation of Eastern Europe travel restrictions, the anticipated flood of Romanians and Bulgarians is so noticeably absent that Britain has gone from feeling relieved to being distinctly offended. Far from struggling to keep people out, it seems entirely possible that the foreigners have had a good look at the UK and decided: “bugger that”.
With arrivals halls empty in airports across the country, the Daily Mail has already run an outraged front page story headlined “WHAT’S WRONG WITH US YOU BASTARDS” and senior politicians are nervously enquiring whether their breath smells, or something.
Eve Tin-Minor, a spokesperson from the Foreign Office, spoke of her concerns that the total number of arriving Romanians was confirmed to be ‘none’, but put a brave face on things: “So it’s been a week now, and frankly we’re a little disappointed. Yes, we made a bit of a fuss about the risk of them all coming over at once, and perhaps we overdid that a bit, but we didn’t expect NONE to come. That’s a bit hurtful, I suppose. I mean, none, really?”
“It’s lucky that so many BULGARIANS have come, yes. Yes, we don’t really need those Romanians, we have lots and lots of smashing Bulgarians, bless ’em.”
However, Bulgarian ambassador Konstantin Dimitrov was scornful of these claims. “None of my people come to stinking England country,” he explained. “Not one. Why we are coming here, not welcome. We go Majorca, nice sun is having. UK rain piss Tony Blair pig-dog. Thank you.”