Rhinos queuing up to apply for hunter goring licence


Rhinos practice the goring position.

A group of rhinos has successfully pooled its resources in order to purchase a hunter goring licence.

The thick-skinned creatures-of-habit have struggled to adapt to the modern world, and tend to blunder about destroying the environment without so much as an apology. ‘That’s why we want to gore one of the buggers’, explained a rhino.

Intitially the rhinos struggled to collect a turnip and the carcass of a wildebeest, before adding a burst armadillo a couple of days later.

But by pulling together, they soon managed to add a small hippo and a fairly sizeable rock, as well as a tanker containing 43,000 litres of gasoline which just tipped them over their financial target.

‘Nigel is currently favourite to use the hunter goring licence’, explained a fairly bland hippo from somewhere in the herd. ‘He wears on of them ‘falsies’ since he was trapped as a youth. But we’ll all be there in spirit, running the twat through with our bony face outcrops. It doesn’t hurt them, because they’re unfeeling monsters.’

The rhino went on to justify the slaughter, the proceeds of which will be used for conservation.

‘Amongst the herd, we tend to put a really high value on man guts, it adds a welcome splash of colour to even the greyest of our sort. And if you catch them ‘just so’ you can skewer them right through the ball bag. It’s widely believed that rubbing the penis of a floppy dead bastard on your nose acts as a powerful aphrodisiac.’

The herd is currently in discussions with David Attenborough, who is interested in buying the film rights. ‘If that’s not graphic enough for him, we’ll lay on a great big rhino orgy to help increase our population. He’ll definitely want to film that: we don’t mind giving him the horn.’

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