Fall crucifix, fall!
A number of welfare recipients say they now realise Cameron really was doing God’s work with his brave programme of benefit cuts teaching them to be self-reliant and entrepreneurial.
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Category Archives: Politics
Everyone invites David Cameron to unveil giant crucifix
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Filed under International News, Politics, Religion
Cornish people officially awarded ‘odd’ status
Sinister much?
The people of Cornwall were celebrating today after finally gaining official ‘odd’ status under European rules.
Following a campaign of sustained oddness for many years, this ruling gives the Cornish the same status as other ‘odd’ communities such as the Welsh and fans of homeopathic medicine.
Chief Secretary to the Treasury Danny Alexander made the announcement during a hurried visit to the county. At a press conference in Bodmin, his eyes nervously sweeping the crowd for for first signs of trouble, he spoke of his delight and nagging anxiety:
“Cornish people have a proud history and a distinct identity. I always get a strange feeling when I cross the Tamar going on holiday to Truro. Nothing you could put your finger on really, waiters spitting on my scrambled eggs, locals pissing in my petrol tank – a bit like going to Wales but without the welcoming smiles.” Continue reading
‘Want to get on? Then get a head start.’ Cameron tells youngsters
Not handed to me on just any old plate. It was solid silver, half an inch thick and this big
Poor qualifications may mean British youngsters losing out on jobs, fears the Prime Minister.
“My own father was good at Maths and English” he said yesterday “He could add up money and read tax law, which meant I had the qualifications to get into Eton College, after which it was onwards and upwards. If I have one question for aspirational young people, looking for opportunities today, it is this – do your parents have pots of money?” Continue reading
Nigel Farage changes name to ‘Garage’ to sound ‘less foreign’
Nigel Garage, the formerly French-sounding leader of UKIP, has been explaining to the press why he changed his name by deed poll.
Waving a little Union Flag and talking in cockney, Garage (now pronounced ‘garridge’) claimed that he was broadening his appeal to the sort of low-thinking, closet racist who won’t eat lasagne because it ‘sounds too foreign’.
“It always infuriated me that people in UK call centres had to ask me how I spelled my name”, said Garage. “But so far, they’ve had no problem with the new one. And I have to say, it does seem to be a rather apt choice. The last chap I spoke to said he ‘could just imagine driving his car into me’.”
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‘No ID, no checks’: how morally destitute man passed himself off as Daily Mail journalist
Mr Murphy also restocked the paper’s stationary cupboard.
A man with virtually no morals to fall back on posed as a journalist for the Daily Mail.
That’s the claim of a food bank recently cleaned out by the scrounger, who is described as ‘starving of empathy and quite heavily stained with chocolate.’
Simon Murphy walked into the offices of the newspaper and started typing out hate, after discovering that charities were giving out food to families that need it. Not one member of staff spotted that something was wrong, despite the rowdy ‘nomnomnom’ coming from his desk, or his continual complaint that they didn’t have couscous.
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Filed under breaking news, Economy, Politics
Axelrod accepts turd polishing job at Labour HQ
New Image: Ed slowly morphs into Milibama
The man behind Barak Obama’s successful run for the White House has travelled to London to meet Ed Miliband, and assess the enormity of his task.
There was initial embarrassment on Axelrod’s arrival when he pushed past a weedy inconspicuous doorman, only to be told that the insignificant underling was actually the man who he had to transform into the next Prime Minister in twelve short months. Continue reading
Death estimates ‘a little too specific for comfort’ say pensioners
Pensioners have complained that the government’s proposed new life expectancy guidelines are “worryingly precise” after volunteers for a pilot scheme were given exact details of the time and manner of their impending demises.
Really? Thursday? Well sod the library fines then…
All of the predictions came exactly true, leading to suspicions that the whole scheme was little more than an efficient and ruthless way to slash welfare spending.
“They told my Doris she’d live until last Thursday, when the brakes on her mobility scooter would mysteriously fail,” claimed Albert Renfrew, 104. “And lo and behold, if it didn’t only go and happen just like they said. Spooky, I call it.”
“The police said the cables do just snap cleanly like that sometimes, and they only look like they’ve been cut.” Continue reading
No.10 worried as Nigel Farage proves fitness for government by fiddling expenses
Or did he? Does this face say honesty and trust to you? We’re not sure.
There is consternation inside Number 10 today as Nigel Farage has finally proved his fitness to play a top flight role in British politics by fiddling his expenses (allegedly) and then adamantly denying that he’s done anything wrong. Continue reading
Filed under Politics
Now Osborne complains: “Evans asked for a Hand Out”
“You’re kidding!” Evans sees his lawyer’s invoice
Nigel Evans will not re-apply for the Conservative whip until he knows if his recent defence costs will be met by the CPS, say friends.
“Obviously, as a Tory, I’d be opposed to any increase in state funding, especially for defending alleged criminals” said the former Conservative MP.
“However, just as obviously, as a flesh and blood human being, I feel very hard-done-by and frankly, to quote my bank manager, ‘completely skint’”. Continue reading
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Filed under Law and Order, News, Politics
Local school regrets sending children home with ‘Clandestine Affair Bear’
Could you love a little bear? No, not like that
St Mary’s Primary School’s ‘Billy the Bear’ will no longer be taken home each weekend by one of the children. Following some unusually candid electronic diary entries by the popular cuddly toy, Harold Headteacher Alison Lee has reluctantly put the cuffs on little Billy until further notice.
“We’re a broad church here at St Mary’s but we’ve grounded Billy until he gets some intensive remedial education. We are also worried about a possible identity crisis, because he always logs in as ‘Janice’. Ms Lee highlighted several recent ‘Billy’s Diary’ entries that caused concern, including:
‘Siobhan’s mum is a liar. I went in a helicopter did I? Bollocks. She put me in the recycling bin twice and then vomited on my fur. I’d report her to social services, but they never take bears seriously. Especially toy ones.’ Continue reading
Filed under Around Harold, Education, Lifestyle, Politics, Sex, Technology
Don’t blame Me for your mess, Dave: Jesus denies all involvement in Cameron’s Big Society
A younger, bearded David Cameron standing up to the bankers. Or it’s Jesus being tremendous, we forget which.
In a speech that had many wondering if it was somehow still April 1st David Cameron claimed that he is doing the Lord’s work. Something which Jesus strenuously denies.
In his speech Cameron said: “Jesus invented the Big Society 2,000 years ago. I just want to see more of it.” Continue reading
Nigel Evans dropped by Tory party for not being involved in sleaze
Nigel Evans MP looks set to be dropped by the Conservatives for bringing the party into disrepute after being found not guilty of several sexual offences.
“We have a code of conduct in the party that MPs must follow,” Grant Shapps explained.
“That code makes it clear that sleaze allegations of sexual impropriety must be followed by a denial with their partner in front of their house, then an admission of guilt, a half-arsed apology and resignation in shame.
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Filed under breaking news, News, Politics
“Thanks for calling Samaritans. Press 1 for ‘I’m a bit sad …'”
We did find the ‘Samaritans’ logo but we really like them and couldn’t resist the irony of: ‘Tesco, Charity & Trust’
A recent Government announcement means a big shake up for all UK charities. “As a Conservative I detest the public sector as an article of faith but I loathe ‘something for nothing’ even more.” says charities minister Nick Hurd “So we’re nationalising bigger charities, before selling them on to friends, and generally buggering about with the rest. Sorry? Because we can, that’s why.”
Sadly, not all charities are easily monetised and Hurd cites Samaritans as the worst offender in this respect. “It’s almost as if the last thirty years of management analysis had simply passed them by. Basically they’re still just talking with people, which is plain daft and very labour-intensive”. Continue reading
Labour now call for Cameron to ‘back’ Michael Gove
With David Cameron’s unequivocal backing of Maria Miller leading to her resignation, The Labour Party are now calling on the Prime Minister also give his backing to Michael Gove.
“It’s in the whole country’s interest that Gove isn’t allowed anywhere near important education decisions,” Labour’s deputy leader Harriet Harman said.
“So to make sure he knows he is not trusted to be education secretary anymore we are asking the Prime Minister to make it perfectly clear, and give him his full backing.
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Filed under breaking news, News, Politics
Village becomes UK’s first Tony Blair exclusion zone
Tony Blair: massive threat to both village productivity and world peace
The village of Harold has declared itself the UK’s first Tony Blair exclusion zone after it was determined that he was having an adverse effect on productivity.
“We’ve lost countless working hours to Tony Blair,” said Harold’s mayor Rufus D. Jackson. “Every time he’s on the radio, TV or in the press pontificating about this, trying to start another war over that, people are unable to concentrate on their jobs as they have to vent about his hypocrisy and greed.” Continue reading
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Filed under Politics
Mrs Miller’s Tale: Chaucer manuscript found in local kitchen drawer
An expert from Sotheby’s has confirmed that a medieval-looking manuscript he found in the kitchen of a vegetarian restaurant in Harold is an authentic Chaucerian artefact from the mid-fourteenth century.
Restaurant owner Pippa Delaney was incredulous on hearing the news. “I can’t believe how long I’ve been saying I must sort out that kitchen drawer,” she said.
“Quaint little villages like Harold are full of priceless gems from yesteryear, tucked away in cupboards and attics,” said the Sotheby’s expert. “I just had a gut feeling in Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! although that may have been the lentil and three-bean soup.”
“Well, thank goodness he asked for a rummage in my drawers,” said Pippa, “I would have put that smelly scrap of paper in the bin for sure. The mustiness was bad enough, but the handwriting and spelling were a disgrace.”
Filed under Around Harold, Crime, Culture, Dating, Economy, Law and Order, Politics
Search ship picks up faint ping of remorse from Maria Miller
The international hunt for any trace of remorse from Culture Secretary Maria Miller over her false claiming of expenses received a boost with a search ship in the Indian Ocean recording a faint ‘ping’. However searchers caution that the ‘ping’ could just as easily be ‘regret for being caught’ as opposed to ‘remorse’.
The search has been increasingly frantic as experts say any vestige of remorse from Miller is likely to completely disappear in a matter of days. The search area is vast covering millions of square kilometres from the Indian Ocean to Basingstoke, with officials describing it as ‘like looking for a needle in 100 haystacks when you are not even sure if the needle exists’.
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Maria Miller’s handy guide to non-threatening phrase use
“Do you want some?” When offering tea
Have you ever been embarrassed when a finance director keeps on asking you to justify your expenses claim? Maybe you were busy doing important stuff and forgot to explain but telling him to ‘P*ss off’ is rarely wise.
Sometimes your own career simply hasn’t prepared you for the task. If, say, you’ve worked in advertising – making things up for a living – you might not realise that sometimes people are supposed to be open and honest. Continue reading
Cigarette ‘plain packaging’ to go ahead after successful trial on party leaders
The government has announced it is to push ahead with plain, dull and boring packaging for cigarettes after a decade long trial on party leaders.
“Back in the day when everyone was consuming politics it was easy to tell the difference between the main brands,” Public Health Minister Jane Ellison said.
“So over the last ten or so years we have been trying out the theory of ‘plain packaging’ of the party leaders, and the results are conclusive. Continue reading
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