Search ship picks up faint ping of remorse from Maria Miller

Maria MillerThe international hunt for any trace of remorse from Culture Secretary Maria Miller over her false claiming of expenses received a boost with a search ship in the Indian Ocean recording a faint ‘ping’. However searchers caution that the ‘ping’ could just as easily be ‘regret for being caught’ as opposed to ‘remorse’.

The search has been increasingly frantic as experts say any vestige of remorse from Miller is likely to completely disappear in a matter of days. The search area is vast covering millions of square kilometres from the Indian Ocean to Basingstoke, with officials describing it as ‘like looking for a needle in 100 haystacks when you are not even sure if the needle exists’.

While the ‘ping’ is a hopeful development, the hunt for Maria Miller’s remorse has already had more than its fair share of false leads due in part to navigational issues caused by Miller’s wildly inaccurate moral compass.

After planes spotted debris in the ocean consistent with Miller’s filing cabinet, ships raced to the scene. Unfortunately, rather than containing the elusive apology letters, the filing cabinets were just full of more duplicate expense claims. And when Maria Miller said she would apologise in Parliament, again hopes were high. But 32 seconds of self-serving weasel words later there were no traces of remorse, just smug self-satisfaction that she still got to keep most of her ill-gotten loot.

The Evening Harold attempted to interview Miller at her many properties but were thwarted by an impassable moat, and a snarling pitbull with a receding hairline named Cameron.

The difficulty in locating Maria Miller’s remorse has led to suggestions in how to improve the process in the future, with one novel but completely unrealistic idea being to equip all MPs with an internal black box called a ‘conscience’.

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