Put a ring on this Cameron.
Diminutive pot smoking, dragon baiting, hole dwelling dwarf fancier Bilbo Baggins has come out in support of the Labour Party for this year’s general election.
The pint sized adventurer has made a special video outlining why he believes Labour can win on trolling day 7th May 2015.
Comments Off on Bilbo Baggins throws his ring in with Labour.
Filed under Badgers, breaking news, Election 2015, Election 2015, Labour, Politics, Tony Blair, Uncategorized
At last, Flight Lieutenant Waggy-Tail can take a break
RAF Search and Rescue (SARF) have confirmed that they’ve called off the nationwide hunt for a Ukip policy that’s even vaguely realistic.
“The search has been a coordinated effort involving military and civilian professionals as well as dedicated volunteers,” said SARF Force Commander, Group Captain Abi McLean. “However the time has come to admit that all anyone’s found is unworkable nonsense and that there’s no chance anything sustainable and well-thought-out could’ve survived this long within Ukip.” Continue reading
Comments Off on Search for a coherent Ukip policy finally called off
Filed under Election 2015, Politics
“Nick! Nick! Nick!”
Gathering places all over the UK are today thronged with delirious well-wishers do due to the Lib Dems officially launching their election campaign.
“It’s what we’ve all been waiting for,” yelled a drunken reveller in the crowd at Trafalgar Square. “The Lib Dems on the streets, promising anything and everything so they can stay in power.” Continue reading
Comments Off on Lib Dems launch election campaign: nation consumed by joy
Filed under Election 2015, Politics
The road, the hole road and nothing but the road.
There are red faces in the Highways Agency following a rash of complaints from motorists about the large number of potholes appearing on Britain’s roads. Motoring organizations and MPs are blaming the Highways Agency after it was discovered that the lucrative road maintenance contract was awarded to an unknown firm called Integrated Expert Developments from the Islamic State. Continue reading
I’ll be off then…
Following David Cameron’s somewhat premature announcement that he would not serve a third term as Prime Minister, Labour Party leader Ed Miliband has controversially ruled out serving a first term. He reportedly came to this decision after studying opinion polls and talking to people.
Miliband tipped David Cameron, Home Secretary Theresa May, Chancellor George Osborne and London Mayor Boris Johnson as potential Prime Ministers, but admitted sadly that he personally was unlikely to be taking advantage of Downing Street’s lavish pair of kitchens any time soon.
“Terms are like Shredded Wheat,” explained Miliband to journalists. “I can’t even manage one. It’s just not going to happen, is it? Well, maybe if you poured milk all over it, but Prime Minister? Not bloody likely.” Continue reading
Comments Off on Miliband rules out serving first term
Filed under Election 2015
Nigel Farage has been secretly filmed begging the EDL to protest his lunch next Sunday by chasing him out of the pub.
“I’ve done nothing wrong,” he told us. “I was going to be seen sitting down with the EDL over a pint and getting them to drop the protest which would prove I can listen to opposing points of view and mediate. As long as those points of view come from white English men of course. Let’s not get carried away here.” Continue reading
Comments Off on Nigel Farage filmed asking the EDL to chase him out of a pub
Filed under Politics
Harold resident and owner of the village’s trendiest establishment with ‘Veggie!’ in its name, Pippa Delaney, has spoken exclusively to the Evening Harold about a nightmare she had on Friday morning during a brief nap at 9:30am where she dreamt she was voting Conservative.
Although the nightmare was purely in Pippa’s head, the lover of all things organic swimming in manure says the experience is one she will never forget, and hopes it is a once in a lifetime event.
“The dream was so vivid I remember it like it was real,” Pippa told us. Continue reading
Filed under Election 2015, News, Politics
Conservative party chairman Grant Shapps has used his Alter ego Michael Green to deny being Grant Shapps.
Speaking outside the party’s HQ he said: “I know I look like Grant Shapps, and I sound like Grant Shapps but I think it’s important that I separate my lying, dishonest business persona from my lying, dishonest politician persona in order to keep my integrity. Continue reading
With Labour seemingly reluctant to rule out doing a deal with the SNP to secure a coalition after the next election, the Conservative party have come under equal pressure to rule out doing a deal with the Devil to stay in power for five more years.
Speaking about his upcoming budget, George Osborne was asked whether doing a deal with the Devil would be a line the Tories were willing to cross.
“Obviously it is our intention to win the the election outright,” Osborne said, “but should the situation arise that the only way we can get across the line is to make a pact with the leader of Hell then so be it.
Continue reading
Comments Off on Tories refuse to rule out deal with the Devil
Filed under Election 2015, News, Politics
New evidence that Nigel Farage may indeed be colour blind
UKIP will scrap laws preventing racial discrimination at work, says Nigel Farage.
Asked if he would retain a ban on discrimination on the grounds of race or colour, he said: “No, as a party we are colour-blind. Luckily, we can still make out light and dark shades.”
Comments Off on Nigel Farage ‘not sure’ if he’s ever met a black person
Filed under Election 2015, idiots, Politics, TV
The government is to trial putting a spy into every house in Harold to listen in to every conversation so they can be sure you are not an ISIS.
The plans, which if successful will be rolled out across the country, will see an agent from MI5 or GCHQ put into the corner of every living room in the village disguised as a standing lamp holding a laptop in a bid to be unobtrusive yet able to note down your every word.
Continue reading
Comments Off on Government spy to be put in every house in village
Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics
Caption competition: what’s Alex James thinking? Tell us on our Facebook page
David Cameron is today full of praise for his close friend, Jeremy Clarkson, for distracting the media in the run up to the election.
“I’m indebted to the man we’ll all soon be calling Baron Clarkson of Chipping Norton for proving yet again that people don’t really give a toss about politics but if you criticise any element of their favourite distraction then the internet’s flooded with comments and petitions before you can say change.org.” Continue reading
Comments Off on ‘Cheers, mate’: Cameron thanks old pal Clarkson for distracting press
Filed under Election 2015, Entertainment, Politics
With the negotiations about a TV debate now more complex than the F1 rule book, politicians have been forced to seek sponsorship.
A particularly shiny PM was wheeled out to waiting fans, who couldn’t wait to tweet his new livery and nose around his rear. A precocious splitter was spotted, later identified as rival Nigel Farage, resplendent in traditional British Racist Green. Farage then held proceedings up braying about how nothing on earth would make him take ‘a Pole position’.
Continue reading
Comments Off on ‘Will dissemble for cash’: Party leaders seek debate sponsorship
Filed under Election 2015, Politics
Tony Blair helping some children, yesterday.
A children’s charity that presented Tony Blair with a Legacy Award has blamed the mistake on associations with a group advocating childhood bombing.
“Save The Children” is traditionally linked with preserving and improving the lives of children, a move clearly at odds with the achievements of the former Prime Minister.
“Sadly, we have somehow become entangled with the organisation “Bomb The Children”, admitted spokesman Eric Blunkett. “A charity that works tirelessly to drop heavy ordnance on towns and villages where young people live.”
“We’re not sure how this mistake happened, but on reflection we’ve agreed that bombing children is a mistake. Our latest research suggests it’s almost entirely detrimental.”
Continue reading
How the Palace of Westminster will look by July if we don’t all stump up some serious coin.
Like the principles of its incumbents the Palace of Westminster will soon be abandoned, as a study has revealed it to be rotten, hopelessly outdated and not fit for purpose insert own ‘just like most MPs’ comment here.
Commons Speaker John Bercow said in a speech that Parliament could move from the building permanently “unless management of the very highest quality and a not inconsequential sum of public money are deployed” putting the figure at £3bn. Continue reading
Comments Off on Parliament is rotten to the core, so is the building: £3bn in repairs required
Filed under Politics
Prince William has arrived in China to help strengthen trading ties with the UK, and to see how the ‘new royal baby’ merchandise is coming along.
Visiting a sweatshop on the outskirts of Beijing, the second in line to the throne inspected a new range of plates, tea towels, and baby lizard toys that should be ready in time for the birth of his second child.
Speaking at the sweatshop, wearing a high visibility protective line of bodyguards, the Duke of Cambridge commended the employees on their work ethic.
“I’m grateful these workers are putting in 18 hour days in appalling conditions just to put my wife’s face on a plate” the prince said. “George had only just starting walking at their age”
Continue reading
Vladimir Putin’s wide ranging and extensive investigation has concluded the murder of ex deputy prime minister and his political opponent Boris Nemtsov was probably carried out by Professor Plum, in the Library, with the lead pipe.
Speaking to reporters, Mr Putin said: “I have looked at all of the clues, all the evidence and had a sneak peak at the special envelope containing the cards and it all points to it being Professor Plum and definitely not the KGB, from the Kremlin, with a Kalashnikov. Continue reading
Comments Off on Putin’s investigation into opponent’s assassination concludes it was Professor Plum, in the library, with the lead pipe
Filed under International News, News, Politics
Miliband in his “idiot” costume
Ed Miliband is to set out Labour’s plans to cut university tuition fees, funded by a sponsored fun run around the area of Westminster.
Universities UK has warned that limiting the fees to £6,000 per year, instead of the current £9,000, would leave a £10bn funding gap. Mr Miliband, however, is confident that he can raise this figure by asking people to sponsor him to run 5 miles around the streets of Westminster, while dressed as an idiot with a severely limited grasp of economics. Continue reading
Despite setback, Bennett vowed to continue her work as a wind-up merchant.
Green Party leader Natalie Bennett has apologised for a low-energy interview, and laid the blame on a carbon-neutral microphone.
“When I agreed to be interviewed on the radio, I insisted that they use our own, planet-friendly equipment”, explained Bennett. “It isn’t quite 230 volts but I told them it doesn’t matter because my voice is quite shrill.”
A sound engineer from LBC told us he was rather taken aback by the clockwork equipment.
“When she handed me the microphone, I said ‘is this a wind up?’ She said it was, and demonstrated how to turn the handle.”
Continue reading
Comments Off on Green party blames interview fail on wind-up microphone
Filed under Election 2015, Politics
Got any change Mister?
Part-time politician, charmless Thatcher leftover Sir Malcolm Rifkind, apologised today for having told the truth yesterday, when insisting he was ‘entitled’ to more than an MP’s salary of £67,000.
“Quite by mistake, I said what I really believed. I now realise that made me look like a twat. A privileged Tory with my head so far up my bottom that I only see the light of day when I reappear from my own throat. I do hope that clears things up.”
When questioned about his comments on Channel 4’s Dispatches programme, Sir Malcolm Rifkind explained his remarks had been taken out of context. “Yes, I did say I’d a surprising amount of free time, was self-employed and that no-one payed me a salary. But the context was that I’d forgotten I was an MP; a simple error of judgement. Haven’t you ever forgotten that you work for the Telegraph?”
A former political adviser to Sir Malcolm gave her reaction to his decision to stand down as an MP to BBC News: “I have to say there’s huge respect that he’s done the honourable thing … no, I’m sorry … can we take that again?
Filed under breaking news, Election 2015, Politics
You must be logged in to post a comment.