RAF Search and Rescue (SARF) have confirmed that they’ve called off the nationwide hunt for a Ukip policy that’s even vaguely realistic.
“The search has been a coordinated effort involving military and civilian professionals as well as dedicated volunteers,” said SARF Force Commander, Group Captain Abi McLean. “However the time has come to admit that all anyone’s found is unworkable nonsense and that there’s no chance anything sustainable and well-thought-out could’ve survived this long within Ukip.”
As exhausted searchers from South Thanet to Boston & Skegness are stood down a handful of die-hards continue to insist that Ukip is capable of more.
“Politics is a complicated, time-consuming business,” said a random bloke who gave his name only as Nigel Farage. “To be honest it’s hard to find Brits who want to put the hours in. If Ukip got in a few Eastern Europeans then there’d be a decent manifesto written up in no time. Hang on, now I’m confused. Another round, anyone?”