Category Archives: Politics

National Rail will stay shit ‘for the foreseeable future’

ministeamtrain

Rail development in the North is being shelved for a few years

Plans to make rail travel bearable were ‘overly ambitious’ admitted transport minister Patrick McLoughlin yesterday, from the back of his official Jaguar.

McLoughlin explained how, with the election over, there is now no  immediate need to have northerners clogging up platforms and corridors with their whippets and homing pigeons.

“That’s it for the Northern Power-house for the time being” he chuckled “Northern Shite-house more like. Have you seen the way Jaguar ruche their leather seats on the new models by the way? Great to run your fingers over.”

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Filed under News, Politics, Travel

“Moo about it being ‘totally unacceptable’ then just sit back down”: Cameron’s Calais plan in full

game-thrones-season-5-spoilers-white-walkers-hardhome

To be fair to Calais police some of these chaps who are intent on getting into the UK do seem a bit highly strung. We wouldn’t want to tackle them either.

  1. Blame the French.
  2. Moo about it being ‘totally unacceptable’ then just sit back down.

  3. Never mention that under the Coalition the Border Force had 20% slashed from its budget and its workforce reduced by 5,200. Continue reading

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Filed under Politics, Uncategorized

Gove on outdated legal system failing the poor. “Hang on, that’s my job!”

michael gove again

One thing I learned as Minister for Education was…err…

Letting down the poorest in society should be left to politicians with a proven track record of doing so, thinks Michael Gove.

“If there’s one thing I learned as Education Secretary… two, take away one … yes one thing” said the justice minister yesterday “it’s that you can’t simply let so-called professionals run things. A politician like me, with a fresh new approach – pardon?- well yes, untrammelled by previous experience in the field is another way of putting it – can often makes things better.”

Mr Gove is particularly concerned that there are effectively  two systems of justice in the country. “One Gold Standard, for the rich and well connected and another for those without financial means or influence. That is completely unacceptable to this Conservative government and we will now consign it to the history books”.

“We will rationalise things to create one simple, uniform system across the country.” he promised his audience, adding with a flourish “My predecessor Chris Grayling made a good start by slashing legal aid and decimating support services for domestic violence victims; it now falls to me to finish the job and do away with justice for the poor altogether.”

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Filed under Law and Order, News, Politics

George Osborne now using n-word in every speech

osborne

“I’m going to pop a cap up your bottom.”

George Osborne has dropped the n-word in a string of speeches, after being impressed by Obama’s use of the forbidden term.

A group of school children from Dunstable were the first to hear the chancellor’s latest attempt to talk ‘street’, and roundly condemned him for doing so.

“It’s not a word most kids would dream of using”, said 14-year old Samantha Bacon. “It’s revolting really; a real symbol of past oppression.”

The queen seemed nonplussed when a state dinner was n-bombed by Osborne, but Prince Philip barely batted an eyelid.
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IDS denies accidental humiliation of disabled man: “No accident, it’s what gets me up in the morning.”

Iain Duncan Smith laughing

“That’s made my day!” IDS hears claimant really does have multiple sclerosis

Iain Duncan Smith has defended his department’s humiliation of Nick Gaskin, who cannot walk, talk or feed himself.

“It’s a well known fact in my head that benefits scroungers pretend to have multiple sclerosis, constructing elaborate facades by being fed and toileted by an army of well-meaning but frankly gullible carers.”

DWP officials repeatedly asked Mr Gaskin to attend a Jobcentre interview or risk his benefits being stopped. “We were pretty sure he was a wrong’un.” says IDS “When the potential consequences were explained to Mr Gaskin during a home visit, he just sat there blinking, so we clearly had him rattled.”

Nick Gaskin, from Leicestershire, was diagnosed with primary progressive multiple sclerosis (MS) 16 years ago. He needs round-the-clock care and can only communicate through blinking.

“So what?” asked IDS “I need round the clock care myself. In fact we have a dedicated DWP unit just to follow me round and sweep up the shit I make up. And I can’t actually feed myself either – not on a Ministerial salary.”

“But you don’t see me queuing up with a begging bowl and shall I tell you why? Well, yes, living rent free in a mansion on my father-in-law’s estate helps, but this isn’t about me. Don’t change the subject.”

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Harold Mayor ‘outed as white’ by his own family

Minstrel

Rufus D Jackson in his mayoral robes

Harold Mayor and one time US movie star Rufus D. Jackson has been ‘outed’ as a white man by his parents.

Derek & Rita Jackson wrote to The Evening Harold from their home in South Yorkshire, alleging that Rufus has been falsely portraying himself as black for many years.

We spoke with Derek, a retired duck farmer, and Rita, a former nursery nurse. They told us that Rufus was born Richard Derek Jackson, and began blacking up in 1972 in order to break into the blaxplotation film industry. Rufus enjoyed a successful movie carer, staring in many films including Black Knuckle Sandwich, Black Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, and Black Fruit Punch, before returning to the UK to pursue his love of local politics.

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How will PM point at a fish this year? Nation consumed by suspense

Camerons in Aljezur

2013: The classic point-with-the-left-wife-on-the-right combination

web-cam-fish-getty

2014: Mixing it up with a right-hand point and left-hand wife

As the temperature rises and thoughts turn to holidays there is just one question on everyone’s lips: while posing for a chillaxed photo in Cornwall or Ibiza this year, will Dave point at a fish with his left hand or with his right?

“I can’t sleep, I’m so excited,” said Harold Mayor, Rufus D Jackson. “Left or right? Samantha looking bored as hell or Samantha looking disconcertingly submissive? I have to know.” Continue reading

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Banks to look into FIFA accounts, looking for tips

imageBritish banks are to have in depth investigations in suspicious FIFA account to see if there is anything they can learn.

A spokesman for Barclays said: “It is looking like FIFA may have had some dodgy dealings happening through their accounts for the last 25 years. That’s impressive in anyone books, and we know about dodgy books. Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics, Sport

“We have no Russian-style travel ban list”, clarifies Hull

Hull - justifiably proud of its plentiful parking

Hull – justifiably proud of its plentiful parking

Hull City Council today reassured potential visitors it has no travel ban list, and there is absolutely nothing whatsoever stopping people visiting Hull’s many attractions.

“No tourists have visited Hull in the last two years and it suddenly occurred to us that perhaps people thought we had a travel ban list” said the Lord Mayor of Hull Mary Glew.

“I think many would-be tourists were so excited about the prospect of visiting Hull, they just didn’t want to take the risk there was some sort of secret ‘banned list’ that would scuttle their holiday of a lifetime.”
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Filed under International News, Politics

Send in the bears! Osborne plans to outnumber SNP with pandas

panda box

Pandas only too keen to leave Osborne’s ‘man cave’.

George Osborne has demanded that England’s emergency supply of pandas are opened, and sent to Scotland to outnumber SNP MPs.

The plan was hatched during a hastily convened COBRA meeting, following yet another quip from Nicola Sturgeon that ‘Tory MPs are outnumbered by pandas in Scotland’.

“We’ve heard that one before”, said Osborne. “In fact this is the 148th time it’s been recorded in Hansard. I’m buttocked if I’m going to let those bummers repeat it again.”
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Theresa May: ‘Actually, we are planning to send three-year-olds to jail for not eating dinner’

jail

Start ’em young

Home Secretary Theresa May has called on UK police to end a social media campaign against scaring children with threats of prison, pointing out that this is actually a key part of the Conservatives’ new law enforcement policy.

Durham Constabulary has published a poster on its Facebook page urging parents not to tell their children that if they refuse to eat dinner the police will take them to prison. The police believe that this will only instill a climate of fear and mistrust of the law from an early age.

However, the Home Secretary has pointed out that the proposed 2016 Law Enforcement, Juveniles (Dinner) Act will specifically make not finishing vegetables a criminal offence for children as young as five. “Five” referring here to days, of course. Continue reading

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Filed under Police, Politics, Social media

Ed Balls rules out early return to politics ‘with current personality’

ed scruff

Unpopular, even in his own shaving mirror.

Ed Balls has dismissed suggestions that he might return to frontline politics, given his current persona and the way he interacts with humans.

Balls, a man with a face like a bottle bank (in that you’re inclined to shove bottles in it), revealed that he’s happy to spend ‘the next month or two’ in the storage unit his wife has paid for.

“Obviously I’m brilliant”, revealed Balls, “but not everyone ‘gets’ me. For instance, the tumble dryer I’m stored with recently caught fire. In a storage unit. With no power supply. The engineer said it was suicide, which is unusual for an appliance.”
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Len McCluskey warns Labour to be the ‘voice’ of Len McCluskey

LenLen McCluskey has warned the Labour party that it needs to do more to appeal to Len McCluskey, or face the withdrawal of Len McCluskey’s money.

“As a ‘worker’ in a grand office and a six-figure salary, I don’t see what the Labour party has to offer people like me any more”, said Len McCluskey.
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Conspiracy theorists frustrated by bland ‘Black Spider’ letters

princecharles

The slippery bastard didn’t even ask for any paternity tests.

People who assumed Prince Charles was some kind of Machiavellian monster have been irritated by the sheer banality of his letters.

Published under the Freedom of Information Act, the previously secret letters contain nothing more than balanced, intelligent advice.

“It’s annoyed me, I just assumed we’d dig up some dirt”, said paranoia expert Nigel Lampoon. “But it’s all ‘Thanks for supporting my kid’s charity’, ‘please give our soldiers proper equipment’, and ‘I’d quite like to save the albatross’. The inconsiderate bastard.”
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Filed under Politics, Royals

Miliband still waiting for Labour to reject his resignation

We Might As Well Be Strangers

We Might As Well Be Strangers

Aides close to Ed Miliband have depicted him as a broken man desperately believing that his beloved Party will call him and reject his resignation as Leader following last week’s General Election.

“People don’t realise the sacrifices Ed has gone through for the cause,” said close confidant, Cath Drucker.

“The poor man is still combing nits out of his hair after that interview with Russell Brand, Continue reading

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Filed under Election 2015, News

Alan Sugar suddenly remembers he’s a capitalist

alan sugar

Sir Alan embraces his first love.

Ruthless capitalist and renowned heartless bastard Alan Sugar has just realised he shouldn’t be in the Labour party.

“I don’t really make anything these days, I just rely on my assets to generate money’, said the ex-Labour peer. “Which is why I have so much more in common with the SNP.”

Sugar is best known for surrounding himself with idiots and then firing them one-by-one: a management model much admired by UKIP.

He is one of Britain’s greenest entrepreneurs, with fewer than 5% of his products being switched on by customers, after the first twenty minutes of ownership.
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Miliband, Farage, Clegg, and Balls form Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young tribute act

Ed MilibandAfter what they say is a ringing endorsement from the British public, Ed Miliband, Nigel Farage, Nick Clegg, and Ed Balls have formed a Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young tribute act.

“The people have spoken, and what they said was rather than govern the country, we want you to keep the flame of folk music alive in small intimate venues and the occasional low-key festival” said Ed Miliband. “It is quite an honour – I can’t wait till our first gig in what they call a ‘public house’ in Harold.”
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Filed under Election 2015, Election 2015, Politics

Lib Dems ask for one more vote on out of work benefit reform

image Jobless former Liberal Democrat MPs are asking for just one more vote on benefit reform before their first appointment at the job centre on Tuesday.

Speaking after losing his seat to the SNP, Danny Alexander said he can now see the dangers of reducing benefits for those who find themselves out of work and thinks now would be a good time to reverse the cuts and sanctions he once supported.
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IDS joy: “five more years to kill”

Iain Duncan Smith laughing

Iain and Iain looked at the election results and saw that they were very good

Emerging from the cupboard he’s been locked in throughout the election campaign Iain Duncan Smith has declared himself anxious to return to his “great project”.
“During the last Parliament I declared that anyone could live on £7 a day,” he said. “I reckon I can get that down to at least two quid before I’m done.”

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For Sale: Dead Weight

Stoned

Stoned

For Sale: Large public relations disaster inscribed with unconvincing and non specific half promises.

Would make the perfect gift for the former shadow chancellor in your life as he prepares for his new job as a landscape gardener, or simply to use as a swimming aid.

One previous owner. Selling due to lack of conviction and revised career plans. £9.00 ovno.

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Filed under Badgers, Election 2015, Election 2015, idiots, Labour, Politics, smallads, Tony Blair, Uncategorized