National Rail will stay shit ‘for the foreseeable future’


Rail development in the North is being shelved for a few years

Plans to make rail travel bearable were ‘overly ambitious’ admitted transport minister Patrick McLoughlin yesterday, from the back of his official Jaguar.

McLoughlin explained how, with the election over, there is now no  immediate need to have northerners clogging up platforms and corridors with their whippets and homing pigeons.

“That’s it for the Northern Power-house for the time being” he chuckled “Northern Shite-house more like. Have you seen the way Jaguar ruche their leather seats on the new models by the way? Great to run your fingers over.”

In the run-up to the election, rail development plans featured large in in Tory rhetoric but for some strange reason, most funding vanished from the government books on 8th May. “The key routes affected are Trans-Pennine and York-Manchester but we’re not abandoning those plans” he assured “merely shelving them. On the shelf labelled ‘Run-up to 2020 election campaign. Jokes/ Bunting/etc’

Work on Great Western main line, which serves constituencies unexpectedly won by the Conservatives in 2015, will go ahead without delay.

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