A Dunstable based environmental protest group disbanded in chaos when it emerged that every single member was an undercover police officer. The group had been camping together in the kind of manky field you’d only put a donkey in if you wanted to make it terribly unhappy to protest about its forthcoming redevelopment as a McDonald’s but they quickly became suspicious of one another’s motivations. Continue reading
Category Archives: News
Travel agent to start asking about your next haircut
A travel agent in Harold has left customers confused by their new approach to customer services, killing the quiet moments by asking inane questions.
‘The Salon Method’ as it has become known was started by Sally Bun, manager of Harold Travel. “During a recent wash and colour, my hairdresser asked me about my holiday” she explained.
“I told her I was going to Spain. This was the cue for her to spend the next half an hour telling me about how she had been to the same resort. She went there with her best friend and came back with Chlamydia. It was a great way to fill the awkward silence.”
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Local council to use potholes to ease graveyard overcrowding
With the number of available graveyard plots critically low, and the amount of potholes raising, a local council in the village of Harold have decided to cure the two problems with one easy solution. Any body looking to have a funeral at a reduced rate can choose to be buried in a pothole.
“This idea solves so many problems” Councillor Ronsson told us, “Graveyard don’t fill up, potholes get filled in, and the remaining family aren’t left having to find the money for a proper funeral.
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Uncategorized
Confusion at G8 summit as leaders misheard question to describe an ‘international bust-up’
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June 18, 2013 · 5:51 pmAssad dismisses Syria conflict as ‘playful tiff’
President Assad of Syria says images of entire towns reduced to rubble, thousands of murdered civilians and over a million refugees fleeing the country show “a playful tiff”.
“The pictures certainly look horrific but they give a far more drastic and violent impression of what took place than is really true.” claimed Mr Assad, “A couple of years ago I started to have an intense debate with sections of the Syrian population about the way that I was running the country.”
“What the pictures show is not my forces murdering defenceless civilians, but merely me attempting to emphasise my point that I’m doing a great job thank you very much.”
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Filed under News
Talking Heads’ ‘Road to Nowhere’ found in village
In a desperate attempt to boost local tourism, the village of Harold has decided to institute a Rock ’n’ Roll Trail by renaming several local features after classic music tracks.
The idea after a planning committee met to consider a name for a path which leads out of the village with no apparent destination. “It’s very old,” said committee chairman, Eileen Remnant, 76, “but no one has a clue where it used to go to. It just fizzles out at the top of a slope.”
“When I joked that it was a road to nowhere, Councillor Cummerbund pointed out that this was title of a hit by a pop group apparently called The Talking Heads. Then the idea of naming other village places after popular songs and groups grew.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Lifestyle, News
GCSE exams to be graded using ‘smileys’ :(
With grades going from 😀 at the top end, down to 🙁 for those who have done less well, the visual representation will be easier for future employers to understand, and also gives a gentle way of informing less bright kids that they have proven themselves to be a bit thick. Continue reading
Cameron and Putin call for Syrian peace with straight faces.
British Prime Minister, David Cameron and Russian President, Vladimir Putin have said although a meeting between the pair may have highlighted the ‘huge difference’ between their approaches to Syria, they both shared the same goal of ‘ending the killing’ in the country.
Mr Cameron, who was one of the loudest voices for ending the arms embargo on Syria, told the joint press conference that the situation could only be resolved through political and diplomatic means.
This was a view shared by his Russian counterpart. Mr Putin, who has armed the Syrian government with advance anti-aircraft missiles, believes getting all parties around the negotiating table was important. However the Russian did say that both the Syrian rebels and government force had ‘blood on their hands’, which may open the door for some lucrative cleaning product contracts. Continue reading
Thrifty couple shave pounds off Virgin space flight by taking own soup
An elderly couple from Harold are looking forward to a ‘once in a lifetime’ holiday in space, after negotiating a discount for taking their own food.
Until now, VirginGalactic has insisted on providing its own nutritionally-maximised, dehydrated meals, but they hadn’t reckoned with Joan Hambleton’s stubborn insistence on behaving as if there was still a war on.
Joan and her husband Malcolm have long dreamed of travelling into space, ever since they watched the moon landing on a neighbour’s television. “We used to borrow their newspaper as well, they often threw it away when there was still some reading left in it”, said John.
“When we read that man would land on the moon, I just knew Malcolm and I would echo NASA’s achievements some day. But only after we’d made some awkward, bloody-minded cost-savings to show everyone how thrifty we are.”
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Filed under Around Harold, News, science
Private prison catchment area sees criminals lying to get admittance
With the education system bringing a larger gap in quality between private and state schools, the privatisation of prisons has seen a record numbers of criminal families going to increasing lengths to get their kin into Dunstable’s private prison operated by G4S, as opposed to other local state alternatives.
“We have found people using false addresses, lying about siblings who are already in the prison and even impersonating family members in an attempt to secure places” the Governor of the prison has said.
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Kate Middleton elects to have a ‘media birth’
The Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton has elected for a media birth, according to palace officials.
Like many young mums-to-be, Kate had a lot of choices to make for her ‘birth plan’, with some advisors suggesting an exclusive ‘push’ in Hello!, OK! or Pregnant MILFs!.
Editors have been scrubbing their arms and donning gowns they found on ebay, in the hope of getting a glimpse inside our future Queen.
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Homeopathy practitioners to strike after failing to agree remedy to pension plans

It may look like there is nothing here, but this photo has the ‘memory’ of a picture of the last homeopathy convention
Homeopathy practitioners working for the NHS have voted underwhelming to strike over proposed pension reform. Currently practitioners save for their estimated 25 years of retirement, by contributing 0.02% of their annual salary. However the Government is now asking them to ‘increase their dilution’ to 0.04%.
Critics have said the turnout for strike ballot was too low to make the action legal. However Angela Blue-sky, head of The Homeopathy Union explained “we wanted to ballot our membership of over 3000 practitioners over possible action, but to send the loudest message to the government we decided to ask just one member for maximum effect.” Continue reading
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Filed under News
Ireland to run out of Catholic priests in 20 years: breeding program intensified
Reacting to a Vatican report which claims that in twenty years time it is likely that there will be no more Roman Catholic priests in Ireland a sanctuary in County Cork is intensifying its breeding program.
“Priests are shy, solitary creatures,” said Donna McAleese, chief vet at In Nomine Patris Priest Sanctuary and Botanical Gardens. “They are also very difficult to keep in captivity due to them requiring a rarefied incense-laden climate and eating up to three times their body weight in communion wafers every day.” Continue reading
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Filed under International News, News, Religion
Bond girl launches Cajazzle – cute jewellery for cats
A L M O S T A N A D V E R T I S I N G F E A T U R E
Has your moggy become bit of a doggy? Well, you can improve her image by buying her something from Cajazzle, the luxury jewellery range that is guaranteed to take the bag out of your cat.
If you’ve ever thought that your pussy should be better dressed when going out in the evening then Cajazzle has just the thing for you and your feline. Devised by former Bond girl and cat lover, Emilie Bourdain, there is something for all varieties from ginger to tortoiseshell. Continue reading
Soldiers to be fast-tracked as teachers: new curriculum to include alcoholism, homelessness and domestic violence
The government has announced that from next year it will be fast-tracking soldiers without degrees into the nation’s state schools thanks to special courses that will allow soldiers to qualify as teachers in half the time that it normally takes. However head teachers are raising concerns about the suitability of ex-squaddies to teach and the curriculum changes that will have to be made in order to accommodate their expertise.
“It’s all right for David Laws to say ‘many members of our inspiring armed forces possess the skills and expertise relevant and transferable to the classroom – leadership, discipline, motivation and teamwork’ ” said Clive Morris head teacher of Harold Shining Future Academy and IT Achievement Haven (formerly Harold Comprehensive). “But once people leave the army all that tends to go out of the window and so we will have a generation of new teachers best suited to teaching alcoholism, homelessness, suicide, committing violent crimes, mental illness and domestic violence. All of which occur in disproportionately high numbers amongst ex-armed forces personnel.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Education, News, Politics
Ham fisted meat whisperer with loose lips
Harold’s abattoir ‘Stun Guns n Gas Hoses’ is centre to yet further scandal this week after information received from a whistleblower working at the plant has led to an urgent investigation by the Food Standards Agency (FSA).
With the furore surrounding the horse meat scandal seemingly over, those in the animal slaughtering industry had been hoping for a return to normality, but the latest revelation is far more shocking than a little Shergar in your sausages.
Perfect version of original Star Wars trilogy to be released: all dialogue cut.
George Lucas the creator of Star Wars has announced that he is releasing yet another DVD version of the first trilogy of films only this time with all the dialogue cut.
“As I looked them over one more time to see what ropey cgi I could add I was struck by a fatal weakness in all three movies that I’d never noticed before,” he said. “And it’s the dialogue. Thirty-six years after A New Hope was shot I finally released that every word in the script was utter bobbins and that that trend continued right the way through to The Empire Strikes Back then Return of the Jedi.” Continue reading
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Filed under International News, News, Showbusiness
Harold Thursday pull out of sponsorship deal with drug dealer
Harold Thursday have announced that they have abandoned plans to be sponsored by a local drug dealer after fans protested against the move.
Big Dave was due to appear as the club’s shirt sponsor next season, but the deal has now been cancelled after a backlash from fans who felt that promoting class A drugs on match days could be seen as being a little irresponsible.
Whilst we anticipated some negative responses from the initial agreement to promote illegal drugs for cash, we decided to ignore them when Dave offered us a quite substantial amount of money and looked at us menacingly.” said a statement from the club.
The initial move would have seen Big Dave’s name and phone number appear on the team’s home shirt and price lists for his various goods plastered around the ground. But since it was announced last week a “furious response” from fans has seen as many as six angry letters sent to the chairman, although it later emerged that one of them was a death threat intended for Piers Morgan and accidentally mailed to the wrong address.
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New rules for middle-lane hoggers and tailgaters may be used to stop u-turns in Westminster
The latest person found to be caught making unexpected moves is Ed Miliband, who has been witnessed committing a number of dangerous u-turns around his financial policy. Under the proposed plans, this would have resulted in a £60 fine and three points.
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