We understand. If anyone ruins it for us we will cut them.
Category Archives: News
Couple take attempt to avoid Breaking Bad spoilers a bit far
Comments Off on Couple take attempt to avoid Breaking Bad spoilers a bit far
Filed under Entertainment, News
Ed ‘man of the working class’ Miliband to cap the price of Baked Beans
With the plan to cap energy prices not going down as well as expected, Ed Miliband is expected to take a another big gamble and cap the price of Baked Beans.
Ed ‘man of the working class’ Miliband told the Labour conference that his energy plan would save ordinary families £150, meaning the saving from five ‘ordinary family’ houses would be enough to pay for his new £750 conference suit.
‘Being black’s holding me back’ says one of the richest self-made men in the world
What if it’s not racism? What if he’s just an arse?
Sometime rapper and full-time egomaniac Kanye West has claimed in an interview for BBC Radio One that being black is holding him back despite being a self-made man worth an estimated £100m, with yearly earnings of £20m and music sales that have seen him become the sixth best-selling solo artist of all time.
West’s snit was prompted by the fact that he feels disrespected as a designer of trainers and his being told by one designer at Paris Fashion Week that if wanted to attend their show he shouldn’t attend others. Continue reading
Comments Off on ‘Being black’s holding me back’ says one of the richest self-made men in the world
Filed under Entertainment, News
Gove solves primary school places crisis: poor kids to attend houses of work instead
Predator: do not let this man near your children
Education Secretary, Michael Gove, has announced that he has solved the current primary school places crisis by arranging for the children of parents who receive any form of state benefit and/or whose income places them in the lowest third of wage-earners in the country to be educated in houses of work instead of schools.
“This new system is of benefit to all,” Gove declared. “Your typical hard-working family – maybe he’s a Cabinet minister and she writes drivel that would shame a baboon for the Daily Mail – will no longer have their beloved children exposed to the kids of people who have failed in life. It is unfair to both sides for everyone to educated together. Rich children shouldn’t be expected to share and poor ones shouldn’t be encouraged to have aspirations.” Continue reading
Village divided over kitten antics
Cute or extreme threat to village safety?
Mister Super Paws the kitten who spends his days being adorable in the window of Lacrymans & Co estate agents on the High Street has divided the village of Harold with his adorable antics.
“Thing is,” said Doris Kettle. “It’s obvious that Mister Super Paws loves playing with his rainbow coloured fish toy the most and anyone who says that that’s not true and he prefers his pink ball with a bell in it is a heretic.” Continue reading
Comments Off on Village divided over kitten antics
Filed under Around Harold, News
Footballer praised for muted wedding night celebrations
You could give us from now until the end of time and we’d still never be able to fold towels into swans.
Friends and family of a Famous Footballer’s last wife have expressed their gratitude and appreciation for his understated first honeymoon orgasm with his latest spouse.
“Big respect to the lad” said Carol Biggs’ father Darren, the former father-in-law of the Footballer. “I mean obviously he’d set up the live video stream and that, from the bridal suite upstairs. To be honest, down in the hotel bar, where he’d laid on a nice finger buffet, all of us watching the screens were a wee bit anxious as the big moment arrived.” Continue reading
Ed Miliband slams Labour leader’s lack of vision
What do you mean we’ve made the same mistake again? What mistake? Oh.
Ed Miliband has become the latest in a long line of Labour ‘big guns’ to criticise the way the party is being led. The party leader had barely finished his pre-conference speech before former cabinet minister Miliband launched a blistering attack.
“He didn’t even sound as if HE believed what he was saying. Don’t ask me what he LOOKED like – I had my eyes shut at the time, to try and make him seem more real, but it certainly didn’t convince me! The thing is,” he went on “the self-same numpties who drove the economic bus off the cliff road just a few years back are still at the bloody wheel.” Continue reading
Trollitician: Ukip’s Godfrey Bloom reveals ‘I’m a socialist spy’
Bloom before going deep cover as a ruddy-faced bigot
Evening Harold exclusive interview:
Godfrey Bloom splashes in puddles. As we walk to Harold café Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! for a brunch of vegan bacon and eggs washed down with foamy glasses of milkless milk, the now ex-senior Ukip politician cannot conceal his delight at being free of the boorish identity he had to assume to fulfil that role and so splashes his Birkenstocks happily in the puddles on the High Street, his kaftan flapping in the breeze.
“It was hell,” Bloom says of his former life once we’re settled in a cosy booth and he’s removed his crochet beanie lamenting over the amount of time it’s going to take for his hair to grow long again, “but worth it. My mission was to penetrate Ukip and troll it by hogging the headlines and when on Friday Nigel Farage said ‘increasingly, over past months his statements have left us in a position where, frankly, what we stand for and what we campaign for are irrelevant,’ my work was done.”
Ryanair staff to only spit in customers’ faces if absolutely necessary
Trying very hard not to spit right in your face
Ryanair chief executive Michael O’Leary has said that staff will be instructed to only spit in the faces of customers who really deserve it, amid concerns that poor customer service is hitting sales.
Europe’s biggest budget airline warned earlier this month that profits may miss forecasts, and O’Leary is worried that regularly abusing customers may be contributing to their problems. Continue reading
Comments Off on Ryanair staff to only spit in customers’ faces if absolutely necessary
Filed under News
Ed Miliband to fund benefits rise with Saturday job at Asda
Also willing to collect trolleys if necessary
Labour has said it will reverse controversial changes to housing benefit if it wins the next election, with the move set to be funded by Ed Miliband taking on a Saturday job working on the checkouts at Asda.
The Labour leader said that the so-called “bedroom tax” was “wrong, iniquitous and not working”, claiming that a commitment to reverse the policy showed that Labour offered a creditable alternative and could make a real difference in government. This comes as great news to fans of unsustainable borrowing. Continue reading
Right wing, sexist, homophobic, anti-immigration, bigoted Ukip MEP ‘against racism’.
Right wing, sexist, homophobic, anti-immigration, bigoted Ukip MEP, Godfrey Bloom, has said he is ‘against racism’ in a confrontation with a journalist who asked why there were no black people on the party conference programme; a question that was met with a slap round the head.
This startling revelation came within minutes of the part-time MEP, part-time Victor Meldrew look-a-like calling a room full of women ‘sluts’.
Comments Off on Right wing, sexist, homophobic, anti-immigration, bigoted Ukip MEP ‘against racism’.
Filed under News, Politics, Uncategorized
Britain’s favourite meal “somebody else’s dinner”
That. Whatever it is that he’s carrying. No, I don’t know what it is but I want it.
A recent survey has found that Britain’s favourite meal is whatever somebody else is eating. The aroma of somebody else’s food, that you can’t quite place but smells great, beat traditional favourites such as fish and chips, curry, and unspecified meat kebab to the number one spot.
“Can you smell that coming from next door? I can’t tell what it is; it could be oven chips and a pasty from Iceland with precisely zero nutritional value for all I know, but I’m not cooking it and it smells nice. I want it.” said Ian Jenkins, one of the people surveyed.
FIFA awards the 2026 World Cup Finals to Antarctica
Managers will have to dig their own dug outs
Stung by accusations of incompetence following the decision to play the 2022 World Cup Finals in the desert heat of Qatar, FIFA have responded by awarding the 2026 Finals to Antarctica.
“We’ve learnt our lessons from the Qatar debacle”, insisted Sepp Blatter, “so to avoid the higher temperatures of the summer months, the Antarctican matches will be played in the winter.” Continue reading
GTA V so good some gamers forgetting to masturbate regularly
The eagerly anticipated launch of Grand Theft Auto 5 has had an unanticipated side effect, with some gamers so engrossed in the experience they have not masturbated in almost thirty six hours.
Several shops opened at midnight to satisfy demand for the game amongst the sort of person who normally knocks one out about seven or eight times a day. Many of those who were first through the doors have been glued to their PS3 or Xbox 360 ever since, not even stopping to sleep, eat or have the occasional quick tug. Continue reading
Parents start saving as Clegg promises ‘free’ school meals
With Nick Clegg’s announcement that school meals will be free for children between the ages of 5 and 7, parents are bracing themselves for a £900 per term ‘nutrition fee’.
“We are used to the Lib Dems promising things for free for students,” one parent told us, “and because of his previous promises we are starting to save now for when he dramatically increases the cost of free school meals.”
NRA: ‘Stop repeat of Washington shootings by routinely arming Navy’
NRA urged to fight back against protesters by arming security with pro-gun banners
Following another tragic shooting in America yesterday, the argument for stricter gun controls has resurfaced.
With many calling for the owning of guns by crazed maniacs to be made illegal, the Nation Rifle Association (NRA) has once again defended the right to bear arms and suggested an alternative idea.
“After the Sandy Hook tragedy we recommended the routine arming of teachers as a sensible solution to stop psychopaths killing at random, and some states even made the idea policy” said Wayne LaPierre, executive Vice President of the NRA.
Continue reading
Comments Off on NRA: ‘Stop repeat of Washington shootings by routinely arming Navy’
Filed under Crime, International News, News, Politics
Plastic bag charge: dolphins rejoice that their lives are worth 5p
Wee hee, I got 5p!
Southend tour boat operator Gavin Erikson said a local dolphin that follows his boat around, Ono, was distraught that her eldest son became entangled in 20 plastic bags and drowned, but Ono’s anguish turned to delight upon finding that the 20 bags were worth £1.
Erikson said the word must have got round other dolphins as there was a spate of groundings as dolphins tried to wriggle up Southend beach in an attempt to reach the plastic bags at the waterfront Tescos.
Continue reading
Triumph for Nick Clegg at Lib Dem conference
The audience for his Q&A session far exceeded expectations
Russia accuse British man of storing chemical weapons
In his latest attempt to further undermine the west, Vladimir Putin has accused a British man of storing and using ‘chemical weapons’. The charge is laid at the door of television advert personality, and cleaning enthusiast Barry Scott.
The Russian leader alleges Cillit Bang products have a cleaning power that is only matched by sarin and other nerve agents. However the suggestion that ‘Lime and Grime’ can be used for kitchen, bathroom and ethnic cleansing have been strongly denied by Mr Scott.
Comments Off on Russia accuse British man of storing chemical weapons
Filed under International News, News
Amy Winehouse denies she is addicted to death
I can give up death at any time
In a statement issued through her publicist and medium, Winehouse said she was more of a social corpse, and she could give up death at any time.
“They said I couldn’t give up the drink and drugs but I proved them all wrong – I haven’t touched a drop of whiskey or line of coke for over two years” said Winehouse.
“Death is not causing me any problems, if anything my skin has improved. But I’m being careful to do death in moderation, and only when I have company around.”
Continue reading
Filed under Entertainment, News
You must be logged in to post a comment.