Millions of workers across the UK are getting prepared to phone up their boss on Monday and declare themselves ‘stranded’ by the 1mm of snowfall on their drive.
The flurry of the white stuff fell on Friday night, but some are hoping it will stay on the ground long enough to justify an extra week off work.
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Members of the paparazzi have apologised to their employers after an instruction to get pictures of a Boxing Day hunt were misheard leaving them with hundreds of pictures of Nigel Farage.
“The instruction was to go out into the countryside and get photographs of a hunt chasing things that they class as vermin with guns,” one photographer told us.
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There were chaotic scenes on The Apprentice set earlier today after Felipe Alviar-Baquero, the candidate discarded by Lord Sugar after the acrimonious skeletongate row arrived at the Boardroom brandishing an injunction obtained against his firing in Week 9.
Felipe, who was dismissed by Sugar as a “just another bluddy lawyer”, burst in as the tetchy tycoon was filming the scene in which he tells the nation whether he wants to get into women’s underwear or PPI phone sales.
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Filed under News, Showbusiness
Production line staff hard at work, cleaning up for Apple
“We at Apple are shocked to the core” said Graham Cross, after secret filming at Apple’s suppliers revealed repeated staff abuse. “But rest assured. Lawyers will be all over the BBC’s arse by Monday.”
BBC’s Panorama film showed workers so fatigued that they fell asleep during rest periods and even whilst operating machines.
Cross says although it’s common practice for workers to nap during breaks, he’ll investigate any evidence of sleeping at the workbench. “If it’s proved, then firm action will definitely follow. Wages will be docked. Guilty parties will first be named and shamed and then get a verbal warning: ‘Oy, Sleepy! Don’t doze off again!’ Only in Mandarin. Probably”.
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Filed under Media, News, Technology
Veteran John Horse samples the Royal lager collection.
Homeless charities have welcomed the news that the Duke of Cambridge is to provide shelter for servicemen and women who have fallen on hard times after serving their country in the armed forces.
Speaking yesterday in support of a newspaper appeal, Prince William, who himself served in the front line plucking stranded adventurers off the treacherous cliffs of Wales in his helicopter, Budgie, said:
“I am so concerned about the number of heroes who have struggled to adapt to civilian life and wound up sleeping rough in our cities, that for once instead of just lecturing you, I’m actually going to do something myself and open the doors of my vast London home at Christmas to these wretched people. I’m going to feed them, clothe them and offer them trained support to help them get their lives back on track.” Continue reading
It fell off the roof so we thought we’d find a use for it. Not sure what happened to the fork, sorry about that.
The general public has finally grown tired of having food served to them on a chopping board, or what looks suspiciously like a roof tile, and have pleaded with restaurants to get over whatever issue they have with plates and start using them again.
The last restaurant to serve a main course on traditional crockery did so in 2011 and since then it has been wooden blocks and building materials all the way. Customers are now pointing out that plates, specifically designed for serving food on, complete with handy curvature to stop the food falling off, do the job perfectly well. Some in the restaurant business are not convinced though. Continue reading
I don’t suppose you’ve got a spare fag?
UKIP has explained that a phone call in which Kerry Smith, their South Basildon and Thurrock parliamentary candidate, made light-hearted, racist and homophobic remarks shouldn’t be taken out of context ‘because he’s always like that’.
Patrick O’Flynn, UKIP MEP, told the Evening Harold that the call had been made while Smith was sedated and not speaking or even thinking rationally. “In fact,” said O’Flynn “it was about then that Kerry joined UKIP, which rather backs up his story.” Continue reading
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Filed under Election 2015, News, Politics
Experts in the field of irrelevant data have said today the UK will see the first 13th December 2014 since records began.
Although this date will be seen across the globe for 24 hours starting at midnight, those studying the claim say it is impossible to verify if this is the first occurrence of this date and year combination anywhere in the world, but do back up the data that says it is the first and only time it has been 13th December 2014 in the UK.
After his critically acclaimed first series which saw record-breaking global viewing figures, a South African judge has granted Gerrie Nel a second series.
Mr Nel, who plays his namesake Prosecutor ‘Bulldog’ Nel, shot to fame in ‘Gerrie Nel and the Pistorius trial’ in which he stunned audiences cross-examining Oscar Pistorius for four days trying to determine the exact location of a fan.
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Filed under Entertainment, International News, News
“Don’t chew it too quickly. It can make the meat tough.”
A senior Tory peer has suggested that the poor would be less hungry if they learned to graze, while also claiming their sedentary lifestyle makes them ‘as tender as veal’.
The Baroness Lettuce De Mondieu believes that fitting ‘a few rudimentary additional stomachs’ would enable the underclasses to chew the cud on roundabouts and recreational grounds, whilst preserving their sought-after organic status.
“No-one should have to see starving faces in 21st century Britain”, said Lady De Mondieu “But fillet steak can be awfully expensive. Better to perform a simple operation on a few unfortunate beasts and give them a chance to fatten up naturally and cheaply. If we start now, I could have one for Christmas dinner.”
After a Tory MP was pictured playing Candy Crush during a commons committee hearing, Nick Clegg has been caught out playing the childish game of ‘grown-ups’ during important cabinet meetings.
The Lib Dem leader has regularly been seen picking out a suit from the Number 10 dressing up box and trying to join in big person conversations, although the response from the other members of the coalition has often been frosty at best.
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December 8, 2014 · 2:04 pm
Farage, complaining to the Oxford dictionary about their bureaucratic obsession with grammar.
Nigel Farage struggled to finish a crossword puzzle in a timely manner last night – and laid the blame squarely on immigrants.
“The white boxes are the only ones that really do anything, but they’re being held back by all the blacks”, insisted the UKIP leader.
“They just clutter the place up, they don’t enhance this game at all. It’s about time we stopped letting them in, give the white boxes a bit of room to breathe. We need to start with a clean sheet of paper.”
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Ukip have come under increasing pressure to stop getting their tit out in public. After offering its opinions on a wide range of issues from immigration to breastfeeding, critics have said although they respect the right of the party to get their tit out in public, many people find it ’embarrassing’ and occasionally ‘offensive’.
Defending their stance, a campaigner for public decency said: “We understand that sometimes they have to get him out, and that is often dictated by nature.
“For example, when there a foreigner that he’s not married to to have a go at or there’s the scent of a rather nice ale in the air.
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December 6, 2014 · 7:45 amIf the Chancellor’s Autumn Statement fools the voters, the next government will feature ‘a bunch of cuts’, warned the Institute for Fiscal Studies yesterday.
But what might such a large number of cuts look like in practice? The Evening Harold investigates.
Massive cuts
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Filed under Economy, Election 2015, News, Politics
Oh come on! Did you really want a car photo?
The music industry has heaved a huge sigh of relief after learning that last weekend’s Beckham car crash was not the warbling clotheshorse attempting another comeback.
Victoria was distraught after learning of husband David’s motor accident, having misheard the early reports.
“Oh, thank god for that, I thought you said ‘car clash’. There’s nothing worse than turning up at an event and someone has exactly the same car as you. I couldn’t have let him drive it again, for the shame he would have brought upon brand Beckham.” Continue reading
Harold’s best (and only) firm of Funeral Directors have announced a Black Friday special promotion with a range of tempting discounts for anyone having the misfortune of bereavement this weekend.
“We thought we’d join the Black Friday trend and I must say our special deals are to die for,” proprietor Carmen Hilton told the Evening Harold. “So if you have an elderly bed blocker who is selfishly delaying the inevitable this could be the perfect time to gently suggest to them that if they shuffled off now they could save the family a small fortune.”
Ms Hilton stressed the advantages of the current offer which expires on Sunday. “If you call us before the end of the day, we can have them in the ground before December,” she said brightly. Continue reading
Filed under Around Harold, News
“Come on then. Do you want some, you w**ker?”
The Parliamentary Standards Authority has queried a £3 million ‘photocopy paper & sundry office supplies’ bill, which appeared overnight on Andrew Mitchell’s expenses claim form.
“Yes, it is a bit on the high side” admitted Enid Baxter, the night-duty Emergency Expenses Officer” and we’d have preferred it to be on a printed invoice, rather than handwritten on the back of an envelope”.
However, Baxter says it wasn’t the amount of the claim which caused concern but the request for the cheque to be made out to ‘cash’.
“I expect his mind was on other things” she conceded, “what with the £3 million libel case court costs and the Judge finding out he was lying. Probably.”
Figures released today show net immigration has risen as tens of thousands of foreigners come to the to visit the country’s newest tourist attraction, UKIP and Nigel Farage.
Historically the UK has been an attractive prospect for those wishing to move around the globe because of its history, culture and life prospects.
But a recent survey shows modern day immigrants come to our shores in the hope they may meet an actual Ukipper, or even Nigel Farage himself, leaving his party in a ironic black hole that has baffled even the brightest of scientists.
For some reason she’s got a whole page to herself in it
Following on from the recent launch of their own currency Isis has taken another commerce-focussed break from dragging the world back to the 12th century and leaving it there. Briefly embracing modern life once more they’ve released Isis sticker packs and an album to put them in. Continue reading
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Filed under News
In a bid to repair the damage to Ed Miliband’s reputation following his grilling by a singing competition winner, his PR team lined an easy interview that should have been almost impossible to cock up with the Cookie Monster.
Although he repeats the same phrase and has a famous inability to string a sentence together, Miliband’s team didn’t think it would hold him back against the Sesame Street character.
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Filed under Election 2015, News, Politics
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