Bill Gates admits he got his haircut from a charity shop
The move comes after the charity released a study that claims very soon the richest 1% would have 50% of the world’s wealth.
A lawyer speaking on behalf of Oxfam’s new owners said: “The previous owners of this charity have long been complaining about inequality and how capitalism was making things worse, so we bought them.
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Fat Dave utilising his right to cause offence
Dish-Face Dave was probably talking about comments the Pope had made about punching people in the nose who make fun of religion, but you never know with the dopey twat. He might have said ‘there is a right to cause offence’ to excuse his corpulent flatulence.
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‘Even this much self-worth strikes at the very heart of Tory policies’
With a recent survey showing some NHS workers aren’t on anti-depressants, Ministers fear they might still be feeling OK about themselves.
“Staff self-esteem is much the same as C. difficile.” said a swivel-eyed Jeremy Hunt yesterday “Not something you really want to find in a hospital but succeptible to vicious, sustained attack nonetheless.”
Pope Francis has cut a trip to Tacloban in the Philippines short so he can avoid Tropical Storm Mekkhala, leading some to question his faith in God to keep him safe.
“You would have thought he is the one person in the world God would want to look after,” one of the faithful braving the weather to see the pontiff said.
“I mean, it’s not like he is an evil person, or an innocent African child or anyone else God always seems to pick on; he’s the Pope.”
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Far-right Facebook memers Britain First have called upon their members in South Thanet to vote for Nigel Farage and not “that muslim fella, al-Murray”.
“First Al-Qaeda, then al-Zawahiri, and now al-Murray, they’re taking the piss” Britain First’s chief bigot Paul Goulding said.
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Al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri has declared a jihad on Hollywood after his terrorist group’s films were once again snubbed for the best foreign language film for a tenth straight year.
“We thought we had a great chance with ‘Death To The West'” he told Al Jazeera. “A two-hour emotional monologue detailing the complex issues around our fractious relationship with America.
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Filed under Entertainment, News, Politics, Uncategorized
Following news events over the last few days, we have decided to publish a picture that some may find controversial. We do it defiance of those who try to break us, in defiance of those who are desperate to force change upon us, and in defiance of those who wish to devalue our traditions.
Cadbury, leave our Creme Eggs alone.
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Filed under Culture, Easter, International News, Law and Order, News, Uncategorized
A pub has been sent a winter fuel allowance, which was intended for the heir to the throne.
The Prince of Wales hostelry received a cheque made out to ‘HRH Prince Charles’, to cover his not inconsiderate energy bills.
“I guess he’s got a lot of homes to keep warm, and architects don’t just burn themselves”, said landlord Michael Scapegoat. “And then there’s all those badgers to gas.”
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Wonder what they’re all thinking? Dave knows
David Cameron has announced that his government are set to do radical Islam a solid and limit everyone’s right to privacy and freedom. “The powers that I believe we need,” he said, “whether on communications data, or on the content of communications – I am very comfortable those are absolutely right for a modern, liberal democracy. A modern, liberal democracy in which security services read everything, listen to everything and watch everyone. If that’s not the definition of a free society well then maybe I don’t know what one is.” Continue reading
Patients can also choose not to be neutered.
Rather than expose patients to 15 hour waits in beleaguered A&E units, a NHS whistle-blower has revealed that some overstretched hospitals have been referring patients to veterinary practices for more immediate treatment.
Even more embarrassing for the NHS, internal surveys of customer satisfaction have shown that patients would rather return to the vet for further treatment rather than their local hospital. Continue reading
Blair acts on his personal commandment, “thou shalt not listen”
“It’s not very often I can sympathise with terrorists, other than the killing innocent people thing, but having one million people marching through the street is something they should ignore,” Mr Blair said. Continue reading
Following his tweet suggesting all Muslims must be held responsible for jihadists, the world has responded saying Rupert Murdoch should be held responsible for Rupert Murdoch.
“An ancient ideology, with extremist views that are not comparable with a modern progressive society”, is how one commentator described Mr Murdoch.
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Happy new New Year: more kittens, less bullets
In an unprecedented move almost the entire world has agreed to press reset and start 2015 again.
“The year so far while young in days has been high in tragedy. It’s just kak” said David Cameron. “Let us all as one pause, step back and have another go. But not the sales again, let’s try to have a little dignity this time and not be queuing outside Next at 3:00am.” Continue reading
“No, really. You’re welcome to it.” [Circle Holdings 2015]
The company is so upset that it’s decided to withdraw from Hinchingbrooke hospital but made it clear that it will continue with many other NHS deals. “Some are very profitable,” agreed Circle’s top Money-Wrangler Steve Melton “and in such cases it would clearly be unethical to let the public down.” Continue reading
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Filed under Aggressively Tested, Health, Medicine, News, Politics
Pens have been warned they face trial for committing war crimes. Through their ability to produce an army of words and pictures, the weapons of wordsmiths and cartoonists stand accused of upsetting people’s sensibilities, a crime so heinous it provokes murder.
Also in the dock are the co-accused: pencils, colour, and words. Many fear that although it is necessary to stop these weapons of mass thought production in their tracks, doing so will lead to even more radicalised crayons.
“Firing an indiscriminate barrage of words directly into people heads is as dangerous as war,” prosecutors said.
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Filed under International News, News, Politics
A real threat on the right wing
Oldham Athletic are considering pulling out of a controversial move for former leader of the German Nazi Party, Adolf Hitler, after 20,000 people signed an online petition opposing the deal.
The man who was Führer of Germany was set to be cloned on Monday and train with the club ahead of signing a long-term contract, but the public opposition may now force a dramatic U-turn. Continue reading
The captain of a political party has taken the decision to beach in a last minute attempt to stop it sinking.
Captain Clegg of the damaged ship Lib Dem admitted finding a location above sea level to beach the party was difficult as since 2010 he has found it very hard to navigate it on the moral high ground.
“As we began the approach May’s election and started to voyage out on our own away from Port Coalition, it was become clear that the party was beginning to sink fast,” Captain Clegg explained. Continue reading
Pardew’s Newcastle team talk “Loyalty. You can’t buy it, but you’ll know it when you see it”
“Once the Pardew Out banners went down” said the manager who’s left behind him the longest contract in UK football history “I thought, ‘Right, you Geordie tossers. I’m off to London, soon-as’.”
Pardew believes the best way to thank owner Mike Ashley for standing by him, whilst his squad played like a Sunday pub team, was to clear off whenever he got a better offer.
“Ideally I’d have nutted one of the ‘sackpardew.com’ organisers before getting on me bike back to the smoke Continue reading
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Filed under breaking news, News, Sport
For some unknown reason Andy’s last BMW rusted badly
St Paul’s deputy priest-in-charge is delighted with the new motorcycle he recently picked up from City Link’s local depot.
“My old bike was very corroded but I couldn’t claim under BMW warranty just because I’d got it free when it washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.”
Curate Andy heard people could collect parcels from the bankrupt courier company, hitched a lift to Dunstable and was first in the queue on Monday morning. “I didn’t want to go in on the sabbath Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, News, Religion
Network Rail chief executive Mark Carne has turned down his £34,000 bonus which was due to be paid to him in the form of a season ticket for his daily commute.
“We had agreed that as the £34,000 was the equivalent of my season ticket between home and the three stops to work, I would just receive a free season ticket” he explained.
“That didn’t include drinks, food or any level of customer service but I could have stretched to a cup of tea and egg mayo sandwich out of my £675,000 salary. Not every day though, maybe just once a month.”
He has made the decision because of the overrunning engineering works that have caused havoc around the country’s rail network.
“I have to take responsibility for ruining the Christmas season for many passengers, and that’s why I have turned the ticket down.” He continued.
“That, and I couldn’t use it anyway. Have you tried catching a train recently? No bloody chance.”
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